New job! in Since OD is shutting down....

So it’s been a little while since I’ve made an entry. I did my orientation on Wednesday morning and then watched videos on Thursday. I had my first day on Friday. It went well, everyone was nice and the job doesn’t seem hard at all. I feel like it’s definitely something I can handle and I’m honestly excited to be working again. My only issue now is my back. I have terrible back pain from my discs crumbling, stress fractures and a slipped vertabrae. Since yesterday, I have been extremely concerned that it’s going to stop me from working. I am only working 4 hours a day so I’m really hoping my back is going to get stronger and I’m going to be just fine. I’m going to start icing my back today and taking liquid capsules of Ibuprofen has been helping.

I have a lot of things to talk about obviously. We had my Grandma’s funeral last Thursday where I opted to bring my daughter with because both my Mom and brother were in the car with me and they are the only other people on her pick up list so I didn’t want to worry about getting down there and them calling to say she needed to be picked up and having that stress the whole time. My brother’s kid didn’t come because they have a couple of people here in town to pick her up if needed. I was upset having to bring her because I knew it was going to be emotional. My daughter watched every single one of us break down and cry our eyes out. Once again, everything is on my shoulders because her Dad chooses to be the way he is. It’s hard to not get angry sometimes.

There’s more I want to say about my Grandma passing away and what I think about my uncle getting to run everything and how no one got to see her will but I’ll save it for another time. I’m just worried about me being able to work because of my back. I’m going to just take it day by day and pray that I’m going to get through because if not, the only other thing I’m gonna consider job wise is working from home and I don’t want to do that because of my ADHD so I don’t think I’d have the attention span for it but I refuse to be without a job anymore.

My car situation. I found out about a week ago that the motor in my one car is going out. It’s on its last leg. The mechanic that I’d been going to for the last 10 years was going to charge me $700 to do repairs that weren’t needed and didn’t bother to mention that the timing chain is going out. I’m so glad I could feel that something was wrong and got a second opinion. They did however charge me $100 just to look at it and another $80 to put on new plug wires so they still made money off me. I will never again take another car there for as long as I live. There’s no way they didn’t notice the timing chain and just thought they were going to get whatever money they could get before the car blows up.

Sometimes I really get sick of adulting. There’s always something to be worried about. I try really hard to just do what I can do each day but I feel like I’m still so behind. I’m angry about the fact that I haven’t worked a real job in quite some time and I won’t get much back for taxes. I know that I need to work at least 3 months so I don’t have to worry about this happening again at the end of the year. I honestly don’t plan to work at this job forever but I do think it would be a good ‘for now’ type of job so that I can get back into the swing of things, be able to stand/walk without pain and get some money in my bank account.

I was thinking about how much not having a partner to help raise my child, not working and not getting child support has really affected my life. My daughter is doing just fine because I make sure she’s never without but it does get to me that I am the only one making sure that she’s got what she needs. It’s hard to not want to message that deadbeat and tell his ass off. I don’t because he’ll just blame everything on me and not care what it’s like doing it on my own and then I’m going to become even more angry and then he gets the best of me. I won’t let that happen ever again.

I don’t even have one pair of socks where both stay up. I have clothes that have a permanent stink because I’ve had them for so long. I have neglected car repairs simply because I couldn’t afford them and it’s been a struggle every month just to pay my insurance. I’m driving a car that the motor is going out so every mile is a miracle while this guy lives for free with his sister and not a car in the world. It’s maddening to think about. This is why I tell people be careful who you lay down with because you will pay for it for the rest of your life. It’s also crazy how so many people exist that are just like him and end up turning the kids against the parent who stayed and raised them!

It’s absolutely mind blowing how much around you gets neglected when you are a single parent and don’t receive any kind of support from the other parent. I also think it’s pretty amusing when he’s out here telling everyone how he’s not ‘allowed’ to see his child and he’s just this huge victim. What makes him a victim? I’ll never be able to wrap my head around that!! The guy is fucking crazy and I truly hope he gets the help he needs. I am glad that so many people here know he’s a pile of trash because they’ve also fallen victim to his pity parties and pulling the sympathy card. He just thinks everyone needs to help him in some form and it’s disgusting.

I’m sad that the weekend is going so fast. I have a meeting pretty early tomorrow morning. My Mom is coming to sit with my kid so I can go. It’s like a 3 hour thing and the girl training me on Friday said it’s boring. But I get to wear jeans so that’s nice. I have been skimming the hiring part of the website because once I am there like 3 months, I’m wanting to possibly get into a different position. I think it would be best to find a job where I’m able to sit and stand because my back just can’t handle doing either one for long periods of time. But hopefully over time it’s going to get better. I’m glad I got the liquid capsules of Ibuprofen yesterday because I think they’ve been helping.

It’s tough having little to no help here and knowing I need to find a job that’s within my daughter’s school hours because it’s impossible relying on anyone to help out. I know my Mom will help tomorrow morning but it’s pretty rare that she’s much of an asset. I just can’t sit alone in my house while my kid is at school anymore. It became very depressing and lonely. I couldn’t stand being in my head all day long because there was too many times my anxiety was making me a freaking mental case.

I just hope I’ll be okay with my back pain. That’s my main concern right now. It’s sad that I’m more worried about that then the job itself. Ugh, it’s just draining dealing with this shit. I need to just take a deep breath and trust I’ll be okay because stressing is going to make it worse. I’m upset that I’ve had to figure out everything on my own and I’ve never had much support and probably never will. I’m lucky that my Mom is able to stop by and get my damn laundry! I guess last night they were having a fight because my Dad just doesn’t want to work. I think it’s bullshit that he gets a choice when she didn’t for 40 years!! He told me on Friday that his job just won’t ‘let’ him work anymore. Sure.

I mentioned yesterday while they were here about my Mom watching my kid tomorrow morning and he said something along the lines that would be ‘fine’ uh I didn’t realize that we all need to ASK his permission! I was also irritated that I called her this morning and I heard her say, ‘what are you doing in here’ which means for me to be careful what I say because he came and sat in her room with her because she’s never allowed to be by herself! I just can’t get over that anyone would willingly live like this! There’s no way I would EVER fucking tolerate what she has! I am absolutely shocked that he still feels the need to watch her every move all day long! It’s abuse, all the fucking way!!!

Being in a relationship takes more patience and bullshit that I’m willing to tolerate and that’s why I don’t really try to be in one. I am not going to have a man dictate my life or make it to where I can’t have my own identity. I think being in a relationship is too restrictive and you have to give up just too much of yourself in order for it to work and even by giving up everything and making these sacrifices, the shit still doesn’t always work! I have always had really toxic relationships and never had even one halfway healthy situation with a man and that’s why now I refuse to even try. I give so much of myself to my child that I don’t have much left for anyone else. I’ve also had my whole life revolve around my daughter that once I am able to carve out some space and time for myself, I am not willing to give it to someone else.

I want to speak on my new job and how much better it is as apposed to the job I was at for 7 years. I started my first day on Friday and everyone was very nice, very respectful and I’m kind of a shy person but talked more than I thought I would and was even comfortable enough to ask questions which is a huge deal for me. I was more excited than I was nervous which was a first. Friday morning was a tad rough because I went to start the car before taking my daughter to school and get it warmed up and it wouldn’t start! I had to get help from my parents and we ended up getting a gas can and getting gas and low and behold, it started right up! I didn’t get to wash my hair and it was just downright hectic but I still went to work. Back in the day if all of the same shit happened, I would have been too defeated to still go.

Being a single Mom has definitely made my skin a lot thicker. I am a lot different person than before. Life changes when you have someone else depending on you. I have also noticed how I don’t let things get to me like I used to and I don’t sit around and complain like before. Complaining isn’t going to help and I spent a lot of fucking time doing it. I also like how I’m able to take negative things and turn them into positive real quick and then worry or stress later, not at the time and let things bring me down. I don’t base decisions on emotions like I did and that’s helped a lot. I just do what I need to and then deal with the emotions later when it makes sense, not let it make me feel like I can’t do something.

I agree with the statement, “you become what you hang out with” and part of the reason I was always down in the dumps and always bitching about something was due to having the same kind of influence in my head all the time. I remember being annoyed on Friday when I was in the break room reading stuff about my job and the 2 people I was to work with were talking about football teams and random stuff to do here, like positive things and goo conversation and for me thinking why aren’t they bitching or complaining like when I was at my other job? There was no such thing as a positive conversation!

It just really sucks that I don’t feel like I have anyone around that’s not toxic. I think my Mom is the only person for me and my child that does care about us and for the right reasons. Even my best friend is questionable because I don’t think really cared the way my BD treated me while I was pregnant and she literally couldn’t leave him alone simply because he’d made her mad. I don’t think she really had my daughter’s best interest at heart all those times she messaged him to keep the pot warmed up simply because she was miserable in her own life.

So today, my daughter asks if we are going to do anything and I called my Mom and asked if she could get ahold of my brother and have his kid come have pizza with us. He was supposed to text and never did. I’m just so upset for my daughter that it’s like this every fucking weekend! It’s not like my brother ever asks to take her! I just think all of this is a fucking joke. I apologize to my daughter every weekend that we don’t have anyone to hang out with. We are both very lonely and I don’t know how to change this. I’m definitely glad that she goes to school so she can at least interact with kids there and I’ll be working so we are able to get out of the house and around others but it makes me very upset that her Dad made sure that his family hates me so she can’t even play with his sisters kids. He’s made sure to fuck up EVERYTHING and not just so that I don’t have any support, but so that OUR daughter doesn’t have any support from his side whatsoever.

This is the kind of shit I think about every time he sends a flying monkey to message me and get shit stirred up again. No one has ANY FUCKING CLUE what my daughter and I have been through and how things still affect us. I know my loneliness is no joke and it makes me want to run back to toxic people and it has many times. I’m hoping things are going to get better with working. I remember when I worked before I didn’t have the time or energy to care about having a social life and I hope it’s like that again. I also hope that before school is out I’m able to network with other parents and arrange play dates for my kid.

I talked to my friend that lives 5 hours away and he said something happened at work but he didn’t want to tell me risking getting pissed all over again. I asked if it had something to do with professionalism or maturity in the workplace and he laughed, meaning yes. I told him that he really needs to get into a different line of work because he’s in the same type of job I was for 7 years and not all places are toxic!! I have only spent 1 day at my new job and I can already tell I won’t have to walk on eggshells around anyone, I will be able to relax and I’ll get paid enough to think I’m getting a better deal. I am also excited about accumulating sick time! There’s a first for everything!!!

Anyways, I’m going to get laid down and watch some tv. I have to be up pretty early for my meeting and then I get the day with my daughter because there’s no school and then back to the grind for both of us starting Tuesday.