2023 Resolutions in Each Day

I have been thinking a lot about what I want out of 2023. December has really given me that reset that I was saying M and I needed, and it has helped me realize that some of the things I’m doing to help myself is actually doing the opposite.
Of course, I’ve been thinking about this for weeks, so obviously the moment I sit down to type it all out my brain is like, “what goals?”

I’m going to do things a little differently in that I’m going to hash out some of this stuff in order to dig to the heart of the goal.

I have spent an incredible amount of energy on my mental health in the last 3 years, and most of it has been a struggle. But I’m not really struggling anymore (right now?) I had the thought over the holidays that I found so much peace, connecting with M in Hamilton, and over the Christmas holiday. I did exactly zero meditating. I did zero reading about ADHD or Autism or body positivity. And I felt the most balanced I have felt in a very long time. Granted, it’s really easy to feel balanced when you create a cozy bubble around yourself, and that’s not realistic with real life challenges like work and money and the things you are working towards but don’t seem to be making progress on.
I’m not quitting helping myself, but I want to approach it more organically. I have seen so many mental health professionals over the last few years and the experience has been so frustrating so much of the time that even trying to get help for depression and trauma and ADHD has felt Sisyphean. Except that’s not exactly accurate, it’s not that I felt like I could never recover, I often felt like the people who were supposed to be helping me were the ones setting me back.
I’ve already taken one step towards this goal: I quit DBT today. I missed the last three sessions (I was sick one week and then on compassionate the next two, and then it was Christmas), and the previous… MANY sessions were so frustrating, I’d leave angry, I’d go to my individual therapy angry, and I’d get no helpful feedback from either my social worker or my psychiatrist when I brought it up.
So I quit.
I did go to todays session, talked to the facilitator and told her why I’d missed the previous classes, but then told her that I wouldn’t be continuing because I have been feeling more hindered than helped by the program. She asked me if I’d be staying for today’s session and I said no. And then I drove home and played Horizon Zero Dawn for 2 hours instead. It was glorious.

I genuinely think I need to stop fighting so hard for my own sense of justice. Red said to me, when we were talking about this at lunch on Wednesday, “You’ve been a salmon, swimming upstream, in so many facets of your life, for so long. Maybe this year you be the twig, and go with the flow”. I really liked that.

I want to get back to the basics of what makes me, me. Also, who I want me to be.
I read When The Saints by Sarah Mian a few years ago and I kept a quote from it:
“I’m so sick and tired of being who I am,” she says.
“Then start being who you are going to be.”
It really resonated with me then, and gives me something to think about now. Who I want to be is an unadulterated me. And I’m mostly certain of who that is, but I also think I’ve been holding myself back.

THE LIST
Read more - even 5 books would be better than last year. I also want to rededicate myself to reading Stephen King’s bibliography, I stalled around 1989, and I’m reading The Dark Tower Series when the last book is written).
Ride more - I need to get over the extra time it takes to kit up and get on the road (compared to chucking myself into my car half dressed and figuring the rest out en route). I have not felt like I’ve ridden enough since maybe 2014.
Move more - I enjoy moving my body. I hate exercising. So find movement that isn’t work and do it more.
Knit more - I made my first steps towards this goal already, The first week of this year I went through and inventoried my entire yarn stash. I have 70 skeins in my stash, in 45 unique weights or colours. I would like to knit 20 skeins this year, and embark on some of the larger projects I’ve been sitting on. Also finish ALL of the projects CURRENTLY underway, from 2021 (I did not knit a stitch from maybe June 2021 until Nov 22)
Dedicate more mental energy to anti-consumerism AND minimalism - I’m considering hiring a professional to help me get over my biggest decluttering hurdles. But otherwise - and I know this was an exact resolution, what, two years ago? - be more mindful of online browsing, mindlessly surfing FB marketplace (which I realized recently was me dissociating), and stop buying things without figuring out why I think I need the item in the first place.
Leave the goddamned house more - Ideally this would include knit nights, going to events I’m invited to, and discovering what my new capacity for human contact (that is not M) is these days. Red and I have a goal of being outdoor kids way more. Also getting back into our groove of knitting and shows. We have a chunk of 2021 and the entirety of 2022 to catch up on (Handmaids Tale!!! Grace & Frankie!!! THE GREAT!!! American Horror Story!!! OMG such good shows).

As always I may add to this list as I remember the things I’ve forgotten. But I think this is a good start. They’re all things I want to do. The trick is just doing them.

Last updated January 16, 2023