Quests in Current Events

I bit the bullet and tackled the things that I have been avoiding. Letting it become so dreadful that it generates anxiety and depression is basically self-harm at this point. To even begin advancing my goals I seem to need my environment to be fully cleaned and organized. This is that avoidance routine I am trying to slay. Today I have accepted it and just powered through it. I need my environment cleaned and organized before I can even begin to advance my goals. Is this OCD?

I am not quitting coffee cold turkey the way I did with cigarettes, eggs, meat and dairy. I only had a few sips of my coffee this morning. I woke up feeling groggy as per usual. I started to feel flustered by the idea of going through it every morning. I will find a way. The main concern I have is that I have been dependent on coffee for bowel movements. I have to be honest with myself about that. Apple cider vinegar would have the same effect but the trade-off would be acidity. Friday morning I will begin a new morning routine which will involve high-fibre foods. I can also start making my own kombucha. Maybe.

I am still struggling with NoFap, the movement about quitting porn. I did indeed stop watching porn from porn sites but I seem to be finding loopholes. I’ll fall for a thirst trap and then look into the content creators Onlyfans. It also doesn’t count as porn if its a sex scene in a movie right? When I quit those, what’s next? Written fan fiction? Harlequin novels? I just need to get my life right and open a bible.

I found a naturopath in my area and wrote them an e-mail to see if they are accepting patients. Also about the cost. I don’t like surprises so I always ask about the costs upfront. I need to meet one, in general, to see what path they took for education. This time next year I will be looking into post-secondary for it. Also, I want to discuss my own health and create even more changes. I also want to do a parasite protocol. A cleanse. There is no way anyone makes it to my age dodging parasites. We’ll see what I get out of having a naturopath.

I still have residual stress and it is making my fasting today very easy. I had an eating disorder in my twenties that went unchecked because I thought anorexia was just about body image. My anxiety would activate every sensation in my gut and it was unbearable. Starving was far more comfortable. I was self-harming and didn’t think much of it. I wore layers of clothes that just drapped off of me to hide my disfigure. I smartened up in my late twenties but I try to be conscious of it when I fast. I only started to periodically fast last year but I recognized how comfortable it was when I am stressed.

I also did a coffee enema today so I’m feeling completely empty which feels great. My stomach is not bloated, it is flat and I just don’t want to eat after that so I pair it with a fast. I want the benefits of ketones without doing keto so I fast. I want to eat a vegan keto diet for a few days after also. I psyched myself out last time because I wasn’t counting macros. Adding fat for fuel was intimidating because I don’t know how to do that well.

Am I using Prosebox right now to procrastinate something? You betcha. I will study once I am done.

Tomorrow I am going to my sister’s to make perogies. She’s the mam with the plan. I want to do it all completely on my own this time. I found the old Rosewell series on Kijiji and picked it up today. The guy was selling all three seasons for $35. One season alone is almost $70 online and I can’t find it anywhere. My sister has been keeping an eye out as well but won’t use Kijiji or eBay. I was keeping an eye out for it so that I could get it for her for Christmas and/or her birthday which is 4 days before mine. I finally have them.

I am going to hide the Rosewell series in her house tomorrow. I will put season three inside of her medicine cabinet, season two in her housecoat and season one under her pillow. When she gets the kids ready for bed it will be clear what is happening. If she doesn’t tear the house apart she will find season two when puts her housecoat on after she puts the kids to bed. Then season one when she lays down herself. It’s going to make her year because she has been aching to binge the series for over a year.

Anyway, my apartment is sorted. I want to do a workout but I will do that between studying. I have been slacking so hard it ain’t funny. Then I want to take two courses next semester. Like, I barely have the discipline for one.

I am feeling high from the dopamine hit that I got from this cycle I built long ago to generate a false sense of control. Self-awareness sucks, I know that my fear is in control which is why I procrastinate. My friend is a life coach, maybe she will help me with this. On with my studying now.