Blues Clues in Current Events

I need to retrace my thoughts, so to speak. My depression is bubbling up again. I spent the whole day looking forward to the Christmas function that my work is having tonight. I planned my weekend around it and now my heart is not in it. It isn’t in anything. Half of me wants to lay in bed and wallow. I have plenty of time for that after the party.

I had things that I wanted to get off my chest on here but it slipped my mind. Instead, my mind is being a sour puss.

I spent the night at my sister’s. I left feeling like I spend too much time on my phone there and not enough time playing with her kids. However, that’s all I do there. I play with the kids and we have a lot of fun. I often leave feeling sad like I’m going to miss them. I see them at least twice a month.

I got home and saw the huge pile of dishes left for me. My roommate and I were born the same year, I just turned 37 and in May she will turn 17. I can go on my usual diatribe here but it isn’t worth it. It took me five minutes to clean up the kitchen, no big deal. We are on talking terms again, apparently. I like it this way. I asked her if she was going to Angelina’s tonight. Ange, Carly and Leanne are my brood of broads that I spend a lot of time with. We all went to high school together. Long story short, Toni never does anything. I was happy to see her branching out but she backed out. I could feel some of my usual resentment toward her while I was puttering around today. I didn’t give it any weight though. I will bottle that one up as per usual until I become unhinged.

I exercised in my room and did my usual weekend things. Nothing out of the ordinary happened to trigger me.

After my workout, I was looking at my body in the mirror. I got insecure which I don’t really need to be. I did that body dysmorphic routine almost everyone does when they work out and sized up every inch of myself only to end up feeling inadequate. Body composition is not supposed to be my workout goal but I can’t help it. I have abs, my butt looks good if I do a glute workout twice a week, and my arms look alright in a tank but I don’t like blah blah blah. I could try harder but I could also just accept the way I look.

I look in the mirror and I get mad that my hairdresser dyed my hair blonde. We usually go sterling or sometimes I’ll just save myself a trip and go platinum because that’s what my purple shampoo turns it into anyway. Then I got upset that my hair is falling out. I dreamt of how bad it would look if I had my natural coffee-brown hair. I could go see a specialist but I don’t want an allopathic route. Either way, I am kind of wanting to do a buzz cut. I’ve never had one. I grew my hair out, way out, to experience that. I want to experience a buzz cut next before I experience being a baldy lol.

Then I got upset about my acne scars. I spent the week dodging dairy at work only to end up eating some last night at my sister’s. Her butter is vegan, she made popcorn for us and I was only half-listening because I was on my phone when she explained to me that my bowl was upstairs for me to season on my own. She explained to me that the one she handed me to hand to the kids had cheddar powder on it. When she entered the room later she screamed Nooooo and slapped my hand lol. I knew immediately why she did that. I was wondering why it tasted so bad. I took it in stride even though my tongue started to get tingly shortly after and I knew that I was going to wake up with pimples. I’m arriving at the party tonight with zits on my face, yay! No ulcers in my mouth at least.

So it would appear that my insecurities are bothering me today.

I also have that toxic habit of mine where I procrastinate. I put everything on the back burner until the last second. I have to go over my budget. I have to come up with a financial plan. I have to electronically sign some documents for the credit line I got approved for. I also have to come up with an action plan to source more income altogether. Second job? Do something more creative than that? However, my priority is school. I don’t want to fall off that wagon. It took me two decades to get up the nerve to do this. I should be damn proud of myself that I am at this stage.

I am torn between courses for next semester. One is a history/philosophy situation. I want to get in touch with writing again. The other one is a rare opportunity to take physics. I’ve always wanted to do that. I can do both, theoretically. If I had it my way I would also take calculus. Turns out that I have a slight passion for it even though I am not a natural at it. However, I need to leave some time open for a potential second job. If I had gotten that full-time position at work everything would be fine. Like, god-damn. Scheduling will be back to normal come March, so they say. I just need to tough it out. My course(s) would just be for five months, I could probably manage that. I don’t want to give up this job for other reasons and one is political. My workplace didn’t mandate that clot shot. World leaders are going to try to do it all over again soon enough. Astrologically speaking, March is a good fit for the Great Reset. I don’t want to end up somewhere where I will be forced to fight about what I’m allowed to put in my body.

Almost ten years ago I took my seventeen-year-old cousin in. He was a brilliant kid. An honour rolls student at a private school but he had troubles at home and was ready to drop out so he could find full-time work. Anyway, we were talking one evening and something he said still stands out. He explained how most people want displacement. They want to go from A to B in life but we have to go the distance. Nobody wants to go the distance. I am trying to go the distance now. It’s just setback after setback. Astrologically speaking, I have a Capricorn and Scorpio stellium so it’s nothing but trials and tribulations to force growth. He’s also a Capricorn.

At work yesterday, my shoulder got wrecked. It hurts where I broke it 30 years ago. I’ve been struggling with it for a few months now and while I was helping Mel with something I positioned it wrong and now the pain is halfway down to my elbow. It’s still throbbing. I like pain and all but I need to have full function of it again. I’m not sure what is going on yet. It’s just more in my pile of things that I should do. I don’t even know what route to take. Mel mentioned that he has a friend who is an osteopath that corrected an old injury that he had. He broke his shoulder and the scar tissue on his muscles caught up with him. The osteopath broke all of the scar tissue so he could reset it or something. That doesn’t sound like a bad idea. I have my dentist on my list. A hair loss specialist, chiropractor, naturopath, and potential kickboxing classes are also on my list. I also want to start counting macros and quit coffee, I’m relapsing on #NoFap, I want to start semen retention, etc etc etc.

Whatever, my roommate came crawling out of her room. I didn’t even know she was home. She went straight into couch potato mode. Into lay in the dark, be bloated and depressed mode. She won’t even cook for herself, she’ll order takeout like a child because nobody will take care of her. Am I projecting? lol. She’s also sick, which is hard to witness because she doesn’t cover her mouth when she coughs. She doubles down on being a baby. Blah! I need to stop using this as an outlet to be upset. I’m a miserable person, period. I have a couple of hours before I have to leave yet. I’ll lay around in my room and be a bloated bitch myself.

Last updated January 14, 2023