Pool non-party in Adventures in paradise

I don’t know why I went to the gay pool party yesterday, but I did. I saw a post from one of the local event photographers that he was going to be taking photos there, and it was the first I’d even heard about it! And I have been to that event in the past and it’s been pretty good. So I checked it out, and of course the ticketing website was down, but it said I could buy tickets on the door.
So I was feeling good by that point. I went and got cash out, tried out my pink swimmers, groomed a little, decided I was looking alright from all my working out - of course not great but looking in the mirror, I thought I looked okay. It was an overcast day, but there were bits of sunshine, so it might be okay.

I got to the event and saw it was card-only to pay both at the door and for drinks inside. Doh. I was annoyed because the webpage states nothing of that, but I should have known. Just as well I had brought my phone, because I wasn’t going to. I then realized I hadn’t brought any cards besides my ID, so then I had to figure out how to re-setup my ‘wallet’ on my phone. Thank God that worked, but it took a while of standing outside the gate trying to sort that shit out.

Long-story-short, no amount of feeling like I was looking alright could make up for my lack of social skills, social awkwardness, and lack of confidence. It also didn’t help that as soon as I walked in, I saw Sydney-Luke was there in the pool with his group of friends. Talk about panic - I only fantasize about him all the time lol.
Of course he was looking amazing. I was so surprised to see him here, and I’m not sure if it was a good thing or not that he was. Probably good, because I didn’t have good time otherwise.
The people who I knew who had stated they were ‘Going’ on the event page weren’t there at all, or at least I didn’t see them. The event itself was quite popular. Last time I went, there were nowhere near as many people (and I mean like 50 or so) but this time I think there would have been over 150. There were even three drag shows, which I saw none of last time.
Anyway, so I spent most of the time sitting by myself under the covered area away from all the main action, observing, trying to tell myself I was enjoying the perve-factor. A group of guys around my age who I know and obviously know me, decided to set up right by me, and all I could manage was a smile and laughing at them mking fun of each other. I wished I had that group of gay friends. But they didn’t hang around long - they moved all their stuff over to the chairs on the other side of the pool. Whether that was just a better set-up for them, or whether they wanted to get away from the awkward guy, or a bit of both, I don’t know.

I took yesterday as a chance to try out the new Ray-bans. It was fun wearing them and figuring out how they work. I tried not to film anyone who was nearby, as there is a privacy issue with wearing these, but they do light up when recording so people do know, which is good. Plus I was at a private outdoor event and gays love photos, plus I did see that photographer at one point, taking photos of all the people having fun, which was everyone but me.

I went for a swim, which was nice. I could see Luke on one of the floating devices. I should have hopped on one, as it was quite overcast still and the sun only came out a few times, so I probably wouldn’t have had to worry about sunburn too much, but I had applied sunscreen back at home. I don’t think Luke noticed me at all, all day.
Such is my life haha.

I did have a few conversations with guys, Aaron had noticed me and came over for a chat. He is in Brisbane from Berlin with his long-term partner, escaping the freezing cold over there. He said he was at a NYE event last night, where he initiated an orgy. He told me he was just waiting to use the bathroom. I joked with him, “That’s what always happens when I’m awaiting the bathroom too.”
So anyway, of course there was some huge gay party event that I had no idea about lol. I probably wouldn’t have been comfortable there anyway. I’ve never had an orgy in my life.
I then chatted to his partner, seperately, who has always been an attractive guy. He had such a genuine smile chatting to me, and I wished I could chat to guys as carefree as he does. Anyway, it was great to see them both, and he pointed out that Matt was there and pointed him out to me. I hadn’t seen him. I don’t think Matt likes me very much, but I went and said hi anyway, and he was cordial enough with me. Also had a small chat with his partner, Mark, who is a lovely guy. He said to me that I was looking very good these days. Awww, so that was nice of him to say.
Another guy chatted to me when I was sitting alone. He always goes to Tropical Fruits and asked me about if I go and some other stuff about World Pride, which I’m also attending this year in Sydney. He was friendly but it was hard to hear him over the music so I didn’t hear everything. He chatted to me agin toward the end of the event when I was sitting on the edge of the pool with my feet in the water. My glasses fell off the back of my head at one point into the water, and I thought I’d ruined them already (bravo Matt!) but they seemed to still be okay. They pair with my phone and automatically sent photos and 30/60 second videos to my phone as a file, which is pretty cool. I tested them out by saying ‘Hey Facebook, take a photo’ or ‘Hey Facebook, take a video’ and when I got home, I found out the photo command had worked, but not the video. I can also tap the button on the handle to take photo/video, but I still have to play around with them a bit, especially if I want to take phone calls with them. Whoever thought I could be having phone conversations with my sunglasses one day?
Anyway, I couldn’t see Luke anymore when I was sitting by the pool. I assumed he must have left with his group.
I stayed until around 4:30, so I did very well to put up with that for 4 hours of a 5-hour event. I had well and truly had enough. The three drinks I had bought did nothing to calm me down or reduce my anxiety. I had decided I had wasted $80 on going. $80 to see Luke from a distance and not even talk to him? Was that worth it?

These photos are from the glasses that I’m wearing in the first pic.

I really like the quality. The sound even sounds really good on the video I took with them of one of the drag queens, but I wasn’t standing in the right spot so won’t share.
There were also a few pics that I didn’t know I had taken haha, so yeah, still need to get used to them.

Anyway, I was in a downward spiral after that event, including bursting into tears in the shower when I got home. It felt good to cry. I was frustrated that I knew I was depressed. I was mad, and the depression just made me feel even worse about feeling that way.
I knew the sleep would help, and it did. I’m feeling okay this morning writing this.

I contacted Sam when I was walking home from the pool, asking if he was still keen on the room. I decided that if Sam had found elsewhere, I would contact Erikkson.
I got a simple reply, “Yeah, I am.” So I told him I think he is a good match and if he’s keen on living with me, I’ll send him an application form, which I did. I won’t know if I made the right decision. I’m pretty sure this guy is straight, but he was very kind and straight-forward and I won’t know until he moves in. So he’s already filled out the form and is sending it in today, which the property managers will have to approve. I don’t think it’ll be an issue. I just hate that I have to let all the others down. I’ve decided I’ll do it at the end of today, and just hope everything runs smoothly with the application process. Dale still needs to come back and clean the room, but he has a few weeks to do so yet.

Anyway, looking forward to gym today - not going for a few days probably hasn’t helped my shitty mood.