Optimism is escaping. in Since OD is shutting down....

There’s supposed to be school tomorrow but I’m starting to question it as it’s been snowing since last night or early this morning and apparently it’s pretty slippery around town. I’ve been with my daughter basically non stop for about 3 weeks except for my Mom watching her Friday morning for an hour and my brother taking her on Saturday for about 7 hours. I’m starting to lose what’s left of my fucking mind. I really love my daughter but we’ve been together so much lately that it’s just driving me crazy.

I’m really worried I’m not going to start my job program tomorrow if there’s no school. I’m just praying to God there’s going to be school because my mental health is taking a dive. The stress of starting an actual life is making me pretty anxious, probably because I worry about ever needing help from my family with my kid. Even the other night when my Mom was here, my Dad came to get her and literally walked by my front window to see if anyone was here with us. I just don’t trust him and I’m probably going to have to become pretty mean about it because I don’t think it’s ever going to get through until I do.

My daughter got the gifts from her Dad at my brother’s house. They played it off as my brother got them for her because that’s what I told them to do. I didn’t want her to get them in the first place because if she knew they were from him, she’d want to see him and then the same cycle of crap starts up all over again. She mentioned to me a couple of days ago that she wishes she had a Dad to live with us. I always tell her how sorry I am. I appreciate him getting her stuff for Christmas, he’s never done it before but I know that it’s just to get me to message him so he can go on and on about me ‘using’ him and I’m all about money. I refuse to put up with his abuse and I still believe the best thing would be for the courts to be involved.

I think he’s enjoyed watching me struggle to get along with him, beg him to be a Dad, me begging him to pay CS or get enrolled, the fact that I put in so much effort for him to see his child. I just don’t want to give him any more than I already have. I also wonder if the gifts were to impress someone as well. Like he bought them, took a picture and sat back taking glory for being such a great Dad in someone’s eyes. This is the first time he’s ever bought her anything on Christmas. I wish I would have known he was going to. I also wonder about the CS payment too. I would like to know if he plans on working for awhile or if that was to impress someone as there’s been times I’ve gotten one payment and then not another one for quite some time. It’s just so hard dealing with someone like this and that’s why I don’t.

It’s like his whole life has been just doing and saying things for someone to care. I don’t think he knows how to do the right thing or something nice unless there’s someone who might be impressed by it. Believe it or not, I do appreciate him spending the time and money to get her some gifts but I’m not going to message him and say that. I’ve done it in the past and you can tell by his attitude, it’s just to make sure that I will feed into his game. All he’s concerned about is making sure he’s always going to be able to get to me and disrupt my daughter’s stability. I’m sure he’s fuming that none of this went his way.

I just care about getting my life back in order and working again. I’m not mad at anyone. I also don’t want to be mad or depressed anymore. I’m just trying to live and be happy. I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit being upset over him and I refuse to spend one more iota of time worrying about shit I can’t control or change. I think true healing started a lot time ago and kept getting pushed back because other people couldn’t stay out of my business but now, I honestly don’t even care what anyone does. My Gramma died 9 days ago and it’s another reminder that life is incredibly short and I don’t want to look back and realize just how much time I spent being angry or losing sleep over things that I couldn’t control.

My Gramma also stayed angry about things or people that I think she should have let go of and I know I definitely want to not be upset anymore. Life is just too precious and every day is a gift. I’ve wasted enough time being down and letting things affect me a lot longer than I should have but now, I know what is what and there’s no changing it but I look at everything for what it is, not what it could have been. I see the part I played in my own suffering and I will never let someone get in my head and stay there like this ever again.

The mindfuck is really the biggest issue and what makes it hard to just let go. He doesn’t care about being a Dad, lies about everything and has excuses up the ass but then spends a grip of cash buying her Christmas presents?! It’s really maddening and disheartening that this is the guy I chose to have a child with and his crazy antics are never going to end. It’s crazy how someone could like this and they never try anything else. It’s just one game after another. They aren’t capable of having a different approach or even mindset.

I’m pretty happy to know that things are going to get better. I’m definitely ready to start living again and be doing productive things. I also want to have a life outside of the house again. I have gotten a lot of applications in on Indeed.com and hopefully I’ll get offered a job somewhere. My interview on Friday was such a waste of time and I think if these places aren’t actively hiring that they should get fined for wasting people’s time. It’s not easy for people with kids to line up and pay a sitter and pay for gas to attend interviews and then never hear back. I hate how many interviews I’ve wasted my time on and they didn’t bother to even send a text saying they weren’t going to hire me. I interviewed a couple of months ago for a place and they texted saying they chose someone else basically because I was a single Mom and I saw they posted the job again just 2 days ago!

I don’t think employers look at things the right away. You’d probably have better luck with a single parent because they are the ones actively supporting their children so they have to work! But no, they don’t want to hire someone with children because their afraid they’d be calling in all the time or being late but I don’t think they are looking at this from the right angle! I don’t take a lot in my life seriously outside of my daughter and working but when it comes to having a job, it’s my 2nd most important thing! I am still pretty pissed that they didn’t give me a chance simply because I have a small child but honestly, it’s their loss! I know I was at the same job for 7 years so clearly, I have a good head on my shoulders. I know how to show up on time and work my ass off. Sorry to any of these employers that won’t give me a fucking chance!!