It's My Party I'll Cry If I Want To in Current Events

My old-school slumber party was a success on Saturday. In my previous entry, I mentioned how I got stuck between a rock and a hard place because my roommate had a bit of a cough. When I explained the situation to her, that some of the people I invited were going to be uncomfortable she offered to stay at her parents. She had a daboo (debut) to attend that evening anyway. I told her that Leanne asked me to ask her to stay at her parents and Toni was understanding. She offered to before it was suggested. However, I told Toni I felt Leanne’s request was out of line. I told her to come home after her family function because this is her house. I also wanted her to join us. The last thing I wanted was for her to feel unwelcome and uninvited. She insisted at first but as time went on during the day it hit her that it was fucking rude. She came home and joined us after which was perfect.

We ordered Thai food, played board games, got drunk and then fell asleep to a movie. Ange, Carly, and Leanne hadn’t seen Brucey in a long time. They got to meet Alex, her girlfriend. Alex is awesome. She is an amazing person and those two are perfect together. Bruce had gone through a series of toxic relationships and finally found a keeper. All of us went to high school together, I should mention. Our friendships are old. Our circle has gotten smaller over the years because of various dramas and situations but I keep in touch with almost everybody.

Relapse

I had a full relapse. I ended my streak of #NoFap, the movement against watching porn. It had been about six weeks without it. I can jump on that bandwagon again. No biggy. I had a bad day at work yesterday. A bad me I should say. John told me that he had something eating away at him, he wanted me to know that Linda is not my friend when I am not there. He filled me in on a thing or two that she has to say about me and normally I wouldn’t care but I’m tired of letting her disrespect me. My mood just went downhill from there.

I was also facing the reality of the fact that I only have 12 hours this week. I hadn’t given myself a chance to react. I had been going non-stop but I finally have time today. I had thrown my resume around online a bit but I can try harder.

The Linda revelation opened up pandora’s box, per se. The favouritism on my team is toxic for those of us not on the receiving end of extra privilege. I feel like a union rep because everybody reports the bullshit to me because I am not afraid to do something about it. However, I feel that I keep getting rejected for full-time opportunities because I am a shit disturber. I am trying to avoid starting some shit but fuck it. I feel as though they are trying to smoke me out of there so the idea of quitting makes me feel like I am letting them win. Lame.

The dramas and upsets from work got to me. The dramas and upsets outside of work got to me. I slipped into all of my old toxic habits because of my emotional incontinence. I drank, I looked at influencers OnlyFans and I put all of my problems on the back burner. I’m just going to call this a bad day and forgive myself and move on. Beating myself up over it would be embarrassing.

I have the work Christmas party this weekend, I am going to say goodbye, so to speak. I am going to disconnect and detach from that place. Brandon, Susanna and Tally are just there to work, not to make friends. It is not their social circle. I respect that because that is the relationship I wanted to have when I started there. It comes off as rude like they’re better than everyone else but I get it.

Today, I do not work. I’m still in my feels but I can explore what those feelings are and then work on those issues, eventually. I intend to be productive today and tomorrow. I do have class tonight so I will make sure that I get some studying done. I have been eating like shit, drinking like shit, and feeling like shit so I am going to reset with a coffee enema and a detox bath. I might fast, I might not. I will toss my resume around some more.

I have my intentions set on quitting coffee next. It’s been 19 years of drinking coffee on an empty stomach every morning and I think I’m done with it. It’s like, I am pretending that I can’t figure out why I’m bloated and so fatigued in the afternoon. My cortisol levels and hormones are affected by this garbage and I should just get it together already. I know that it is poison. It’s why it wakes us up. The body panics to flush it out of our system. That is the adrenaline that wakes us up. The body then voids it, that is why it makes us #2. The kidneys then go to support the liver so that is why it makes us #1 a lot.

I’ve already quit so much since I turned 30. Cigarettes, eggs, meat, dairy, and a litany of toxic habits. I said I would never give up coffee but here I am getting ready to do so. Not without an action plan. Quitting porn was the bane of my existence but drinking coffee might be the big one. I have a lot of alcohol in the house, and once it is gone I am aiming to quit drinking for the rest of the year. I am letting my roommate have access to it. Should be gone in no time. If I am going to be honest with myself, I have been contemplating eating eggs again. I won’t but it keeps crossing my mind. It is the only thing I miss since I went vegan. Meat, never loved ya. Dairy, I’m grossed out beyond repair. Eggs though. They were my favourite food.

Speaking of alcohol and my roommate, she’s stepped up around the apartment. Birthday treat? She has been talking to me again, we’ve been hanging out in the evenings again. I can tell that she trying to work on herself and I want to support that process. It feels like I have my friend again. Of course, this off-and-on switch can be a little manipulative but this could just be part of her process of change. Personally, I have to grieve every little internal and external shift in my life whenever one happens. I go through all of the stages of grief. That is what I noticed that my depression doing whenever my depression hit me, thus I support the process. I race to acceptance. I did not support the process the right way yesterday when I exited a reality where I had respect for Linda and my workplace and entered a reality where I have to create boundaries. Whatever, I’m grown I can make mistakes.

Anyway, on with my day, I suppose.

Last updated January 10, 2023