My wish is coming in Journal

True.... I think. W is a lot better today and so is L. I don’t have any symptoms either except for that random fever a day ago.

I really need to get back on the home cooked meals and strict no eating out policy. We fell off that bandwagons pretty hard when baby was born. Oops. Don’t know if that’s why we’re sick but it can’t have helped.

Ive noticed that I have anxiety about nursing. When our son was born in the hospital almost 3 years ago, the know nothing lactation consultant gave me the HORRIBLE advice to pump every 2 hours. And she’d actually come in the room and check to see if I was. She reprimanded me for not making enough milk as well. Which is about as asinine as can be, because milk doesn’t even come in until day 3 on average.
Well, I was a ftm and naive so I listened… And ended up with massive overproduction. It took a few months to get it under control, but I had to pump, and at least once a week I got a clogged duct from pumping.
Now, being a ftm my breasts were extremely sensitive to start with, and the engorgement was awful, but on top of that the clogged ducts made life hell for at least 24 hours.
Anywho, I became aware of an anxious feeling as baby L has started to really extend her sleep time and time between feeds. And I realized I have the expectation* of pain. Not actual pain. Just the expectation.

I have been thinking deeper about the principle that everything is costs and benefits. Certainly after Childhood is through, everyone chooses everything. People always say they want to work on themselves or that they hope that they’ll be better… But there’s no evidence for these things. In fact I personally now view the admission “I hope that I’ll be a good [insert role here]” as an explicit statement that that person is totally and completely satisfied with their current ability and will actively avoid ignore and obscure all objective standards related to that role. This is the evidence for the idea that whatever benefit is gained from actual getting better is less than the cost entailed for that person.
It’s the basic question; why haven’t you done it yet? If you really want to, why haven’t you already done it?
And the reason no one asks is because no one wants to be revealed as a base cost-benefits calculator. It’s all most people are. But the pain of admitting that is too great, and the benefit of having that knowledge too little to explore this basic truth.