Posturing in Journal

I’ve caught myself doing it twice in the last 2 days! Uhg.
I don’t want to characterize it as “cringe”, but it is… At least that’s how I feel, and how I imagine others feel. Both times were speaking with aunt M. I want to present a certain picture, as manipulative as that is. To what end? I almost want to say it’s a bit of self sabotage. I wonder if this is overlap from my extreme awkwardness that kept people from getting too close to me.
There is a thought, or belief, that if she gets to know me she will reject me. Yet, if I posture and am not honest, she won’t accept me anyways bc she won’t know me. Perhaps that is the genesis of the disconnected, sad feeling that I had after leaving from visiting on Monday.

Well.
DHs old HS friend and best man at our wedding is coming out for dinner tonight. We got seafood and fresh oysters for the occasion. He loves oysters. I do, too. Well, anything from the sea, really.
This friend, N, got married just before DH and I, and DH was his best man as well, and got divorced only 5 years later. So he is single, no kids, has this big house all to himself and I think looking for a girlfriend. I think he wants kids but I’m not sure yet.
The divorce was a sad affair but for the best, I think. She was not a happy person, having smoked and drank a LOT, and pretty self centered imo. Kind of destructive now that I think to characterize her. Had I not had my own head up my ass, I might have prevented him marrying her in the first place.
But. He’s definitely looking for a lady, and it would be nice to hang out as couples again. And ofc I want him to be happy and successful in his relationship goals. He’s a good guy, I believe, especially since he’s my DHs friend.