Chiropractor. in Since OD is shutting down....

My back has been hurting more than normal lately, to the point where I’m concerned how much pain I’ll be in when I do start working so my daughter and I went to the chiropractor this morning. He said that I need to be walking 35 minutes 3-5 times a week to get my heart rate up and to start snacking on carrots and sugar snap peas. I told him my liver is enlarged and he said there’s something that’s making it problematic. I need to start taking my health seriously and eating better. I’m honestly concerned.

I have been cleaning today and spraying down everything. I’m so ready to be back in the groove of things and excited for my interview tomorrow. I have also applied at a bunch of places yesterday as well. I just want to start living again. I also want to spend some time finding babysitters that are trustworthy and affordable because it would be nice to plan a night out, even once a month for a couple of hours. I have spent too much time being stuck and I have to start finding babysitters and back up plans. I don’t want to feel like I’m just surviving anymore.

My Mom says she’ll come in the morning to watch my daughter but I told her if she isn’t here about 30 minutes before I’m supposed to leave, I’ll plan to just take her with. I’ve been trying to call her all day and every time I do, she either doesn’t answer or quick to let me go. It’s like my Dad is just absolutely terrified of her even talking to people over the phone! I literally hate him and I will be so fucking glad when he’s dead! He’s just a worthless selfish piece of garbage and I wish I never had to worry about seeing or speaking to him ever again!!

We have 4 days until school starts back up and I start my work program or start working. I can’t even describe how excited I am. I told my friend this morning I literally can’t sit in my house anymore. I am so thankful we are down to less than a week! Like Christmas break wasn’t enough, but then the week before school let out we had a big blizzard and were snowed in! All of this has taken such a toll on my mental health and come hell or high water, I’m going to get a fucking job and start climbing out of this shit!

Some girl posted on Facebook today from my city saying that she was a single Mom of 2 kids under the age of 2 and didn’t have a car, no job due to not having a sitter, no money and needed help. I find it funny that after people brought her money, diapers, and food that she posted an email for job offer but not before everyone helped. I get it, we all need help and I definitely don’t envy her at all but after I’ve seen my own baby daddy post on that site and lied about every single thing in his post, I don’t trust a fucking thing anyone says! I just don’t think as a Mom that it’s okay to get that far down where it becomes impossible to climb back out!! She said it’s hard to load up her kids and haul them around?!!?!?!?!? Some lady commented and said that yeah it’s hard to haul them around but it’s harder to live life struggling and offered to watch her kids so she could go to an interview! She had some excuse of course but people lose credibility with me when people are offering to help and there’s an excuse for every aspect!!

It definitely makes me think of my own situation and realize how good I have it and things aren’t really that bad. I’m grateful to only have one child, that she’s school age and that I can at least plan to work while she’s in school. I’m also super grateful to have a car to drive and not worry about taking the bus or asking for rides. Things could definitely be worse and I need to always remember how blessed my daughter and I really are.

I just want to get a job before I have to because at some point, I’m going to need to replace my car and for that I’m going to have to be working and be able to work consistently. I have to accept that my family is never going to help and I truly am on my own so I have to find other people to help with my daughter when I need it. I’m just angry that I’ve always been made to feel like a shit Mom if I ask my brother or my Mom to watch my kid, even when it’s so I could work or go to a fucking job interview! It’s bullshit! I feel like I’ve definitely been beat down and just kinda learned to never ask anyone to help but I refuse to sit here and be jobless forever too! I want to work and be a normal fucking person!!

I know I’m sad about my Gramma passing but sitting in my apartment by myself while my daughter is in school isn’t going to help. I want to get out there and start being busy and getting my mind off of things. I can’t handle being by myself all day long anymore while my child is in school. Not working is just going to make us stuck here even longer, getting a job and start getting things paid or fixed and planning to leave is what I’m wanting to do.

All I know is I’m going to utilize what help there is available and plan to get things going. My essential plan is to move this Summer but in the mean time, I just want to be working and getting everything figured out. I just don’t want to stay in a crap situation any longer. This sitting in the house all the time is really depressing. I go from angry to depressed all day long and I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I am really proud of how much stuff I’ve gotten rid of in the past 2 weeks and my house is looking better all the time. I went through the cupboards just a couple of days ago and the lower cupboards and I couldn’t believe how much stuff I had.

I want my life to mean something and I want my daughter to be proud of me. I gotta start somewhere, even if it’s a part time job until I build up my confidence and have back up sitters in place. I’m so grateful for what we have and that I’ve been able to stay self sufficient all this time. I’m grateful for the help I have received so we are able to stay in our own place but I want to give back once I’m in a good place financially.

It’s hard to not get angry at my daughter’s DBBD for leaving me in this incredibly difficult situation all because he can’t control me. I’m angry that my brother seems more interested in fueling the fire than being an uncle to my child. I’m angry that my Mom is of no help and even if she is, I have to worry about my Dad not respecting my boundaries as a parent. I’m really upset that none of this has gotten better and it never will. I am still in shock that this is the same situation it’s been all along and my daughter is the one who’s affected the most.

I haven’t thought much of my BD the past month after the last war I had with him. I think I’ve finally reached the point where life is just too short and I can’t change him or my being a single Mom but I can change the way I look at it and there’s a lot that’s in my control like getting a job and finding sitters when I need them. That dude ain’t shit and someday he’s going to answer for being what he is. He has willingly abandoned his child but done what he can to convince everyone around him that I am the problem. At this point, I’ll own that shit. I’m more interested in living a peaceful life and doing the best for my child.

Someday he’ll get picked up on that warrant and be sorry for not working and not trying to make things right with me so I would go forgive thousands of dollars. He’s a sorry piece of work and I feel sorry for anyone who crosses his path and tries to defend him. There’s nothing to defend! I’m also proud of myself for not picking up the gifts he left with my brother and just letting it be. I just know that if she were to get them, she’d know who they are from and then want to see him and then cycle starts all over again. I think that’s too much for either one of us to try and endure. I just can’t have him disrupt her stability again because it’s not fair to her. I also don’t want to worry about her acting out at school and not being able to work like after the last time he was around.

Life is just so much easier without him in the equation. I just refuse to allow his crazy to affect our lives ever again. I just feel until the courts are involved, I think it’s best to not allow his presence. He will not be consistent and doesn’t care about seeing or taking her unless it’s to help his image. I know first hand what this shit has been like for my daughter and I’ll be damned to go through