Christmas is over. in Since OD is shutting down....

I am again super glad that Christmas is over. This time it was even worse because my Gramma died the morning of Christmas eve. My parents came and my daughter opened her presents. I’m super irritated that I didn’t get videos of her opening her things but I can’t change it now. It’s just bullshit that we couldn’t expect my Mom to show up yesterday so that’s yet another thing done on someone else’s fucking time.

We went out today after being home for the past 4 days. I don’t hear from my Mom until we are in the middle of the store because they showed up at my house with my laundry and I wasn’t home. Well it would have been a good idea to maybe call before just showing up?! Then I was trying to meet them at the grocery store where they were walking out as we were walking in so I had to go all the way to their house to get it. I will just do my own fucking laundry from now on and not have to chase it all over hell!

My daughter and I got lunch at McDonald’s and came back home. I think we both feel better getting out of the house. I told my friend this morning that I am so sick of looking at the inside of my house that I could puke. I’m sick of being stuck here. I just feel so lonely and isolated. I have a job interview on Friday and I hope I get it so I can work on car repairs and saving money to move. I just can’t imagine staying here because it’s never going to get better.

I wish I had a babysitter so I could let out a good cry because my Gramma died. I miss her and I’m very angry that I didn’t get to have more time with her before she went into the nursing home because of my uncle. I’m angry that it’s always just my daughter and I. We have zero social life here and all we do is sit at home because it’s too cold to do anything else. I feel like I failed my child because no one gives a shit about us. I feel so guilty because we don’t have any kind of support here and there’s no reason to stay.

My Gramma was the only adult I had as a child who had patience for me and made me feel safe and loved. My parents always treated me like a burden, a nuisance. I believe my Gramma loved me and her love was unconditional. My Gramma was the only adult I had as a kid that made effort with me and always did what she could to make me feel like I was important. I just have so many memories but I have to put my grieving on hold until my daughter goes back to school because I don’t want her to see me an absolute mess. I’m so frustrated that I can’t get a break for even an hour so I can let my tears out. I have that hard lump in the back of my throat holding in my tears and it’s physically painful.