Battle in Current Events

It feels as though the only way I am going to shake this off is if I hurt somebody else. Hurt people hurt people. My mind is fantasizing about all the ways that I could be an emotional and mental terrorist at work. I don’t want to let my narcissism (not separate from anybody) take over. I’m not confident, however, that I will succeed.

The last time that I didn’t get my way I surrendered to the pain. I let my narcissism take over and I started to throw a tantrum my way. Manipulate everything around a person and let their world collapse on them. I didn’t get away with it, thank god. I was sloppy. However, the seeds I planted are still there.

What I need is a good pep talk from a good friend. I could give it to myself but I appear to want external validation #Weak. So I didn’t get the full-time position that I wanted. I have bigger and better things planned for myself. I didn’t want full-time to begin with when I started there. I didn’t want that place to become my whole world. My whole life. I don’t want to get trapped in a comfort zone again and become a lifer. I’m working toward my forever career. I’m in a position where it is possible to get by on part-time. I want less time at work and more time for my studies. I want to have time for my creative outlets. I want more time to work on myself.

What did I want full-time for? The extra money was going to help clear my personal debts faster. I wanted to have the ability to afford this apartment on my own. There were some hobbies that I wanted to start. Some other financial goals.

What’s the opportunity here? I could get a side hustle. I could look for work somewhere else. I could even apply at a different location. I could be more dedicated to the things that I am passionate about.

Yesterday, a buddy from work messaged me to vent about his reduced hours. I haven’t looked at mine yet. He’s down to two shifts a week. My ego is creating victim narratives for myself. This feels like retaliation against us for bringing up those issues with Mike but feelings are not facts. I was in my buddy’s shoes this time last year. Christmas is over, and sales at our store will be at their lowest. This isn’t personal. The opportunities to pick up shifts are always there.

Tomorrow will be internally menacing. I’ll be rumbling with my ego. I want to go in and be my fabulous self and create a good work climate as always but a part of me wants to create drama and upsets. To retaliate essentially. Do I want to be self-seeking and spiteful? I’m just upset that I’m upset. I’m angry that I’m angry. I am going through the stages of grief and I’m trying to rush to acceptance.

ugh, self-awareness sucks.