White Rabbit in Current Events

After my morning coffee, yesterday, I went to task and started cleaning the apartment. My roommate, Toni, was lying on the couch watching TV while I cleaned around her. She had her head propped up against the arm of the sofa. It doubled her chin. Her hair was a mess, her skin was greasy, and her face was puffy which made her restless bitch face crooked. It felt like one of those moments where a spouse realizes they have fallen out of love.

Resentment is not a function of anger it is a function of envy. I envy that she gets to wake up and never worry about what it takes to keep this apartment free from bugs, rodents, and mould. What it takes to keep this apartment stocked with food. That she doesn’t have to care about cleaning up after herself. [Insert My Usual Diatribe Here]. I need to stop being her simp.

She made her way to her room shortly after that where she spent the rest of the day. Whenever she did come out of her room she was sniffling. She doesn’t have a cold, it could just be a coincidence but I suspect that she spent the day crying about something. Let’s be real, there is only one thing she will cry about and that is Bob. She hadn’t spoken to him since her last breakdown.

I asked her on Thursday what her plans were this weekend. I was trying to see if she wanted to order in and watch a movie together but she said she was busy all weekend. She wasn’t. She left the house Saturday evening at 10:30 pm. I don’t know where she went but she had leftovers on the coffee table that she forgot to put away. I think she grabbed a bite with Bob. Besides me, and the rare family gathering, she only has two people that she hangs out with. Bob and Stacy. Stacy doesn’t leave her house.

I refuse to be emotionally available for her just out of spite. I got three sentences from her when I told her how upset I was that I didn’t get the full-time position. That’s fucked up. Fuck that place. You can get a better job. I couldn’t get more than three sentences out of her in days, to be frank. The countless time that I have been there for her and the one time I opened up to her, a year ago, about what my family was going through she instantly turned that into an evening all about what she felt that I owed her. Anyway, she’s in her head about something. Whatever it is, it’s only about herself. She does not have the capacity to think about others. Only about what they owe her. She is 36 and turning 17 next year.

I do need to appreciate her growth in 2022. Astrologically speaking, next year should be a huge year for personal development for her. Me as well. Aires and Taurus are the main characters of 2023. Toni is a Taurus, my rising is Taurus. Personal development is already my journey so I’m hoping next year will be a good one.

Speaking of astrology, I am still a student. I’m learning more and more about my own chart. I am four times a stellium. I have four planets in Capricorn (plus my midheaven), and three in Scorpio (plus my descendant). I did not consider the houses. I have three planets in my 6th house, Virgo, and I have three planets in my 8th house, which is Sagittarius. I accepted that my chart had no fire sign energy, but I was wrong. Of course, there is no consensus on what qualifies a stellium.

My Jupiter is in Aquarius. I heard a perfect description of an aspect of Aquarius which resonated with me. Aquarius has a reputation for being detached but that’s only because Aquarius has a zoomed-out view of things. That’s all. It comes off as detached. Whether or not this affects me, that is exactly how I see things. I have a zoomed-out view of things. Capricorn is sharp. Scorpio is deep. Then I have a zoomed-out perspective on top of that. I still feel compelled to push through my social anxiety and get my voice out there but I’m not quite there. Close though.

I finished 1899 on Netflix yesterday. It has everything I love about a show. The villain of the show went on a tangent about how there are only avoiders and seekers. He’s right. The avoiders are the NPCs in society. The seeker’s journey is not for everyone. It’s absolutely painful which is why the avoiders hate conspiracy theorists so much. They don’t want to experience the pain of losing fundamental belief structures. They’re just committed to their software. They cannot see that they are cognitively hijacked. We are spiritualizing our own prison. They will not produce original thoughts and evolve. It’s hard to witness because life is not supposed to be this way.

Anyway, I have my Christmas brunch today at my mother’s. I should get on with my day.

Last updated December 26, 2022