and it begins in Second 1st

First, have a look at the latest entry to wrap up and loose ends… .Though begging was done on the 17th there has still been no progress there. I thought for sure by Tuesday giving him time to rest after a 4 day stretch at work… but that’s not the case. Rocky has an appointment to talk to the gastrologist about the chest stuff.... finally.... the doc had told him 2 weeks and it’s been a good month and 1/2 but his appointment is tomorrow.

Bought another toy for myself and it’s not working properly. I was looking forward to giving it a go but.... Instead, I’ve sent a video to customer service and will have to wait and see what they want me to do.

Today was my first session with a therapist. It was mostly me talking as I guess it should be? I cried a lot.... I guess that’s good? .... I don’t know.... I told her about what happened when I was 5 and about the memory block.... and cheating on my husband in June.... and still talking to Jake.

I told her about how Rocky will ignore the sexual need for 6 months at a time and the recent begging.... and I cried… a lot. I am drained and tired… and all I want is to hear Jake’s voice.

I just want to hear about how his day is going. Some kind of conversation that proves the world isn’t ending. I just want to hear him tell me everything’s okay and he’s proud of me for going. I want to tell him how it went.

The therapist said I likely have Generalized Anxiety disorder and she’s going with that for now. This will allow her to approve me for 6-8 sessions with her and if I need more therapy she will recommend someone else to help. She specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.... so no meds.... I don’t want any if I can help it. She also suggested seeing someone about weight management. I took it with a smile as she was just as big as I am. I KNOW she means well unlike smaller folk who I’m not so sure if they mean well or they just intend on making me feel bad. I told her finances have always been an issue (after conversations about paying the lights and water bills at 12 years old) and it’s on the list of things to do for myself soon.

So.... as far as therapy goes she sent home a few papers to read that basically tell me how to logic myself.... which I do all the time.... so I guess I get to go over that with her next time.... in 3 weeks.... Jan 27th I’m going to make appointments with her on Friday’s so there is no possibility of bringing Rocky along and for the most part I can call Jake when I leave.

I talked to Rocky.... who basically laughed because he’s lived through most of the questions she asked.... and when we ate lunch I went over this
Symptoms
Generalized anxiety disorder symptoms can vary. They may include:
Persistent worrying or anxiety about a number of areas that are out of proportion to the impact of the events
Overthinking plans and solutions to all possible worst-case outcomes
Perceiving situations and events as threatening, even when they aren’t
Difficulty handling uncertainty
Indecisiveness and fear of making the wrong decision
Inability to set aside or let go of a worry
Inability to relax, feeling restless, and feeling keyed up or on edge
Difficulty concentrating, or the feeling that your mind “goes blank”

Physical signs and symptoms may include:
Fatigue
Trouble sleeping
Muscle tension or muscle aches
Trembling, feeling twitchy
Nervousness or being easily startled
Sweating
Nausea, diarrhea or irritable bowel syndrome
Irritability

Not so much they physical signs and symptoms.... though trouble sleeping, Fatigue, feeling twitchy, irritability and easily startled are all things I currently have .... and have had… I do have all of the above symptoms.... most of the time… always been “personality traits”… not sure how to separate them from how I logic myself .... and I guess that’s where I start....