Not Bitter, I'm Unsweetened in Current Events

Of course, I’m going to let it get to me that I didn’t get the position I applied for. I went to bed just after six yesterday. I woke up around 1 this morning. I was tossing and tortured so I gave up trying to fall back asleep. That which kept me up was not about the position, to my surprise. I am upset about something else but I kept it to myself because I didn’t want it to influence my candidacy for that position. Now that it’s all said and done, it bubbled up to the surface.

My store has a rodent problem, as do most big box stores. It wasn’t this out of control last year. My team was doing our service list, business as usual, and I landed in the birdseed area. It was beyond disgusting because of the mice. My boss told me not to deep dive and clean the mess but to brush the seeds and mouse shit off the bins and products and move on with life. That was not the right call. I wasn’t afraid to do the right thing, I pulled everything off the shelf and deep cleaned it so it was safe for associates and shoppers. I was speechless for hours after I was done.

I was speechless because of how bad the managers will let things get. They all let the Mike situation get out of control. He was abusive. Whenever I brought up his behaviour I was told that Mike is just Mike. A colleague told me that he was calling him gay and then pretended to go at him with a broom, to sodomize him. He asked me not to do anything. I held on to that for as long as possible while trying to get him to speak up. Then one day Mike started going off about how much he hates Tito. He was talking to someone else on our team while I was in the aisle. He was talking about how he wanted to murder him. Put him six feet in the ground. He started fantasizing about it, boasting about how he knows where Tito lives. Then he walks by me and tells me that I heard nothing.

I brought it up to my boss, she downplayed it. I brought it up to HR, and all she had to say was well that’s not very professional. So I wrote an e-mail and sent it to HR and my boss reminding them of what their duty was in response to harassment. I had to twist their arms to investigate and make a decision about how to handle this abuser.

Mike was off for two weeks during that investigation. When they sat me down to tell me that they concluded the investigation, they didn’t tell me anything about it. As expected. I asked if he was still employed and they said that he was. I told them that he would retaliate. They said he wouldn’t because there will be consequences. One hour later Mike is back at work.

Mike retaliated. He tossed contents out of my bag while I was on break, not sure what that was supposed to accomplish. There was an incident in the parking lot where he was in his vehicle, he looked like he was going to wait for me to walk past but he sped off forcing me to halt. That was supposed to intimidate me. He was telling people on my team about how much he hated me and was going off about all the violent things that he wants to do to me. When I told my boss she told me to wait it out. She told me that she couldn’t explain anything further but it was obvious that he was working out a notice.

Now that he is gone, he is harassing me online. He is telling people on my team not to talk to me. They let this get worse and worse as usual. I wasn’t protected. My safety was not considered at all. They only care about where the liability is. I knew that I was putting my neck on the line when I started this drama. He did quit because of me, his words, not mine. So the outcome worked itself out but the managers are all saying how much of a bully he was. They knew it but didn’t do enough about it. I had to do it. I’m not afraid to do the right thing.

To sum it up, the company protected a predator. They silenced the victims with NDAs and moved on with life.

Victim Narrative
My mind is also creating a victim narrative as to why I wasn’t the selected candidate. The last time that I didn’t get this position, there was a lot of drama. I started the drama, naturally. Linda was bragging that she was promised the position after her interview. I hadn’t even had mine and people on my team were upset for me. This was after she told me that Mel approached her, and her only, about that position before she announced it. I was asked not to apply. I brought it all up to HR and the store manager. Long story short Linda got the position. I’m supposed to believe she did a better interview than me. I’m not over it because she is a rude lazy cow. I outperform her tenfold. She also continues to commit time theft repeatedly. Right in front of my boss. I had to bring it up again recently at one of our rallies. My boss had no interest in learning who it was that I was talking about but we all know.

Linda broke all the non-disclosures from that saga. Mel sheltered her from any consequences. I wasn’t allowed to defend myself while she told everybody lies. I was also written up for a conversation that A) didn’t happen in the building and B) was twisted into a completely different narrative. Linda’s doing. The conversation was about the two sets of standards my boss has. Linda is on the receiving end of privilege and decided to twist what I said into something different.

My boss does play favourites but she is oblivious to the optics. Everybody on the receiving end of extra privilege is white. She will work Tally and Tito like dogs and Brandon and Susana get all of the glory, for example. I’m actually the only person of colour she ever hired for the team. She did hire me as a favour for Bev, who was a favourite at that time. Bev lost the status and privileges of being a favourite and she quit because of how toxic that became for her. Adam, Ronnie, Tito, and Tally she inherited, they’re POCs. They go the extra mile and get no recognition, no celebration, and no support. Meanwhile, Brandon & Susana will get employee of the month for simply just doing their jobs. It’s something we POCs can see. Whenever I bring up the second set of standards, it only affects Mel’s favourites. Like, the store even has a policy that employees can’t date if they report to the same manager. Brandon and Susanna live together. Linda, Brandon, Susanna and Shelly are the ones who get extra long breaks. They take them with Mel right in front of the rest of us who do notice. I didn’t even notice most of this until it was pointed out to me so it’s not just in my head. It’s at least in others. People tell me these things because they know that I am not afraid to do something about it.

Currently, while I’m off, I have coworkers reporting to me that Linda is taking extra long breaks. They can’t stand it either. They know I will do something about it.

There is no evidence that my boss has an unconscious bias about race. My mind wants to play the race card because it’s just the easiest way to feel sorry for myself. The reasoning I was given as to why I wasn’t the selected candidate this time also felt like a farce. My answers weren’t in-depth enough and she wants to see me work more safely. I got written up for hitting my head a year ago and that is being used against me. Basically, I was told that I am too much of a liability to work full-time. Bullshit. The person we suspect got the position has only been at the store for a couple of months. She’s actually an amazing worker and will be great on our team. If I wasn’t bitter about losing to her I would be happy for her. I don’t want to let my ill feelings be anyone else’s problem.

Whatever, I don’t actually want to go down that road. Things just cut deep with me and I take it way too personally. Russel Brand’s step four from his Recovery program is an amazing tool. I think I will use it here.

I Resent: Not getting the full-time position.

Because: I felt I deserved it.

This Affects:
Pride (what I think of me): Yes.
My Self-Esteem (what I think others think of me): Yes.
Personal Relations (The script I give others): Yes.
Sexual Relations (As above but with sex): No.
Ambitions (How I see the world): Yes.
Security (What I need to be okay): Soft yes.
Finances: Soft yes.

My Part:
Mistakes: I am taking this personally. I am becoming shortsighted.
Selfishness: I am making this all about myself. I should be happy for the person who gets the position. I am working on bigger goals. This was never my forever job.
Dishonesty: I am creating victim narratives. I am mentally preparing myself to retaliate and manipulate people into backing me up.
Self-Seeking: I am mentally preparing myself to campaign to get people to turn on my boss. I already started to campaign to get attention. Nothing drastic, just informing those who were rooting for me that I didn’t get the position. I stopped myself from victim signalling because I wanted to give myself time to process this.

Character Defects:
I’m acting too proud, I’m feeling sorry for myself, I’m envious, being a little self-righteous. It led me to have a drink, which is not detrimental as I’m not an alcoholic but this is not my way.

Hurt people hurt people. I don’t want to make anyone else hurt just because I am hurting. I don’t want to return to work on Tuesday and let my narcissism (not separate from anybody) take over. I don’t want to let this deter me from my other goals. I am currently winning at my porn addiction, I don’t want to relapse just because my feelings are hurt. I don’t want to get drunk every night just because my feelings are hurt. I don’t want to take it out on others just because my feelings are hurt.

It’s Christmas weekend, I had every intention to enjoy this weekend. I don’t want to let this spoil it. I only have a half day without Toni today. I want to make the most of it. She is doing her boxing thing this evening also. If she isn’t busy tomorrow evening, I want to see if she would like to go in on a big order of East Indian food.

I shall move on with my day. I have my usual lineup ready to go. Detox bath and coffee enema. I need a mental detox also, lol.