Theme of my life. in Since OD is shutting down....

Is no babysitter!! I have now taken her with me to all my appointments in the past week and will be taking her with me tomorrow since my Mom is a flake and her old daycare lady isn’t answering my messages but it says she’s read them so I get to deal with all that in the morning! I was really hopeful for my daughter because I can tell she’s just itching to get a break from me and the house but there isn’t going to be one, at least until January 3rd! Even when I’m looking to pay someone to watch her, there’s still no fucking help!!

But the good news is after tomorrow, I won’t have any more appointments lined up until she’s back in school. We went to my appointment today and they actually don’t help with relocating which sucks but I’m going to utilize what help they are offering and start working towards getting shit figured out. It’s hard because nothing has worked out like I wanted for my daughter and myself but I’m going to find a way regardless. I am going to have to start trusting people with my child and figuring out how to afford childcare when I am in need but I can’t plan to sit around and do nothing for the rest of my life because I don’t have a fucking village!!

I really hope that everyone feels great about the fact that I am just completely on my own. I don’t think they look at the bigger picture that it’s not just about ditching out on watching my child, I’m not able to move on into working and providing better for us. It’s like no one wants to see me do better because then there’s nothing negative they can say. I think everyone likes the shitty predicament I’m in because it’s fun to sit around and talk shit.

My appointment went well today. I’m upset that I had to take my daughter with me because it was an hour and a half in a boring office. She was really good though. I just gave her my phone and she sat quietly. I have some stuff I have to do here at home and need to get it done by the 29th and I’ll have to go there starting the 3rd for 20 hours a week to try and deal with the barriers that prevent me from working such as childcare and then I can start working towards learning a trade or something. I’m going to ask about just finding a job from 9am-2pm Monday through Thursday though because I know being there it’s going to be pretty boring but it’s stuff that would help me.

We got some food at the store and I made chalupas for lunch. My daughter had a burrito. We’ve spent some time just hanging out on our phones. I told her that she’s probably going with me in the morning since my messages went unanswered. I don’t mind though, I’m pretty used to all this after 5 years. A little break would have been nice but people suck. We’ll get through it like we always do.

So we did the whole shop with a cop last night and my daughter had a blast. She got about $120 worth of gifts from Target and they gave me a little bag of shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste and a gift card with $15 on it. I also got a bag of canned green beans, brownie mix, instant mashed potatoes and 2 gravy packets. We got home and my daughter said it was the best night of her life which was super sweet. I’m glad I took her because she really enjoys meeting other people and really gets into the holidays. It makes me happy that she likes to be social and get out and do things.

I’m really worried that I’m never going to have a job or a career because I don’t have anyone to watch my daughter that’s affordable and trustworthy. I feel like I have failed my child and I just can’t let go of that feeling no matter what I try to say to myself to feel better. If you have children with the wrong person, the punishments are daily. The reminders are harsh and reality can sometimes really be a bummer. I can’t believe that I just be out here raw dogging reality. No cigarettes, no alcohol and no anti depressants. I also don’t have any friends here so my loneliness is absolutely killing me.