Derp in Current Events

Yesterday, I was caught off guard by my depression. I ended some cycles and created new ones. My mind needs to grieve the loss of the old structures. I should have seen this coming. I supported the process, or so I like to think. I do like to let myself feel the grief, this is where my creative energy comes from. This is also when music touches my soul, this is also when I feel the most alive. I spent a huge portion of my day lying around listening to music. I let my imagination take me to faraway places. However, I did drink a little bit of whiskey and went to bed feeling guilt-ridden. I felt as though I cheated myself.

I think the guilt was that I didn’t commit to studying the material from my last class. That was supposed to be my first priority. That is hardly breaking a cycle if I procrastinated. I made it up to myself by going in for some tutoring after my shift today. I got a handle on the material now I just need to practice it. Here I am procrastinating with this entry. Also, I’m having a glass of whiskey.

On Thursday, I have an appointment with my bank. I am applying for a credit line. My goal is to pay Bev back what I owe her. She was my lifeline briefly during that transfer of wealth and power we called a pandemic. I was almost homeless. The deal was that I pay her back after I empty my credit card which I just did. I can take my financial burden back.

Tito returned to work today from his medical leave. He was confused about why Mike wasn’t there. I told him that Mike quit. He was curious because he was pulled into the office in regard to Mike. They asked him questions about how he was treated by Mike, etc. Tito has no idea that the investigation was about the violent rhetoric Mike had against him. That was the last straw for me so I reported it. The way this man talks about Tito is disgusting. His behaviour all around is egregious. He’s an abusive bully. Now he’s harassing me since he quit but he’ll get bored and move on with his life. I hope, anyway.

Alcohol is not a cycle, anymore. For some reason, when I drink I feel guilty. On a deeper level, it is clear that this no longer serves me. I think my mind is communicating to me that this is in my way. I need to remove it altogether. I think I will do just that. This can wait until after my birthday.

The reason I bring up cycles, existentially so, is because I discovered that there is an internal reset of sorts when my body expresses healing. When I experience what normies call a cold or flu. I was conscious of it this time so I took advantage of it and managed to disconnect from pornography effortlessly.

When I turned thirty I looked around at everybody else my age. They can’t run, they can’t shit, they can’t breathe, and I recognized that I was now in the age group that is getting diagnosed with everything. I decided to clean my act up for my niece, who my sister was pregnant with at the time. We will be around our 50s when she graduates. I want to be active enough to keep up with her. We are where we are because of what we put in the past. I want to manifest good health when I am fifty so I am conscious about what I am putting in the present. This is when I quit smoking, I quit eating junk food, I quit eating eggs, meat & dairy altogether. I quit a plethora of toxic habits and made a lot of lifestyle changes to support the future that I want and the bane of my existence was porn. It’s been almost two weeks and it’s still going strong. I can feel a lot of shifts within myself but I don’t want to talk about it. I’m still trying to understand them myself. Semen retention is at the top of my list for 2023. This has to do with my spiritual, my breathing ritual.

This spiritual is what we are all celebrating here in the west. The Christmas tree is the tree of life, our spines. Santa Clause is Saturn Claustrum. When the moon rises in our sun sign, a psyochemical germ is planted at the base of our spine (Christmas tree) in a sacred oil, the christos, the christ within. We heave(n) it up to our pineal glands where christ is born, we will become enlightened. Or it sinks, which is a sin. Sink = sin.

Anyway, I suppose I can get on with my studying now. Tomorrow is the last class for two weeks. I also register for a new one tomorrow which starts right after I finish this math one. It’s going to be about history and philosophy. I am going to really enjoy that one. I am going to miss math also. I took consumer because I let the counsellor talk me out of calculus a million years ago. I’m rusty as fuck, I’m out of touch with so much because it’s been ages but whatever.