My left ear is plugged up. in Since OD is shutting down....

I had that horrible ear ache Friday night that came on out of nowhere and then yesterday my left ear and jaw was super sore. Now today I wake up and I can’t hear very well out of my ear and it’s driving me crazy. I keep blowing air out of my mouth and holding my nose shut which is helping some. I don’t think it will stay plugged for too long. I was pretty grumpy this morning because we go out to the living room so I can start breakfast and I couldn’t find the tv remote. I don’t know why, but that really sets me off. I finally find it after tearing the couch apart and not getting to start breakfast right away. I just hate when stuff isn’t where it’s supposed to be!

I’ve been looking up about cash assistance in my state and it sounds like they help with relocating as well. I don’t know what the terms are with that but I would absolutely love to get some help with moving. I didn’t move last year because I didn’t think I could handle doing it all by myself but maybe if I could get some help with that, it would be doable. They are starting an after school program there as well so there’s another reason to go. I just want to figure out everything with all of our stuff, re home a cat, figure out utilities and make sure this unit is clean. Oh, and find a place there. I really want to move and I would if I was able to get help.

It’s really hard being a single Mom with no village. I think it’s foolish on my part to keep asking the same people to help with my daughter when they’ve shown time and time again that they aren’t going to help and don’t care what happens to either one of us. I just want to get away from all this negativity and move to a new place where I can start fresh. I can honestly say there is not one person here in this town that has any genuine regard for my daughter and myself. I also don’t think you are meant to spend your whole life never moving away from your hometown.

My struggle is mine to figure out and I’ve spent 5 years doing it with no village. Why stay here thinking if I was in dire need, my family is going to help me out? They don’t. My goals are to move and do what I need to do to make that happen. I am going to be sad with my daughter going to a new school but she’s still young enough that I see her being able to adapt pretty easily. I just can’t stop thinking about leaving and doing what I need to do so that it happens this time. Even looking out the window makes me cringe because I’m tired of looking at the same stuff wondering if I’ll ever get to look at different scenery.

I spend a lot of time thinking about moving. I feel like I’ve become obsessed with figuring out what stuff to keep, what to sell, and what to give away. I think about how different housing is there and that there’s a lot of choices. I can’t find a decent place here to save my soul! I think about how different it would be to live in a place with a bunch of strangers instead of lots of people who don’t like me and are not shy about starting trouble with me. I am also wanting to leave so when BD is telling his girlfriends I’m stalking him, I know I’m hours away!

All I know is I’m beyond ready to get the fuck out of here. I know as long as we stay here, it’s always going to be like this. I’ve just spent too much time and too many holidays alone with my daughter to consider staying. I think it would be really good for my brother and my Mom too because then they would NEVER have to worry about being asked to babysit. I also wouldn’t have the worry about my Dad being around my kid and that’s a huge selling point for moving. I just want to know I’m leaving and start planning for it.

One of the things that I don’t want to deal with anymore is if I want to have a relationship with my Mom, I have to put up with my Dad. I don’t like him and I lost respect for him years ago. I don’t like feeling that if I need my Mom to babysit, he’s going to have to tag along. There’s been enough said that he should just know that he’s not going to be around my child but still tries to make it clear that he’s going to be around her whether I like it or not. I don’t appreciate ANYONE trying to make me feel like I don’t have any say when it comes to MY CHILD! I also think it’s bullshit that he helps make sure that my Mom doesn’t babysit too. I know a lot of it has to deal with the fact that he’s not to be around and he struggles to respect any boundaries. I think it’s bullshit that he’s just pushed that line time and time again! I also think it’s bullshit that if we are getting along than everything he’s done should be swept under the rug!

I can get along with people just fine but it doesn’t erase the past. I can put on a fake smile and pretend to like everyone because that’s part of being adult but I’m not going to willingly have a pedo around my daughter. My Mom knows what he’s done to us kids but it’s like she pretends that it didn’t happen. She failed at protecting us but I’m NOT GOING TO FAIL AT PROTECTING MY DAUGHTER! I don’t care if he gives me money or how nice he’s being for the day, it doesn’t erase his weird, creepy shit!

I think my whole world would be so different being in a place where I don’t have to question my daughter’s safety. I think my mental health would absolutely soar! Everyone I know where we would be moving is completely safe and I trust them with my child.