I'bin 'Drinkin in Current Events

I went to work in such a bad mood this morning. I was in poor me mode. I made it a point to not make it anyone else’s problem. I was taking everything personally which is always a mistake. It made the day long but once I was free I knew that the only thing that would make me feel better was to waste my time and money looking for things to put on my little Christmas tree. Toni, my roommate, put it up weeks ago and put lights on it and I see no signs that she intends to decorate it this year.

I was torn between a classic look for my Christmas tree or having a boho moment. $50 later I went for a boho aesthetic and I really like it. I know that Toni is going to like it also. I just finished putting it all on the tree. I also grabbed myself some whiskey while I was out and about. It hit the spot and then some.

When Curtis and Matthew came over to visit, they were gagged about my hair the whole evening. They haven’t seen me in over six years. The last time they saw me I had my long hair and I had my natural hair colour, coffee brown. It’s now short and silver. Well, platinum. Some parts will only do brass but I’m ethnic so whatever. I was very flattered by their awe factor. It’s been almost a year with it but there is no photo evidence because I finally have selfie control. When I start making content for the socials, I may lose all selfie control.

Speaking of self-control. It’s been over a week of #NoFap (no porn). I quit cigarettes, eggs, meat & dairy. I quit numerous habits and created a plethora of positive ones but the bane of my existence is pornography. I didn’t even realize that I was addicted until I tried to stop. For almost seven years now I’ve wanted to quit. I only watched it once a day. I didn’t think I was out of control. There are others worse off.

I am noticing some shifts within me as a result. Nothing I want to write about at this time. Only because I am trying to understand them myself.

After I had what normies call a cold, I knew that I was going to have a cognitive reset to some degree. I was very conscious of it and I chose to let go of porn. So far so good. I’m not falling for any of the thirst traps. If I get that full-time position that I applied for I am promising myself that I will start kickboxing classes. That is a better use of my energy.

I will be honest with myself about something, I cannot help but think of Chuck whenever I think of kickboxing. It makes me feel smitten but also like I have something to prove. Ever since I was honest that I have a slight crush on him, I stopped being shy around him. Absolutely nothing at all, ever, is going to come of this! He’s a married man.

[TMI Warning]
Am I ready for semen retention? Almost. I am working very hard to get the orgasm that I used to have before puberty. The orgasm that I used to have before I discovered how to… do it normally. Once I achieve that specific orgasm I will be able to have that orgasm without ejaculation. I will be able to have that one for as long as I want, just like the others. It’s the best one. It’s the only one where I see the colour red and blue. Those colours oscillate. I think in pictures, sorry if that sounds weirder than normal.

The goal is to add semen retention to my breathing-ritual (spiritual). When Spirit says to go left you to go left. I can’t ignore the signs and the signs tell me to quit porn. I will be punished for buying this alcohol but I’m not giving it up until after my birthday in a few weeks. Anyway, I can’t explain the relationship that I have with my higher self. That is also something that I am trying to understand.

My credit card is officially empty as of today. I am calling my bank tomorrow to apply for a credit line. I want to pay Bev back what I owe her and take my financial burden back. She promises that she isn’t feeling any type of way about it but I can’t help it. I’ve never had to ask for help from a friend, it feels good to be so close to returning it.

I think I’m about to be a rambling drunk so I should stop. I will take a shower after my drink here. I drink my whiskey straight and I forgot to eat supper so this hit me harder than it needed to. I need to shower really badly. I am rancid.