Godd***** in Thirty-Eight

Hey friends how are we all doing this Thursday morning. My sleep pattern has been so fucking erratic it’s not funny. Some days I’ll go to bed at 9:30, fall asleep by 10:30 and wake up around 9:30 the next morning. Others, I’m in bed at 10, stay awake until 4 or 5 am and get up at 9. Other nights I just don’t sleep.

I’m getting to the uncomfortable stage of my disease flaring. Next week when I see the dr, i’m going to ask for some tizanidine again, because that’s about the only thing that actively helps me sleep.

Anyway, so I’ve been irritated since yesterday. I posted my amazon wishlists in the previous entry, because someone in an entry from last week sometime had asked about them, so I posted them there.

Now I know this wasn’t someone from here. I don’t know if it was from FB or TT that someone actually ordered me stuff. It wasn’t anything that was actually on either of my lists, but similar stuff. Some canvasses, toilet paper, paint, air freshener and soap. So…yeah....

Uhmmm the reason the whole thing was upsetting was when I went to check the little slip that came with everything to see who it was from, the note said “A gift for you from God!!” and then it was “From: God”. Now....holy shit, this is angering.

So, I’ve been pretty open about my relationship with God, or lack thereof. I believe in God, I was raised catholic, etc. However I just don’t see the “miracles” God is supposed to provide because nothing has been miraculous about my life. So many people rely on god, lean on him and expect him to provide all of their needs. It doesn’t work that way for me.

I am the one who has gotten myself to where I am. I’m the one who has completed all the tasks to make sure I’ve survived this long. I’m the one going to drs. I’m the one creating art (that no one wants) and all of that stuff. God isn’t doing anything for me.

To me, God is there as a sense of security for some that “something may happen”. For that’s not a good enough reason to put all of my reliance on him. That’s like saying “oh the police were around here yesterday, so they might be here today when the person tries to break into my house.” No, I am here, I am the one that has to deal with the person breaking in, ya know?

On the off chance that prayers do work, that’s great! But I have had people continually praying for me for the last 20 years, and I’m still in this mess. So, remind me again, the “power of prayer”? Everyone prayed over my mom in her final moments. Did prayer help there? Nope. Same with my dad. Everyone prayed, but they both still died.

So yeah, that’s where I stand with all of that and that’s why it’s upsetting that someone would choose to weaponize God while trying to imply that I should be grateful for the things I get.

I 100% always appreciate everything that is sent my way. Stuff that I didn’t have before, bills that I can’t pay, etc. But it is absolutely disgusting to use God in that way. I posted a long thing on FB because I’m just tired of it. I basically said, God doesn’t provide material things, and he certainly doesn’t fucking shop on Amazon, so stop using god in this way to try and poke fun at me. It’s disrespectful to me that they continue to try and get me to see God in their light. blargh.

So yeah. Poker has been not feeling the best for the last few days. His eyes are all crusted over, I’ve been rinsing them with saline a few times a day and it seems to be working, but I need to get the Gel stuff we used for Dice’s eyes. Walmart doesn’t have it, so I’ll have to order it off of amazon sometime in the near future. It helped Dice so much, so I know it’ll help Poker.

He’s also not eating the hard food. He’s lost some weight (which was needed) and he’s still active and whatnot. A little more tired than normal, but he’s doing ok.

Shit always seems to pile up around this time of year. I don’t remember the last time I was able to actively celebrate my birthday on the 10th and then have a good Christmas in the same year.

Randy and I were talking about Birthdays and I was like hmmmm, I don’t believe I have ever had a birthday party. I was upset, because as usual, the $45 i got for my birthday immediately went to a bill or something we needed. I haven’t been able to use my birthday money for me in ages. Then we got discussing his b-day, etc and how he gets specific gift cards and blah blah blah. It came down to me telling him that maybe when i’m 40 (in two years), I can have a decent birthday. We did nothing on my b-day this year. Literally stayed in bed all day. He said he was going to make dinner for me, but I ended up falling asleep around 8:30…so that didn’t happen. A meal I don’t have to cook would be nice once in a while, but I do 99% of the cooking.

I had to wash all of our dishes in the shower yesterday. Well I got most of them done anyway. My eyes go fucking crossed when I think about how badly this house is falling apart. We can barely flush the toilet now, so I feel like there’s going to be a bucket in the greenhouse outside here pretty soon because we’ll have to rip the toilet out before it completely leaks everywhere.

Anywho, so I got a bunch of that stuff done. Only broke one bowl. Slipped out of my hand and shattered in the shower. so that was fun shit indeed.

What else to say. I suppose that is about it, for now. I may remember stuff later, but I can’t right now because my head hurts so fucking bad. One more week. Fingers crossed that I don’t remove my own head before then. haha.

Later, friends!

Last updated December 15, 2022