Snow day #3. in Since OD is shutting down....

There was going to be school today but about 5:45 I get the call that they’ve cancelled again due to blowing snow and hardly any visibility. I was really looking forward to running some errands and getting ready for Christmas break by being stocked up on food and stuff to bake and my counselor got my daughter a present so I was going to pick that up. I’m hoping there’s going to be school tomorrow so I can get some stuff done and a little break for myself. I am so tired of the snow and cold at this point.

I got a call this morning that definitely put some hope in my pocket. I applied for cash assistance on Monday and the lady called and we scheduled me an appointment for Tuesday at 10am. She was very nice, told me to save her number in my phone and to let her know if I need anything before the appointment and I can bring my daughter with me. I seriously told her that I appreciated her giving me some hope. She said for me to bring my DL, insurance, and registration for my car because they help with gas vouchers and she said I could probably just work from home for the time being.

I’m glad I got that phone call because it gives me something to look forward to on Tuesday. I’ll probably just give my kid my phone while I’m there because she said it’s going to be like an hour an a half. Not thrilled it’s going to take that long but I’m definitely excited to think about possibly working from home and not having to worry about childcare and being able to pick up my kid from school if she gets sick or there’s no after school program. I do hope that they would be able to find me childcare if and when the time comes. I’m going to make sure they understand I don’t trust anyone with my child so that’s part of my reasoning for not trying.

I told her that I just want to give my daughter the best life possible. It’s not my dream to work from home and all that but I won’t have to do it forever. My daughter is getting older. One thing I want is to be able to live in the present instead of thinking about when Christmas break is over and my daughter being old enough to be home alone. I want to enjoy right now. Being in survival mode for so long has definitely changed me. This phone call makes me feel like things are going to get better for us and hopefully improve my mental health.

Sometimes I think about my Mom talking about how it’s probably ‘nice’ for me to stay home all day by myself when I’ve told her that it’s made me super depressed and I want to live a normal life. I think she says this shit simply because she doesn’t want to ever watch my kid. I think my Mom is a very selfish person and because my Dad and little brother have made it pretty miserable for her to babysit. It’s always been all about them and they just don’t want my Mom to ever care about anyone else.

It’s hard to not get angry/depressed that I have no support system but I do think the state is going to be able to help me and I’m going to utilize the help. I remember when I was pregnant and SD said how I’m going to just be a white trash bitch living off welfare. Well it’s unfortunate when the Dad’s don’t help raise their kids and the Mom’s are pushed to make tough decisions such as applying for food stamps and I think it’s pretty evil to leave the Mom to ride the struggle bus because that means the kids are going to ride it as well. They won’t help but they don’t think the Mom should get help either. I will never understand this concept.

The wind is really blowing the snow around and it’s cold as crap again today. These cold dark days are starting to get to me. I really am hoping being able to go out tomorrow. I need to get her gift picked up by noon tomorrow. I really text my Mom and asked if she was going out today and she didn’t even ask why, probably terrified I might ask her to babysit. She is such a fucking joke.

I told the lady that no one wants to hire a single Mom nor do they want to hire anyone with small children. I went to the interview and I realize now that the question, “so can you tell us a little about yourself” isn’t super innocent, it’s actually a loaded question. Apparently if you say you have a small child that you are telling on yourself. I told my friend what happened and she said that in the future I need to leave out the part of me having a kid and just wait until I needed to call in or leave early because of my kid.

It’s a definite frustration having to worry about what I would do if I had a job and had to leave early because my daughter got sick at school, or if there’s no school that day, or there’s no after school program. I think it would be the best to work from home.

I’m concerned about the 17th and the 21st. I have appointments both days and even though Mom said she’d watch my kid, rarely does she ever follow through so I’ve posted an ad on Facebook and hopefully someone will help me out or I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do. This predicament has gotten pretty old at this point. It’s also bullshit that I’ve told my Mom about this for at least 2 months, I’ve sent her screenshots of the emails saying that I have signed my daughter up for this stuff and even though she’s said multiple time she’d watch her, I’m still having to stress about finding a babysitter.

Just like last month when she said a thousand times that she’d watch her so I could go to my appointments and I still had to take her with me because she didn’t show up. But has the audacity to text me and ask what I was doing?!?! Uh, did you forget that you were supposed to babysit? It was only talked about in every conversation for about 6 weeks prior but yet you still couldn’t handle showing up?! I just don’t know if it’s my Dad or what the hell but I’m only human and could use a helluva lot more help than what I have ever received!

I have also thought about the cash assistance program and realize that I probably won’t tell anyone around me that I’m going to start having income because then they’ll expect money. Everyone around me has contributed to me being in the situation I’m in because they refuse to be of any help so I am not going to hand out any fucking money. My parents have given me money for a few months but it doesn’t even make a fucking dent in the thousands I’ve helped them with in the past 15 years and I’m going to bank every dollar I can so that I am able to pay for car repairs and plan to move at some point. I’m not going to be even more stuck because I stupidly give them money!

My parents have always treated me like shit, have told me that I’m bi polar, have always made me feel like a burden so I am going to do what I need to do. I’m also pissed that not only is my Mom completely unreliable, but I have to worry about my Dad driving her and then him staying and being around my daughter. I am full prepared to tell him off the next time he thinks he’s going to invite himself to be around. There’s been more than enough conversations that he knows I’m not comfortable with him being around my child and I’m so sick of being a broken record about all of this and how I don’t feel like I’m being heard whatsoever. It’s like the more I reiterate that I don’t want him around, the more it falls on deaf ears.

I just messaged one of the toy drives that is happening on Saturday and they said we can bring our kids with us! I am so fucking happy that I don’t have to worry about it but now I’m trying to reach the other one to see if I can bring her with to that one as well and then the babysitter stress is over! I wish I would have thought to get a hold of these people at the beginning of this week because I would have saved myself a bunch of fucking stress. I just feel so betrayed by everyone and don’t enjoy the position I’m in.

The person who left me high and dry still isn’t being held accountable and at this point, I doubt he ever will. He doesn’t drive and no one around him really has vehicles. I don’t see him having contact with law enforcement and even if he does, there’s nothing saying they would arrest him. I am certain he quit his job because that girl probably bailed out and there’s no one around him to care if he’s working or paying child support so he isn’t going to ever pay until he’s picked up for his warrant. I think it’s bullshit that he owes almost 8K now and I have to go through hoops to get help from the state when he gets to sit back and do nothing!

He’s mentioned how I’ll be a white trash bitch living off welfare but he’s lived for free his entire life! He lives off his sister who doesn’t work and gets a shit load of food stamps because she has 3 kids. He has a bedroom and her kids don’t! He is sitting there eating food that’s for her kids and it doesn’t bother him at all! He thinks I should give him rides and feed him so he will see his child! When he does get a job, it’s just to manipulate everyone around him. I’m sure he got that job to impress the new supply so she’d move him in thinking she wouldn’t have to take care of him but the last time he lived off some bitch he didn’t pay a dime for the 3 years he lived off her because he was paying child support and didn’t even pay it the whole time he stayed at her house! These bitches think they are getting someone that’s ready to get their life together but he ain’t, never will be.

It’s just crazy someone can be this diabolical and deceptive. All these girls think he’s just this victim and blah blah blah but when you owe almost 8K in back child support, that should be a huge red flag. You don’t accumulate that much overnight or just within a few months. No, that’s a deadbeat going years without paying! Even if I was a prospective girlfriend and didn’t care about the kid or the baby Mom, I would certainly care that the guy is too lazy to hold down a fucking job and for years at a time!!

So we’ve had burritos for lunch and I did the dishes. I made a shopping list but I don’t know when we are going to get groceries because it’s looking like tomorrow is going to be a snow day as well! I’m getting frustrated being stuck in the house and we are running out of stuff. Completely out of bacon and I have 1 soda left. I also need to get paper towels and there’s a coffee creamer that I really want to try. I’m going crazy because we don’t have any chocolate and both my daughter and I are craving it so bad!!

So I’m able to take her with me to the toy drive on Saturday and my appointment on Tuesday morning at 10am. My next appointment is 10am on Wednesday and I can either take her with or her old daycare lady said she can come there so I’ll probably do that considering it will probably end up being the only break I get until the 3rd. It sucks that I have to go through all this because everyone is of no help but I think it’s for the best because once I start having an income, I don’t have to feel guilty keeping all of my money in my bank account either.

It’s just crazy how shitty people can be and they still care how you feel about them. Like when my Mom didn’t babysit last month but was worried I was mad at her. Like what the fuck is wrong with you? I just lose more and more respect every time you don’t keep your word. I can honestly say I think really terrible thoughts about my parents and truly hope bad things for them, even when they are being nice, helpful, or have given me money. I think they’ve just done so much damage that I will never forgive them and then turn around and do more. I can tell my Mom doesn’t think it’s a bid deal for her to not show up for my daughter but it is because it puts me in a serious bind. Also, my daughter doesn’t care if she shows up or not anymore.

I’m really looking forward to my appointment on Tuesday and see how they can help me with a job and having childcare if I need it. I just think it’s crap that if you need childcare assistance that you have to pay it for a year and now that my daughter is in school, I wouldn’t need it but once in a while and it’s also hard finding drop in care that’s affordable. The lady made it sound like my biggest issue is childcare and if anything, I can just work from home. I wonder if I would get the cash assistance and get paid for working.

It sounds like I would be able to get the help and then if he paid child support, it would go to the arrears but he would still be responsible for the current. I’m confused on how it all works and I’m going to ask at my appointment. I’m never going to see a dime of the arrears anyway but it would be nice to know that he would have to pay current support every month. I do know that they are more aggressive in collecting on the child support if I were to receive assistance. I doubt he’s ever going to pay until he’s forced but at least in the mean time, I would have money coming in and be able to start planning to move and have an income.

I am going to mention him threatening me and I’d love to find a new place to live. I seriously just want a new start and have a clean slate. The place I want to move to is looking to start an after school program so it makes me want to move there still. I’m just worried about moving 6 hours away and go from the frying pan into the fire because at least here I do have her old daycare lady to help if I need it. With moving there, I worry how that could turn out because my friend and I have had a lot of issues.