Over in Thirty-Eight

this year, it’s three weeks away from being done and those three weeks are going to be the death of me.

I am tired of everything. We luckily don’t have anywhere to go for the forseeable future so the fact that we have one tick on our gas tank is really no problem. Randy will get a ride to Las Cruces again in a couple weeks for his pain management appointment.

I have my appointment with my primary care dr then and I hope I can get shit going asap with all of my drs.

I got a 24 hour ban the other day, on my birthday of all days. I couldn’t sleep the night before just thinking about how every year my birthday is crap. My last good birthday was 2011. I have had to use birthday money, if I get any, for bills every single year. Christmas money goes to the same place so nothing feels festive or joyful about this season.

We’ll get a few things, but nothing that we need.

It’s crazy that people will ask you “What do you need?” and then totally ignore everything that we actually need and get us what they want.

I don’t need another small appliance. I don’t need food money (we get EBT) and I don’t need a fucking pair of mittens.

I had someone in my comments ask about wishlists, and I’ve posted them before, but here are my three.

Necessities (cleaning supplies, hygiene needs, etc)
https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/XZ9V96N2ACC1?ref_=wl_share

Christmas list (things we want)
https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2TUEYLJAAWMJA?ref_=wl_share

Contribution list (can donate any $$ amount to the total cost of the item)
https://www.amazon.com/wedding/share/peebles

So there are those. The necessities is obviously our priority. As is the contribution one.

I know why I can’t sell food out of my house, because my kitchen is a disaster. I’ll be washing all my dishes in the shower this afternoon. My shower has now become that, along with the laundry room/washing machine, and now it’ll be a dishwashing station.

My brain is beyond fried these days. I just want to cry at every little thing. My heart hurts so much and I don’t want to be here, but I have nowhere else to be again. I’m considering telling Randy to have his dad give him gas money and for him to go to Tucson for Christmas by himself and I’ll stay home.

I really just don’t want to deal with anyone this year. I’d very much rather be alone. I’m a miserable cunt right now and who wants to deal with that?? I spent the last of our money buying insulin for Dice and putting $5 worth of gas in the car so I can have enough gas to get to Silver (15ish miles) for my dr. appointment on the 22nd. I cannot miss that.

Randy had to reschedule his dr. appointment, coincidentally for the 22nd also, in Las Cruces. So he’ll get a ride to that and I will go to my appointment in Silver.

I just need to make it to the first of the year. I thought Allsup had outright agreed to take Randy’s disability case, but apparently they are just making their decision. I have a feeling they will say no again. Then we won’t ever hear about it because He won’t do anything about it after they tell him no.

I’m continuing to bite my tongue on a lot of things because I know they will just cause more problems if I bring them up. I told him yesterday that it SUCKS having to use MY birthday money for bills every year. I told him that I never get to use my birthday money for myself. He started to say something and I was like “You always ask for gift cards to specific places, so you never have to worry about that.” and he complained that “all I got this year was my mom coming to town”. Yeah! At least you have parents to still celebrate with.

Didn’t mention the effort I put into the picnic or any of that. He seemed miserable the entire time we were out there. I know he was in pain, but goddammit, I am in pain 24 fucking 7 and I still went out of my way to do something. No effort is ever put into my birthday. EVER. Because it’s “so close to christmas” that we have to save it for Christmas.

I’m going to paint him his painting and tell him it’s his birthday present as well (his b-day is in July). I doubt he will be happy. But oh fucking well. He can deal just like I do. every. single. year.

I don’t think Poker has been eating. I haven’t seen him eat any of the dry food I provide. So I’ve been trying to get some canned food, hopefully that will get him to eat. He has been losing weight, which is good and also not great, since I haven’t seen him eat any food. But he isn’t lethargic, he’s tired, but not to the point where Dice was when he started getting sick.

He can still get up, go outside, go to the bathroom. We had to carry Dice outside to do all that. He does eat, just not the dry food. So I’ve been giving him some raw ground beef, some pumpkin with rice and yogurt, some cheese and a few things here and there. I gotta go pick up some canned food from a neighbor here in a minute. I was going to buy some yesterday, but once everything was said and done I had $9 left.

This was after depositing a $20 check from my MIL and getting $25 in cash from my Ninos. It’s like the money comes in and immediately goes right out.

Hopefully January will be a little easier, but I don’t think it actually will. As pessimistic as I have always been, I always have that little bit of hope that things will work out. That tiny bit of hope is what keeps me disappointed all the time. I don’t know why I don’t just give up already.

Like I said, I’m a miserable fucking cunt, so I completely understand if you all cut me off the way others have. I won’t be mad, I’ll be fine.

Last updated December 15, 2022