Headed in Thirty-Seven

It’s 3:02 am and I can’t sleep because my head has been fucking killing me for (26 years) the last week or so. It feels like i have a cap on that has spikes on it and it’s turned inside out. My face will get hot for a few hours a day and its just fucking miserable.

I finally get to see a new PCP on December 22nd. I made that appointment on November 7th. Healthcare in NM is a fucking joke. It’s even worse here in Grant County.

Anywho, so things are pretty good here. I mean, well, as good as they can be. I got paid today, and as usual, we have like $20 left for the rest of December after paying all the bills. But at least the bills are paid I suppose.

I get a raise next month. Hopefully it’ll help a little bit.

On top of that, as well, Randy finally got Allsup to take his case. They are the company that helped me get my disability. Hopefully it doesn’t take almost 3 years like mine did, but alas, at least they are working on it. He has his intake interview on the 6th. For me, that was a 2 hour phone call.

What else has happened since I last wrote nearly a month ago. Well a lot of course. Lets see....

For our anniversary, we didn’t do any of the things we planned because we didn’t have the means to do so. We had planned to go camping for like three days. But that plan went out the window when I paid all the bills on the 3rd and we had like $60 left. So we planned to just go up to the hot springs for the day. It’s $7 a pop for 2 hours in the hot springs.

Something else came up and we ended up having $13 left. So that went out the window.

We had a lot of stuff going on that day for some reason, and I can’t even remember what it was, but I know it was busy. So we planned to make Chicken Picatta for dinner. I had put some water to boil for the pasta and Randy had taken the dogs outside, when he found another dog in our yard.

He shooed the dog out and then realized that they had a line attached to their collar as they ran off down the street (we have so many loose dogs in this town it’s ridiculous). So once we got the dogs back inside, we went down the street and found the dog, asked a couple neighbors if they know where the dog belonged, and they didn’t (no info on the tag), so we held them here for a bit but Dice wasn’t having it.

So I called central dispatch and had to drive to Silver to the Humane Society to meet the sheriff there to drop off the dog. Luckily, the dog was returned to it’s owner the following day. By the time I got home from that, it was like 8:30 and I hadn’t gotten dinner even started.

But I made dinner anyway, and we ate at 10 PM. I went to wash some dishes and my hot water faucet refused to shut off. It hadn’t been shutting off all the way for years now, like the faucets are closed and it still runs a steady stream, but the hot water faucet was just spinning, so I thought I was going to have to call the PD to have them come turn my water off completely (the shutoff valve in our yard is non functional) but I was able to jam the faucet down and shut it off. So now we only have cold water in the sink.

Anyway, so dinner was delicious, because I know how to cook lol.

Uhmmm so that was that. A few days later, we needed groceries, but had 4 miles worth of gas left in our tank, so I was looking around to see if someone could do a grocery pickup for us. I had found someone, but then a couple friends tossed us some cash for gas, so we were able to go into town and get our groceries.

Found out around then that Randy’s supposed “bestie” had dropped him like a bad habit. She deleted me, which I couldn’t care less about, but I asked him if he had been deleted too, which he had.

So he reached out to her Husband and he said that her dr was concerned with her blood pressure and advised her to get rid of stress in her life as best as she could. to reduce the “doom and gloom” that she experiences. So her way of doing that was to delete us both. Without any explanation or saying “hey this is whats going on”.

He was hurt, I was pissed. Not so much that she deleted me, because like I said, I couldn’t give two shits, but because she did that to him. Then her husband blocked Randy too. So I deleted him and her cousin too, because I just am not interested in associating with that type of people.

We were kind of already planning at that point to just stay home for Thanksgiving because of the gas money situation, but Randy’s aunt gave us some cash for gas to get us to Tucson. So that was good.

Thanksgiving was decent. Then MIL threw a hissy fit at the end of dinner because the kids were playing around in the living room, pillow fighting, and she was losing her goddamn mind. She started yelling at them to go play in another room and everyone was like WHAT other room? This is the biggest open space for them to play in, they’re kids!

Now, Randy had told her on our way there, that we were going to leave if HE needed to leave. He’s switching his anti-depressants so he’s not exactly been in the greatest mindset. He wasn’t sure how it was going to go, but he was doing good. So finally someone told MIL that they were just being kids, they weren’t hurting anyone, just playing around. Well she didn’t like that.

Randy was enjoying himself, spending time with his family, so he was fine being there. Well she walks up to him and is like “CAN WE GO?!” and he looked her dead in the face and said “No, I’m not ready to go yet.”

She fucking grabbed her shit and went and sat in the car. This was around 6:30PM. We had eaten dinner at 5.

So she sat in the car and waited. We watched the rest of the football game and hung out. We even went outside to smoke with Jenny, Rob and Derris, and she had moved her car to the front of the house. Well we were standing there and she turns her headlights on, like WTF??

So we just went back inside lol. BIL and SIL left before we did, so Randy asked him to take her home. We stayed there until like 10 I think. She was surprisingly over it by the time we got back to her house. She brought it up once, saying something like “MY generation would have never acted like that.” but I shut her down by saying “This is not YOUR generation.”

Otherwise, the trip was good. Friday we went and got a few things from Sprouts (since our nearest one is 1.5 hours away) and then went back to the house to get our stuff and the dogs so we could leave.

As we’re leaving, MIL was taking some trash to the dumpster for us so we would have to get out of the car again as we were leaving, and she comes right back to the car to say “SOMEONE STOLE MY HUBCAPS!” Randy was like WTF Mom??

So he went to check. Turns out two of her rims were bent, meaning the hubcaps probably popped off at one point while she was driving after she hit something. We had hit a hard bump the night before on the way home, but the way the rims were bent wasn’t indicative that we had done it. So he told her you need to be careful when driving and she was just like blah! OMG

So anywho, we came home that night, which was good. Uhmmm yeah. We haven’t done much else since then really. I painted something new, which I’m trying to sell, and as usual, getting crickets on my posts. So I doubt that’ll happen.

We unfortunately lost Fievel yesterday. When I got up in the morning, he jumped into my hands, and I noticed he hadn’t really moved in a couple days because he was really dirty. So I cleaned him up a bit and put him back into the cage and got them some coconut milk. He drank a little bit and then went and laid in a hammock.

I had been asked by one of my best friends if I could watch her mom’s cat while she went and visited her other daughter. She had given us $40 for that, so I was able to finally go to the laundromat and wash most of our clothes. It had been a couple months since I was able to do that. I had been handwashing like 5 or 6 different outfits for the last month and my hands, back and arms were not liking it.

Well I had told Randy to watch Fievel throughout the day, which he did.

Well I got home from doing laundry and I was sitting in the living room and all of a sudden I hear “FIEVEL! NO!!!” and it took me 5 seconds to get into the bedroom and Randy had him and he was seizing. He had a heart attack. Which we unfortunately knew was coming. We had tried treating him with antibiotics for a respiratory infection and it didn’t do him any good. So we knew it was a heart problem. My poor Fievel. I am surprised he lasted as long as he did.

Randy was devastated. He bawled for 45 minutes. He, along with Rizzo, were Randy’s Emotional Support Animals. Rizzo is still with us, he’s starting to show signs of hind leg degeneration, which there’s not much that we can do for that, other than make it so he can get around the cage better. But yeah we’ll see how much longer he is with us. He is very healthy otherwise, not showing any signs of illness. Just losing his back legs.

The other 6 are doing well too, so while it sucks losing Fievel, we still have 8 healthy rattos to love on. It’s just always super weird not seeing that one extra face. Rest in peace Fives, you were such a good rattie.

I got paid today (yesterday by the point), and we are already down to like $20 left for the rest of the month. It’s the norm, but goddamn if it doesn’t suck every fucking month.

As usual, Christmas is going to be a non-event for us again this year. One year, in the distant future, we’ll be able to have a Christmas again.

Uhmmm so yeah. One of my cousins is going to help us with cat food, and I gotta somehow figure out how to get some litter. I’ll figure that out tomorrow though. blargh. I’m supposed to go to the pet food pantry, but they start at 11 and I doubt I’ll be awake by that time (i’ll most likely get to sleep around 7 or 8am).

We always get asked what we want or need for Christmas. Every year we put out a list of things we need, either from Amazon or Walmart. But somehow that’s not what people mean when they ask us what we want or need. At least for the people that are asking us, they just seem to ignore the fact that we are telling them exactly what we want or need, and it’s like “oh no I’m not going to get you that, but here’s something completely irrelevant to what you want or need.”

This year, I’ve asked for cleaning supplies (trash bags, dish soap etc), hygiene products, hair products, makeup, and a few other items that would be nice to have. I also posted that my birthday is December 10th and this is what I could use, and most of those things are the same.

I haven’t bought any new makeup since like March. I don’t have dry shampoo, hairspray, etc. We rand out of trash bags a month ago. I wish there were people who did giveaways for houses. But alas, that doesn’t happen. If there is a house involved, you generally have to pay $25-$100 to enter that raffle or giveaway. So yeah, nothing like that.

Aside from the kitchen faucet being broken, the stopper flap in our toilet broke, so we have to remove the tank lid and put the flap back in place every time we flush it now. Plus the wax seal is busted and the floor around the toilet is soaked. The toilet is as old as this house.

Everything is just fucked, and as usual, we have no end in sight. Hopefully with Randy’s history and whatnot they can get his disability sorted soon. But, I don’t see that happening for another couple years.

I’m at a point where I just want to disappear and see who notices. I’m positive there are people out there, family and friends, who wish I’d just go away. Which, I completely understand. I wish I could just go away sometimes. But I still have to deal with me. And I don’t want to have to do that alone. Am I prepared to do it alone (well, with Randy obviously)? Yes, absolutely. Do I want to, no.

I put up a post about my upcoming birthday saying I take all forms of Food, Coffee, Nail stuff, Vape stuff, marijuana, and of course, food lol.

One of my FB friends made an angry reaction to it like they’ve ever been someone to offer a helping hand to me. It’s always been condescension from them. But you know, I’m the idiot here, ALWAYS asking for something.

I do ask for stuff when I need it, and 98% of the time, I don’t get anything.

It bugs the shit out of me that I’ve done the work to get the shit I needed and always come up short. Like far beyond short. But yet people don’t, or won’t, see that. They just see me asking for help and snarl at me for doing so.

I told Randy that once things are good for us, i. e. once he gets his disability, we’re going to disappear for a long time. Because we need that peace finally. Like, holy shit, do we need that peace. Our lives together have been nothing but a downward spiral. I feel like Loki, “I HAVE BEEN FALLING FOR 30 MINUTES!” but more like 30 years.

I was bawling the other day. Sobbing so hard, it made my back sore the next day. I have had 11 years of my life where I wasn’t in constant pain. I’ll be 40 in 2 years. Nobody can understand that. I’ve been in pain for 3/4 of my life. But everyone looks at me and says “oh you’re still living and breathing so you’re FINE!” Yeah but some days, most days, I struggle to breathe at all.

Most people laugh at my art. Which is fine. I’m a damn good artist, and I know this. But people will mock you anyway for trying to do something that makes you happy, because THEY don’t find what you’re doing important.

I’ve always said that my work gets scoffed at because I am doing it for me, and I’m not working for someone. I’ve had people tell me that straight up. Your “art” isn’t work, go find a real job. And it’s always the fucking MLM huns. I’m sorry, not sorry, that I don’t want to waste my money on something that EVERYONE else and their fucking mother is doing. Plus, I’m not a salesman.

Anyway, the weekend is here. I don’t think anything is going on this next week and the rest of the month is already done for, as I said. So yeah, I’ll probably be back at the beginning of the year, but who knows. I think I’m going to give everyone what they want and take 2023 off of FB and limit my communication with most people next year. I’m sure everyone will be happy to see me go.

Have a good weekend. We’ll see what horrors the rest of the year has in store for us.