Who wants this? in Journal

Not the first time I’ve contemplated the possibility that my mom wants for me to get away.
I almost buy the idea that she is rooting for my freedom. Because of her over the top sympathy, her vicious and malicious attacks, her ridiculous letters she sends on her birthday. I don’t know how else to describe it. If she wanted to prove to me that she’s unreasonable, irrational, dangerous, and has no intention of changing, idk if she could do a better job of it.
Mom informed me that grandma(her mom) is dying in hospice. She suggested grandma wants to see me before she dies.
I keep asking myself if I want to see her. And… I’m not sure I know the answer. I know that I won’t. Someone pointed out that choosing not to is the same as not wanting to.
But I’m not so sure.
I get that from an empirical standpoint. From objective behavior, I don’t want to. But I don’t suppose that is the only layer. Part of me wants to. And other parts don’t. The action that I strive for is based first on the principle of what’s best for my children. So I don’t go. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.
And I think that’s important.

There’s a weird dynamic here. Mom is, maybe, capable of assuming responsibility for her choices and how they affect me. At least going forward. She refuses to, but I think the possibility is there.
But I think that possibility will disappear forever if grandma dies without ever acknowledging to mom the awful choices she made.
But I realize now that’s passing the buck. That’s taking away mom’s free will. It’s denying her choice to avoid this- the truth she’s avoided her entire life. Why do I only now cling to the idea that there is a quickly fading chance for redemption? Who does this idea benefit? Who wants me to idealize the redemption possibility of my mother, just as my mother idealizes hers?
Well it’s grandma and mom. They both benefit according to their belief system.

I, like everyone in existence, am tempted to engage with my mom on the level that she presents. But that is the sure path to destruction. Rather, if I hope to remain true to my principles of self sovereignty, personal responsibility, etc, I must only engage on that level. I cannot take away the consequences of her choices to remain in vacant ignorant avoidance of her mother’s evil. If I respond in any way to support her insane denial, I am just an enabler.
I don’t know how much my mom wants me to get away after all. If she wanted me to get away, the temptation to idealize her by falling into that denial of responsibility trap would not be so alluring. It wouldn’t be posed continuously and I wouldn’t be shamed and guilted for refusing it. She does want this. She is still pursuing her own agenda. It’s never about me- she is a narcissist after all.