Dream, Dream, Dream in Current Events

Curious, I had a dream I hadn’t had in a long time. I dreamt that I lived in my childhood house with my siblings again. We were all the age we are now. I don’t remember any of the storylines. At one point I was walking around the block with some friends, the cast of Euphoria when I realized that I was late for a 2:30 pm class. Then I woke up.

All of my dreams with my family take place in that house. My most reoccurring dream, however, was going back to school. Not just any school, but the school I went to which was down the block. In those dreams, I would be my current age walking down those halls. Those dreams were more like nightmares because my social anxiety was always intense. English does not have the requisite words that I need to describe how painful and intense my social anxiety was. Every single day felt like the first day of school. My mother had to fight with me to go. She had to hire someone to walk me to class, literally. I spent many nights wishing that I wouldn’t wake up. I wouldn’t even sleep because the faster I went to sleep the faster class was the next day.

A few years ago, I had a disturbing meditating experience. I really wanted to understand where my social anxiety was coming from. I was begging my mind to show me, I didn’t want to run away from it any longer. Then I had a moment where I felt like I fell into a sunken place. Before I could see anything I heard the sound of chalk writing on a chalkboard, sneakers squeaking on the floor in a gym, and a band practicing in a band room far off in the distance. I could smell pencils, erasers, and books. Everything went bright and when it came into focus I was standing in the hallway of my school. I could hear the sound of other students scrambling between classes but I could not see them. I was absolutely alone. Like a ghost. I was standing in front of a door, afraid to open it. My social anxiety flared up and when I came to I was able to trace what my thoughts were.

I’ve come a long way since then with my social anxiety. I’m even back in school—high school no less. The same division even. Working on my prerequisites. From that meditation, I discovered where that anxiety came from. For the most part. I grew up feeling like something was wrong with me. Learning about predators after the fact made me an angry kid. I was in and out of counselling between the ages of 8 - 18. I also never applied myself in school because I was taught that native kids grow up with nobody wanting to hire them and things like that. Systemic racism, etc. Woke supremacy was mild back in my day. It’s on steroids now. How many kids out there are not going to apply themselves because they are being told that no matter what they do they will not be able to create opportunities for themselves because their ethnicity/melanin is a disability? Teaching that to kids is the systemic racism. Kids are learning helplessness to make them dependent on the system. This system is using the same tools as a narcissist. My social anxiety also comes from my gay voice. Self-explanatory that one is.

On the topic of woke supremacy and how inverted their systemic racism is, we can see that people of colour are disproportionately resisting arrest. We are being told that we are being hunted down by police and that there will be violence, always. This leads to more people resisting arrest which is dangerous. How can no one else see this correlation? Mind you, I have experienced negative encounters with police but I can’t say that my experience was due to my ethnicity. Those officers are private contractors, they’re made dumb on purpose to bully us into contracting with this foreign system.

Anyway, my social anxiety is internalized racism and internalized homophobia and internalized victimhood and it is not my fault but it is my responsibility. We are all response-able. The mistakes I made were:
a.) Believing that rhetoric and using it to influence my choices.
b.) Creating false identities based on ethnicity and attractions.
c.) Using trauma as an excuse to make poor choices.

The nature of human desire is expansion. We all want to expand. We want to expand into relationships, careers, bank accounts, this, that and the other thing. However, we are insatiable because we are not expanding inward. We are also expanding into things that do not exist in reality. It’s all idolatry. They’re false idols that we are worshipping. That we are trying to expand into. My “spiritual” journey has me separating myself from them. I can participate but I don’t let myself belong to them. I am not a gender, I have a gender. I am not my attractions, I have attractions. I am not my ethnicity, I have an ethnicity. I am not a caste, creed, nation, legacy, etc. I’m just an individual consciousness having a temporary human experience. I’m not even that, I’m a single consciousness pretending to be individuals.

To get to god I have to get to reality. This is where I would appear out of touch with reality to most people but my charisma makes me captivating enough, for the most part. Some individuals are pure NPCs, they’re a slave to their body machine and its software program. I’m a threat to them. Their brains, their ego, does not want to create new belief structures.

Genesis (Gene Isis) 32:30 And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: for I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved. Jacobs ladder is the spine, and Peniel is the pineal gland. That is where you find god. We are all the great I am. Everything is God experiencing itself the way everything in our dreams is our consciousness experiencing itself. Currently, my inner guidance is telling me to take the spiritual process seriously. I have the gist of what I need to do.

Around this time last year, I became very ill. Well, my body was healing and I didn’t take anything for it because germs don’t cause disease so I supported my symptoms instead. If I took anything then my body would have to recover twice. It was a rough ride but I knew it was worth the pain. However, I came out of that feeling like I had hit a reset button. I was able to connect to things that I wasn’t able to connect to since my “spiritual” journey started. One does not simply let go of their identities and connect to people, places and things the same way. I had imposter syndrome for a few years which ended this time last year. I came back down to earth, so to speak. I was listening to music again and got my hair did, cut and coloured. Put an effort into my appearance again. Started going out with friends more often and talked about regular things.

Every time my body expressed healing, removed waste and repaired damage, I would feel like a different man. I just got over a cold and I don’t feel like the same man that I was just weeks ago. For starters, my libido is tame. It was behind the wheel in a lot of ways. My inner guidance wants me to #NoFap, and quit my porn addiction once and for all. My inner guidance wants me to practice semen retention. Do I have to say goodbye to orgasms? [TMI Warning] No, I can have neverending multiple ones without ejaculation. My inner guidance wants me to eat an electrical, alkaline, vegan diet and do more fasting. There is more but these are the big ones. I keep picturing my spine lit up like a Christmas tree. That happens to be exactly what Christmas is celebrating.

I don’t think English has the requisite words to adequately describe how my inner guidance communicates. I feel like I need a shaman, a guru, a priest, a lightworker, to interpret everything around me. The coincidences, my dreams, the synchronicities. I am doing that work for myself but my inner guidance wants me to learn to read the stars, the word of God. Astro logos, astrology. To use that and tarot to gain wisdom, not to create influence.

I call myself a modern heretic. A heretic is somebody who believes differently. Today they call heretics conspiracy theorists. Blasphemy is called misinformation. People cannot see that they are idolaters. I understand, I’ve been there. I also call myself a modern philosopher because I am just a product of the times and I like to talk about what I’m witnessing in the world around me. In 5-6 years, should my career path succeed, I will be a holistic doctor, a naturopath and apothecary and a life coach. Also an astrologer/tarot card reader. I want to bring that education and esoteric wisdom to the masses, to those who can listen. A shaman of the times. However, I’ll have to contend with the demons of this world, the devil worshippers, they hate truth. They hate god. They want to commit to identifying with their body machine and its software programs. Self-service is demon worship. The devil is the carnal mind. To serve god we need only serve others.

I have a lot of ambitions, yes. I want to get that doctorate in terrain theory, and start a practice with other holistic practitioners from various fields. I want to start an LLC that teaches terrain theory in schools, on the streets, to elders, knowledge keepers and healers in indigenous communities to return the healing modalities that were stolen from them. That LLC will own my business, my house, and everything so I can be sheltered from paying taxes. I want my business to be a PMA, a private members association, to shelter myself from public policy. Members will only have to pay 1 cent. I know what this system is, it isn’t ours. It’s actually a great system if we learn how to operate our person (strawman) and get these corporations to stop double-dipping. We’ll see what comes of this system by then. It’s hanging in the balance. It’s currently no longer owned by the creditors. Anyway! If I get that full-time position that I applied for I am going to get whole life insurance. I will take policy loans from it and be my own bank. That will come in handy when the time comes to source my post-secondary education. In theory.

I do all of this for my loved ones. I am self-centred because I understand that the most important person in a crisis is oneself. I build myself to be strong enough for others. I appear cold and emotionally closed off to a lot of people because I draw hard boundaries against codependent people. They’re parasitic. Not everyone failing at life is a victim. They just suck at life and health. They have weak characters and make bad choices. I only let people in who have the capacity to create change within themselves. That is the energy I want to be around. I want to help and support people like that. Like, why would I want to be surrounded by cluster B’s? Why would I want to be trying to help people who just suck the life out of you by always dragging you into their drama and their shit? I’m not a Virgo. To be fair, this lesson I had to learn the hard way.

Anyway, I want to write about another reoccurring dream I used to have. It would start with me running. It would always be in a different setting. The streets, the woods, wherever else. I would then drop to all fours and dig my hands into the earth and throw it behind me to gain speed. Then I would leap into the air where I would soar across houses until I would crash down to earth and wake up. The last dream I had of this was the night my friend passed away when I was in high school. She was a healer, she was a light in the world. The world is darker without her and I wanted to fill that void for our friends. I came out of my shell that day when passed away and I brought us all together one last time. One of us refused to associate with the rest of us, just me.

My dream started with me in the woods, running. It was dark but the full moon made it easier to see. I went on all fours, tossed the earth behind me and then leaped. I was soaring across a lake. The lake where my bible camp was. This time I was actually flying. I looked below me and saw my reflection in the water. Behind me was the full moon. I could see that I had three sets of tattered and torn wings carrying me in the air. I watched my feathers slowly peel off until I was no longer able to glide in the air. I crashed down into the lake. This is where I would usually wake up but I didn’t crash into solid ground. It was a body of water and my wings got tangled in the seaweed. I was drowning. I started to rip my wings off until I was able to swim to the surface as fast as I could. Just as I broke the surface I woke up gasping for air. That was the last time I had that dream.

While I’m being weird and existential. I have this residual memory, kind of like muscle memory. Ever since I was a kid. I could feel an energy in my hands. When I watch the Marvel character Scarlet Witch it brings it up. Her hands will light up and she can manipulate things around her. The energy I picture is white light. It isn’t fluid and it doesn’t move and flow the way it does with Scarlet Witch. It just looks like it’s reflecting off a surface, almost like an orb with a faint rainbow at the end. There is one in each hand and they feel like two opposite ends of a magnet. It’s like I can squeeze both ends to manipulate things around me but only within a sphere, my sphere. This works in the alternate physics I am learning. Matter is light slowed down. It’s a torus field, which is magnetism, electricity and dielectric. Our consciousness, or soul, is a torus field. It has no conditions in counter-space and god gave us the ether, theatre. A place with conditions so that we can have experiences and grow here. We cannot expand in counter space. The more we expand here, in the lowest form of creation, the more the universe gets to expand. God gets to expand. Blah, weirdo alert.

Whatever, I rambled enough. I have to move on with my day. I need to study, I need to do my usual things. I am going to fast until tomorrow, I hope. I need to write down that action plan already. I need to create changes in a few areas to support my goals. Blah blah blah. Also! I was right about my roommate in my previous entry. She did not cook for herself yesterday. I suspect she waited for me to do it but I didn’t. I ate all three meals in one sitting. She finished off two bags of chips and the ice cream because she is 36 and turning 17 next year. She’s up now, she’s going to continue to be useless. I’ll continue to enable it and let myself be used and taken advantage of.