Random Diatribes and Tangents in Current Events

It’s been ages since I vented on PB about how useless my roommate is around the apartment. Then about how useless she is to everyone else especially to herself.

Ok, I only do it once a week if not every single entry. I let it get to me today. She isn’t drinking, at least. She’s just been laying around all day doing fuck all while I do everything. I did a 24 hour fast which means I didn’t cook for her. She finished off a bag of chips and a pack of Oreos. I buy her cans of soup and things like that for lazy days and she can’t even be bothered to heat that up for herself. I live with an absolute child. I don’t think I can enable this for much longer. It’s not going to be pretty if I let it explode out of me.

I broke my fast with a big meal and packed the rest up for my lunches next week. She’ll eat the rest of the chips and have cereal for supper. We are both turning 37 next year. Like, come on! I better get that full-time position because then I can afford to live on my own and I won’t have to feel trapped and stuck with her.

Ok, yes. I know she is fighting her own battles and I don’t want her to come home and feel like she has to fight a battle with me. I could absolutely step up and get more involved in trying to help her… but toxic codependent people are parasitic. I don’t need her shit sucking the life out of me. The world doesn’t owe anyone that. They’re covert narcissists. That is exactly what she is waiting for. She feels lonely because nobody is coming to parent her. She can’t even sooth herself when she’s upset. She has to throw a pity party and drink alone in her room. She tried to get me to watch euphoria recently, like… those shouldn’t be a real world way to handle problems. She’s knows that right? Those characters are all absolute trash. They’re weak, they make bad choices.

Today wasn’t too special. I didn’t end up reflecting about myself and working on an action plan to restructure my habits. Maybe I’ll do that after this entry. I just feel like I am hiding in my room to avoid seeing the lazy cow. Again, at least she’s not drinking.

I think I’m extra miserable today because my shoulder hurts, like a lot. Right where I broke it a million years ago. Almost 30 years to be exact. It didn’t set right and ever since I started doing body weight exercises it’s been fucked. I have a high tolerance for pain so I push through it which makes it worse, I know. I see my friends next weekend, I’ll talk to Carly about it. She treats athletes for things like this.

I tried on the clothes I bought from ASOS today. I look great in them, but then I had little existential crisis about it anyway. I dress down everywhere I go. Back when I had the eating disorder that went unchecked, I was dressed for the gods. I want to be that bitch again. I can see that I am building my wardrobe to serve looks, might as well just go for it. It’s like, out of nowhere I wanted to fade into the background and be a ghost again. The last several years I had died inside a hundred times but that’s just Scorpio things.

In 2023 Taurus is the main character. My rising is Taurus, I better get to ride that wave. (My big six are Capricorn/Taurus/Scorpio). My roommate is a Taurus but she’s succumbed to all of the negative aspects and will not change. Ever. She is inflexible beyond repair. The rest of us are growing up and she is 26 turning 17. She’s going to die bald with a rotten liver! Man, it’s so hard to witness herself live like this. She has alopecia because her liver is giving up. That is an autoimmune disease that she earned. Maybe I should say something, she needs an intervention. She is my friend and I do love her but I am not a coddler or enabler. My ways are misunderstood.

Anyway, why can’t I think about normal things? I was out there in public doing normal public things but my inner monologue is like:

When spirit says go left, I need to go left. Stop ignoring the call.
I only want to serve god and the truth. To serve god I need only serve others.
We are all the great I am.*

There are no coincidences and I read into everything and try to see how it all adds up. Interpret my inner guidance, so to speak. I’m gearing up to start making content for the socials. Not 100% how that is going to look just yet. I want it compartmented. Politics, religion, medical. My brand is that I am a heretic of the times. A philosopher, I am a product of the times and I’m just witnessing the world around me. I see things far differently than most because I am no longer an idolater, for starters.

So I’m looking around and taking notes of other content creators. People need information fast, spoon fed to them at an eighth grade level, in 3 minute segments and even that’s too long, in under 300 characters or less and/or in a meme. I think I can fulfill that order. It’s going to be a rough start but whatever. Maybe it will go somewhere maybe it won’t. The goal is not to teach, I can lead a horse to water but I can’t make him drink it. I can tell a person the truth but I can’t make them believe it. The goal is to plant seeds. It can be an epiphany for others later. As it was for me.

Anyway, I’m in bed being useless myself. Might as well sleep.