And Then There Was This in The Secret Writings of Eros: Book 3- Fallout, Pain, Acceptance, and Perseverance

I came here to write something unimportant but still something that I wanted to say. And I’ll get to that. I’ll say it. But I re-read old entries from all of my journal spaces. A way to see how I’ve grown, how I’ve not grown… in some ways, how I’ve gone backwards. And while it isn’t an entry written on this day… there is an entry in these spaces from 2020 that was written about this day. So there’s something about that in here, too.

Item 1:

I’ve gotten to an interesting, I suppose that is the word, interesting place within myself. Sure, I’d love to have sex. It would be great fun and very important to my physical and mental health. Honestly… some good sex would be dynamite for my mental health right now. But I’m very aware that right now, I do not have the time (or energy) to be a good, reliable partner. And while I understand that I don’t have to be a good, reliable partner in order to have sex? Well… it’s something I want. And I do need to be honest here. While it is true that I am, more or less, accepting of my current status due to how incredibly busy and worn down I am… the truth is were I not so busy and worn down; I do not know how I would change that status. And I think that is a truth that needs to be spoken and admitted to. Were I someone able to just be “acceptable, kinda shitty maybe” at my job and have Evenings and Weekends available to explore dating and sex? I don’t see my success rate exactly elevating. Well, unless I’m spending beaucoup bucks on multiple dating apps for the chance of maybe, hopefully, potentially, if I am very lucky, maybe getting into one or two talking phases only to never even meet the person. Because that’s been my experience when I paid for dating apps. But this isn’t about that. Or it isn’t supposed to be about that. That was just… me being honest that while in my current “season of life” I can and do say that I am too busy and too tired to pursue something… even if I weren’t, I probably wouldn’t be. BUT getting back on track:

I’ve gotten to an interesting, I suppose that is the word, interesting place within myself. Sure, I’d love to have sex. It would be great fun and very important to my physical and mental health. But I am accepting of my current situation. But it would still be nice to have… something. Like… being flirted with. Or racy e-mails to my personal account. I mean… that desire is precisely the reason for porn and its various iterations throughout social media!
“Do you want someone to snapchat you sexy pictures? There’s a pay service for that!”
“Would you like a complete stranger to send you racy e-mails? There’s a pay service for that!”
And while I certainly don’t see the advertisements anymore… I have to believe Phone Sex Chat Lines are still a thing in our world.
And they exist and are money makers because there’s the need/want/desire for libidinous interaction between humans. Again, not dissing any Asexual individuals- you are seen and are valid. But sex drive and an emotional need for connection and closeness and intimacy… these are all generally speaking… very human… very animal drives hardwired at the core. And I suppose there would be nothing wrong with being a paying member of some titillation service… whether sexting or e-mails or something… I’m an adult using my money on a legal enterprise to fulfil something that I consider to be missing in my life. But despite those words- I can’t do it. I don’t know if it’s a moral thing or a frugality thing or what but spending money for a hollow fantasy just… I think that’s the issue.... when I think about it, what keeps coming up are the words “FAILURE” and “GIVING UP”. This idea that if I were to employ a service than that ultimately would cement me as a complete failure in love and sex. The idea that if I were to employ a service than that would be me giving up on the notion that I could maybe, possibly find it organically. Then throw in the old traumas and it becomes: The idea that if I were to employ a service than that would be me giving up on the notion that I could maybe, possibly be worthy of it coming from someone who wasn’t paid to do so.

SO I guess… that’s where I am?? Accepting of my current situation while admitting… if I wasn’t accepting of it, there isn’t much I could do to change it. Wanting at least something even just exchanging sexy e-mails but also not wanting to employ a service for that because of the emotional, mental, and ego based issues that come with that. So we’ll call it a mild… middling acceptance of things and just… call it good.

Item 2:

It seems interesting, almost silly, that I would have the above impulses and self-discussion on this day. December 3, 2020 was (until a few months later) the night of the best sex I’d ever had! Which is funny as the best sex I’ve ever had was February 2021 and, coincidentally, was the last sex I’ve had. But saying that I’m reminded that… unless I’m forgetting something… I think December 3, 2020 was the last time I had sex with Victoria at all. Which part of my mind begs to consider patterns and issues there like… “With both Victoria and Essen, the Best Sex You’ve Had was also the last time they wanted to have sex with you so… what do you think that means?!” And then my mind throws out another reminder. “Remember in re-reading your other journal about 2019!!” And there’s an “Oh yeah, that!” in there. After March 2019, my ex-wife and I didn’t have sex again until December 2nd/3rd… which was 10 days after telling her that we needed to get Separated. I think my mind wants to make something bigger of all of that… the whole “Apparently, the beginning of December is a time for your body to say sex please?” But that would be reading too much into things. Ultimately, at the heart of it, it’s really just… the same things as ever. I want a healthy, happy, romantic, sexual relationship. And at 38… I’ve never had one so… my mind, heart, and body get all… involved, wounded, curious, and a little scared. It’s funny (if a little unfortunate) reading some of the notes left.

2019: notes were along the lines of- “Honestly, I think you’ll find you’ll be having more sex now that you’re getting separated!
Well… even if that were possibly true… and I honestly think it could have been!! If my 2020 had gone as planned? I think the healing journey, the confidence building, the socializing… I think it would have been true. But COVID kind of had it’s own way.

2020: notes were congratulatory. Marking my growth as a person, having difficult conversations and having incredible sex with a bit of kink. Lots of kudos for a path that people hoped I could stay on.

2021: Yeah. Not… not a path I stayed on. 2021 was talking about Buffy’s Musical Episode.

2022: One space: “I got my haircut. And didn’t go into the office today like I should have.” Other space: “I am coming to terms with my situation and complete lack of opportunity for sex and romance.” Kind of a… unfortunate arc there.