That's funny in The Secret Writings of Eros: Book 3- Fallout, Pain, Acceptance, and Perseverance

It’s funny. I had a thought during work. Stuck with me. Wanted to write about it.
When I got home, that thought expanded into some emotions. Took two separate paths in my head. One that could be considered “Nostalgic, wistful, wondering about times past in the now”; the other that could be described as “Sad, anxious, uncertain.” And I did actually want to sit down and write about it.

But it’s almost midnight. I have trials in the morning and staying awake to write about things I really wanted to write about just… doesn’t seem worth it. To honor the thoughts and feelings, though, I do feel it appropriate to write some of it. If for no other reason than posterity.

Earlier today, for reasons I can’t entirely fathom, some thoughts and feelings popped into my head. Now, the sequence of my life and the history of my history all added together certainly don’t suggest any particularly good or rational reason for “Random Day in December” to inspire these thoughts. So, I really can’t explain quite what it was. But I was doing some work at my desk; my mind caught a half of a glimpse of a memory of a thought, and my unconscious mind followed that to a more complete thought tied to memories. And suddenly, I just thought… not about the people specifically, but the activities, emotions, and experiences of December 2020 and January 2021. As I say that, I guess there may be some rationale after all, as it was the week of Christmas 2020 that I actually found, despite myself, that I was falling for Essen. Or, as I said at the time because “being young and hip” I was “catching feelings.” Which, if we’re honest, is particularly appropriate with that group who acts like those specific types of emotions are little more than an infection (sometimes). So maybe that’s why my thoughts went there.
But… my mind just took a natural, unbidden, What If to the whole thing. “What if that had happened now?” Me in this job… me working with these theater companies… me in this house. And for reasons, again, I can’t fully understand… my mind was thorough and honest about it. I do apologize, the lateness with which I am writing this and the tiredness that has taken hold prevents me from properly explaining it (but I will be even less able to do so after sleep as these thoughts will likely vanish).... but my mind without even using my conscious processors was just… playing with the thoughts. Rules were that domiciles were as they are now. So Victoria and her kids would have to travel; but Essen is in town. So on one hand… there would be less involvement with Victoria and her kids. But there would be more involvement with Essen and her kids. Victoria coming over would have been more of a “chore” but that would have also made it a lot more “intentional” and less feeling like “a nearby available place to hide” but “an honest and earnest attempt to keep a friendship and a FWB thing going.” On the other side of it, I could have taken Essen and her kids to more things… had actual dates and quality bonding time. BUT OF COURSE the truth is that none of us could find our ways to where we are at this moment without going through all the previous stuff! My involvement in any way was… safe house, comfort, oasis, support, distraction. Transplant everything to the now? If I had to deal with Chuckers here, I might not have survived it. But the other stuff? The rest of it? I don’t know. A large part of me, for some silly reason, honestly thinks both Victoria and Essen would have worked out better here.

So that was the first thought.

But of course, coming home and just… feeling the way I do from time to time… my mind wandered to the purely sexual of it all. For the first time in my life actually having some form of sex life. For the first time in over 30 years, someone having sex with me in consecutive months. FUCK for the first time in my adult life, a woman having sex with me twice in the same month… and without telling me she needed to get drunk first! Someone who actually valued sobriety in sexual exchanges!! And more than just that! Experimental sex. Sex with communication. Sex that explored each others wants and desires.
Sex with foreplay. Sex that wasn’t just “Shut the fuck up and be glad I decided to let this happen”. Sex that involved toys and outfits and effort. Sex that explored wants and desires and involved two women I was extremely attracted to! And more… sex with one woman that I felt deeply connected to. And here and now? I can’t decide whether it is better to have experienced that for a few fleeting moments or not. Because, yeah… it’s awesome to know what I want, what I’m into, what I enjoy. I know now what I want… how I want to be in the sexual exchange department. I know what I enjoy doing, having done to me, I know things now.

But for rather valid reasons right now, the subsequent thought is a rather derisive, unfortunate, “SO what?” What does it matter that I have had this experience? What does it matter to have that knowledge? I have a pleasant memory of an exceptionally brief time and, as disgusting as it sounds, the closest thing to anything remotely close to that I’ve experienced in the last (almost) 2 years is my fucking dog licking my face when I come home. So, I’m stuck in that
Is it better to have the memories and the knowledge? Knowing what you’re missing. What you may never experience again?
or
Is it better NOT to have those memories and knowledge? To always wonder without any confirmation or closure on what you may never experience at all?