Some positive thoughts. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’m still annoyed at that chick messaging me BUT I like that I’m no longer on the wrong side of this. I like that I know what this guy is about and I don’t have to suffer anymore, any bitch trying to get with him will be ran through the ringer as well. Narcs don’t change themselves, they just change victims. I remember how jealous I used to be of all these women and now, I realize that they should be jealous of me because I already done went through the ringer and won’t go through it again.

It’s been a pretty decent day. I dealt with my phone bill issue, cleaned up the house and sanitized from us being sick and then got a few groceries at the store. I finally got me my egg container for the fridge that I wanted. There was only one and it was all the way back on the shelf like someone was trying to hide it and come back for it later. I still kinda want 1 more but I’m good with what I have for now. I also kinda want to get a soda container too but I’m used to soda being kept in the crisper so I’m not sure if I’m ready for that to change.

My daughter had a good day at school. I don’t think I give enough gratitude for underrated blessings such as her having good days again. I’m still a bit on edge waiting for messages or phone calls saying that she’s struggling but it’s been a couple of weeks and things have settled down. I’m not going to completely blame her Dad for her acting out at school but I know he contributed to it. I can say there was a couple of different issues at school and then I stupidly let her Dad come around and everything went to Hell.

I’m not sure if I’m just getting stronger or just conditioned to everything but I’m in a really good place and once I get a job, I’ll be unstoppable. I can’t wait to be able to start looking for a job and know things are definitely going to get better.

It’s been a pretty good day though. My friend called and I talked to him. I also decided that since I already don’t have much of a social outlet that I reactivated Facebook. I’m not going to let that guy take away what social outlet I do have. I wouldn’t expect to run him out of social media so I’m back on there. It’s the same shit of course but I like knowing what events are happening and when. I also like seeing local news and signing up for stuff to take my kid to. I’m not going to miss out on a whole lot just to avoid drama. There’s something called the ‘block’ button and I will be utilizing that plenty from here on out.

I wrote all of that last night. I had to wait for a friend to stop by and give me back the money he borrowed. I was just so exhausted because I’m used to sleeping by 8pm.

Some lady called me about a job a little while ago. I really want to find a job before Christmas but I don’t want to worry about not having childcare over the 2 week break from school or my Dad being around my kid because I don’t trust my Mom to have enough backbone to tell him that he’s not going to be around her. I’m very irritated at my situation that there’s just no one to really help out with her outside of school and if there is, I have to be concerned that someone wouldn’t respect my wishes and not come around.

I honestly think over Christmas break, I need to try and find a back up plan so that I would never have to ask my Mom to help with her. I’m very angry at how many times my Mom said she would watch her and then didn’t bother to. It’s so frustrating being in this spot. There’s welfare Mom’s that want to be welfare Mom’s and then there’s Mom’s like me that have a hard time trusting anyone with their child and because everyone wants an arm and a leg. I’m not going to work just to pay someone to take care of my kid.

I’m still reeling from my Mom saying that my brother thinks I should apologize for HIS DAUGHTER spraying my daughter in the eyes with bug repellent. I seriously don’t understand whatsoever. This is just another reminder why I believe it’s better for EVERYONE that we have no contact at all. I have been a lot happier in the past 6 months not being around those people and being on edge waiting for one of them to say something hurtful about me or my life as a single Mom. They are very mean, hurtful people and my brother likes being around people that are below him because it makes him feel better about himself.

I’m very sad and angry that they’ve always made me feel so bad about myself. My past, my weight, my mistakes and no matter how hard I try to show them I’m not the same person anymore, they keep the same opinion. There’s also a lot of stuff that they’ve said to me that I will never forgive. I remember being called a ‘danger’ to their child when I was pregnant. I remember their daughter who was 5 at the time telling me while I was pregnant that my daughter won’t have a real family because her Dad left me.