Here and Now. in Thirty-Seven

Hello friends how are we all doing this Sunday evening?

I’m sitting around watching football. Just finished dinner of sweet and sour chicken (InnovAsian from Albertson’s) and white rice. Was super tasty.

We’ve been doing a bunch of stuff around here. Finally got our new bed set up. We had originally wanted to get a new mattress from a local store, it was going to be like $1300. But we needed a new mattress.

That didn’t go as planned, so we bought one of the rolled up, compressed, boxed ones from Walmart. It sat in the back of the car for almost a month lol then we moved it into the corner of the bedroom.

We had planned on setting it all up before we went to Tucson for BILs wedding. But also that didn’t happen lol ugh. I was using the bedroom as my work station so I had to clear all of that out into the living room. Luckily most of it was in boxes and I could put my sewing machine in it’s case.

I also had the rats playpen setup in there and was able to get that all broken down and it fit into one of our laundry baskets. So that worked out.

Then on Halloween we started getting the room completely cleaned out. Halloween was very hard. It was one of my dad’s favorite times because he loved getting visited by all the kiddos trick or treating (he lived alone since my mom passed in 2016) so that was good for him.

But anyway we got a bunch done, but we also had a huge argument about shit. It’s the same argument I have had with him for a while now because he is very unmotivated at the moment. And I know it has a lot to do with where is head is these days, but he’s gotten way too comfortable with me doing everything.

I cook most meals.
I do the dishes.
I take care of the cats.
I take care of the rats.
We do split the dog responsibilities.

I was just physically tired and mentally frustrated with everything. I had had somewhat of a argument with my brother a couple days before (last entry) and I was just over everything. Plus missing my dad so goddamn much that I was almost choking on my words.

I just had had it by them. I have to constantly remind him that I would be working, creating things if I had any space to do so. That he has the capability of doing things because he has his station and he is choosing not to. I almost asked him to move his shit the other day so I could do some work. But I knew that would just make me look like a bad guy.

He’s gotten into a better routine lately but I know he needs a med change or to add something. He had therapy on Thursday so he discussed that with his therapist and so they might add a med to help with that. Fingers crossed.

Anyway so we got through Monday and Tuesday we set up the bed. Completely clearing out that room and making it ours has left me feeling a little empty if I’m completely honest. It’s hard to explain to someone what it’s like moving into, sleeping and having a majority of your home life in the same room where your dad died.

My dad passed away in that bedroom. I can’t get anyone to understand how much of a mind fuck that has been for me. And everytime I bring it up or mention it to someone they completely glaze over it like it’s not a big deal.

I dunno. I guess it’s only a big deal to me. But I was there. I did 30 minutes of CPR on my dead father and then watched the paramedics do another 30 minutes until I asked them to stop. Right in the doorway of the bedroom.

Blah.

Anyway so our anniversary is coming up next Friday. Our original plan was to go camping at the hot springs about an hour away....but we can’t afford all the necessary items to go. We have a nice tent, but no real bed or anything like that. Plus the camping fees.

So, we’re just going to end up going up there for the day, on Friday. It’s $7 a person for 2 hrs. So we’ll just do that, go up early, soak for a couple hours and then come home and get ready and have dinner somewhere that evening.

I posted a long rant about my mental health the other day because I was tired of people assuming I don’t deal with the darkness in my head consuming me. I made it especially for my brother after he scolded me for talking about it. Because they don’t think I could possibly have any of those thoughts. Again, see my last entry for more on that.

On another note, I had planned on filing the paperwork to get all the house stuff in my name in January. My brother A has been hounding me about it for a while now. I told him several times that I would take care of it in January. I haven’t had time to take care of myself much less anything else.

But he went ahead and scheduled the appointment for me to go do it on Monday. He said “we need to get the ball rolling”. Uggghhhhhh. LET ME DO SHIT!

So I had just said ok and left it at that. A couple days later I posted that long rant and basically said I’m gonna do my shit and to leave me be, etc.

Well he text me a few days after telling me about the appointment that he was sorry he had scolded me and if there was anything he could do for me. I was angry still and I told him “I’ll take care of it on Monday and pay the property taxes that way you guys don’t have to worry about anything anymore”. He didn’t say anything in response to that.

On Monday once I’m done with the appointment I’ll be like it’s done, now I’d like some space to process the grief I haven’t had a chance to process because of all this and the house and all the stuff I mentioned above.

I’m so so fucking tired of being treated like a child by them. I get the fact that they feel like I am still a child because of all the help I’ve needed. But goddamn, forcing me to do things that will get done on your timeline does not work for anyone. And all it did is create resentment. I don’t want to resent them any more than I already do for a lot of things.

But yeah I am going to write out a long message and send it to both of them and be like look I’m gonna be here, we can talk, but we’re not going to do this forcing me to do shit because you think it needs to be done stuff anymore.

But yeah the rest of the week was fine. Tuesday when we were sorting shit out in the house I heard something outside and went to check what it was. Mind you, I had moved my trash can from the back of my house to the front because there was a damn dog that kept throwing our (and everyone else’s in the alley) trash bins and spreading the trash all over the alley.

We had had words with the neighbor behind us because it was their dog. Well lol and behold this fucking dog is in my front yard getting into my trash. She had already dragged one of the bags to the back yard. I was PISSED. I screamed “ARIEL YOU PIECE OF SHIT STAY OUT OF MY GODDAMN YARD!”

Luckily, that day the owners of the dog were outside when I chased her out of my yard with the rake. They watched me do it. They saw it with their own eyes. I yelled at the top of my lungs “KEEP YOUR PIECE OF SHIT DOG IN YOUR FUCKING YARD!”

Suddenly the dog is gone. Our little town doesn’t have an animal control officer so I was going to call the county the next time she was here, but like I said, she’s gone now.

Hopefully they just sent her out with the owners mom but who really knows with these people. Ugh. So yeah I came back inside after that and Randy went and talked to them. I vacuumed the living room lol. Vacuuming calms me down.

But ah yeah. So that’s that. We finally got to sleep in the new bed Friday night. We had to let it fully decompress for a few days. It’s been glorious having leg room in the bed even with the two dogs there haha.

Poker isn’t happy because this bed is higher and he can’t jump up onto it like Dice can. The first night he slept in the old bed by himself and was laying back there while we were in here all day. But he is feeling better about life because we’ve been picking him up and putting him in bed. Lol silly dog.

But ah yeah. So tomorrow I gotta go into town at noon and take care of all of that. Hopefully it’s not too complicated or anything.

Nothing much else going on this week other than more rearranging the house more. I’ll finally have my workspace! Ugh.

So that’s fun. I’m gonna do some baking too to try and raise some more money. But yeah I doubt anyone will buy anything. The last couple times I’ve tried there has been literally no response, so I’ll give it one more to and then give up on the baked goods.

Anywho I think that is all for now. Have a good week everyone.