Thanksgiving 2022 in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s been another holiday where it’s just my daughter and myself. We can’t go to my parents house because my little brother freaks out if we are there too long so my parents brought us turkey dinner and pumpkin pie. I still get pretty annoyed that we never get to see my Mom without my Dad. I mentioned her maybe coming tomorrow or Saturday to watch my kid for awhile so I can make some money but I doubt she’ll remember and I get sick of bugging over and over again.

I’m glad my daughter is getting a 5 day break from school to just rest and hang out at home with me. I feel guilty that she’s in school and the after school program where she’s not home very much and when she is home, she’s sleeping more than she’s awake. I just love her and I’m glad she’s getting some days away from school which will probably help with her behavior too. It’s been a pretty good couple of days so far.

Been thinking about my job situation and I plan to attend any and all interviews I get invited to. Just because things didn’t work out with that one job, I’m not going to let it deter me from finding something. I’m still pretty concerned about needing help with my daughter outside of school but I gotta get something going. I can’t do this jobless thing too much longer. I know I’d feel so much better if I was working and getting out of the house.

I got some money yesterday and we picked up some stuff at the store. My Mom called while we were there and I got them some food. Pork chops, burritos with cheese and sour cream, beef sausage, and a couple of other things. I really wish my parents made buying food a priority and I didn’t feel like I needed to help them. I’m also irritated that my Dad isn’t working and probably isn’t going to anymore. I asked him about going back and he said he’s waiting to hear about his schedule when I heard him tell his boss that he’d let him know when he’s ready to go back.

The lies with narcs is just something else. I don’t know how the fuck my Mom is able to live with someone that’s pulled as much as he has and how he’s STILL LYING!!! My kid’s Dad is the exact same way and that’s not something I’m wiling to tolerate enough for him to live in my house.

I’m trying to figure out if it would be worth it to just find a part time job that’s like 3 days a week and/or wait until after Christmas break to avoid having to rely on my Mom to help. I’m really concerned about a certain someone being around my kid and I don’t want to feel like I won’t have boundaries if I need her to watch my kid.

I really don’t think I live a normal healthy life. I am sick of being in survival mode. It’s hard not having anyone I can trust or rely on when it comes to my child. I worried about how hard this was going to be once there was no more 24/7 daycare and it’s super hard. I’m also upset that childcare has to be so expensive and I’m scared that I’ll get a job just to pay someone to watch my kid.

Since I’ve been more honest with my daughter regarding her Dad, I feel such a weight has been lifted off of me. I told her that we need to leave Daddy alone so he can work on himself. She asked why he doesn’t live with us and I told her it’s because he doesn’t make good choices. She hasn’t brought him up since and I’m very grateful for that. I know she’s sad that he doesn’t know she’s lost another tooth but he’s never been involved enough to really care and I think you can’t miss what you never had. I allowed him to come around after being absent 14 months and all he did was fill her head with lies about me and my Mom. It probably made her question who to trust and she’s really struggled at school.

I just want to worry about her being happy and getting myself back on track. I don’t plan for him to see her ever again until the courts are involved. The guy is a total deadbeat with no reasonable plan to get himself together. I don’t want to be tore down with the negativity that he brings. I’ve been in the deepest, darkest corners of my mind mainly because of him and my friend told me the other day that whenever I start thinking of him I need to just think he’s dead and keep going with my day.

There’s so much positive in my life and I want to focus on that and nothing else from now on. I know I’ll get down some but I also remember how strong I am and how I’ve managed to keep myself going all this time with or without support of others. My daughter is the most incredible human and he can’t take any credit for that. I’ve been on my own long before I was pregnant and I’ll keep on keepin on.