Pity Party in Current Events

Well well well, I figured out why my roommate was hiding in her room all day avoiding life. She bin drinking, she bin drinking… watermelon. She’s an adult she can drink if she wants to. We recently accepted the self-awareness that her drinking can create a toxic environment at home. It doesn’t just affect her. Big things have small beginnings and it’s a slippery slope for her to lose control again. She did stop drinking for a few weeks. I watched her try and get control many times and so now I recognize the signs that she is slipping. She will start drinking just on the weekends. Prior to that, she will be needing bong rips every hour. Which is what I am witnessing. She will shrink her surroundings and spend most of her time in her room.

She’s self-sabotaging so that she can drink. Bad day? Drink. Bad mood? Drink. She will self-sabotage and have bad days and bad moods so that she can justify the drinking. That good old positive feedback loop. I’ve been there myself. It was Russel Brand’s program on Commune (https://www.onecommune.com/recovery-with-russell-brand) that was just it for me. Step four really mapped out my patterns and led me to hold myself accountable and be honest with myself about my fucked up shit. My connection to alcohol was completely severed and that wasn’t even my goal when I went through his program. I want to print that chart for step 4 and laminate it so that I can use it with a dry-erase marker whenever I experience resentment. It’s cathartic. It makes things that feel like a big deal look as small as they are.

I woke up this morning fully aware that I played myself. I decided to commit to being spiteful and vindictive. I decided to do things Toni’s way and leave everything by the sink for the magic cleaning fairies that she leaves her dishes for. They didn’t come and do everything that I didn’t feel like doing. The leave it for mommy and daddy approach didn’t work. I don’t know why I am so gagged. I ended up having to clean that this morning because I have to meal prep later. While I was doing that my empathy kicked in. Toni is going through something again and I feel sorry for her but I cannot let it be my problem.

Cluster B’s drag you into everything and the Capricorn in me knows that these people are parasitic so I have to draw a hard boundary. Capricorns are emotionally closed off and void of emotions blah blah blah. Says the emotionally incontinent astrologers. We’re just good at boundaries and don’t validate every little emotion because we understand that not everybody is failing at life is a victim. They just have weak characters and will never make the changes that they need to make to support better health, wealth, self, etc. They’re so emotionally unintelligent that they think it is the world’s job to validate their excuses. That we are supposed to confirm all of their biases. To coddle them and let them know that it is okay to suck at life. Their situations are unique and hopeless and they’re special little snowflakes who just need society to take care of them because they’re the victims in their made-up hero/villain story. When we don’t, the narcissist in them thinks that we are problematic and out of touch.

Anyway, while I was cleaning up after both of us I saw the glass she used to drink her wine. She doesn’t even use a wine glass, she fills up a regular glass and drinks it like Kool-aid. She buried the bottle at the bottom of the recycling bin. She hid in her room all day because she was drinking. She was trying to hide that from me.

When she is drinking, she is feeling sorry for herself. The job she gives the alcohol is to numb that pain. I see her headphones on the coffee table so now I see that she made the choice to drink, be depressed, and listen to Taylor Swift all day. Taylor Swift makes music for people with no life experience. We are 36, life shouldn’t be a Taylor Swift song. Toni committed to wallowing. She had a pity party yesterday. That was a choice.

When we had our big talk, it was just when she was about to have a nervous breakdown. That was the opportunity I had been waiting for to add self-awareness about her drinking. That she is the toxic person in her Bob situation. That she is a toxic person at home. She sees that now and we agreed that she had two options. She can have a breakthrough or a breakdown. She’s having a breakdown. I told her that she would fail to have a breakthrough because she needs to get help. We cannot fix a problem with the same mind that created it. This is where everybody taps out. They refuse to get the help they need because they think that they can keep doing things their way. What’s the definition of crazy? Doing the same things and expecting different results. Cluster B’s go crazy and try to take everybody with them.

Anyway, I am finishing the chore list today. Things just have to get done. I played myself. I am about to go get groceries and get my meal prep started. Then I have to study. I did my homework yesterday. I also wrote my cover letter and applied for that full-time position at work. If I get it, great! I can afford to live on my own and won’t have to feel trapped in this living situation. I think the feeling of being stuck is why I haven’t been bold enough to communicate to her that she needs to grow the fuck up and clean up after herself. Mostly, I don’t want to feel like a nagging mother. I already feel like I live with a 17-year-old, I don’t want to have to nag her to be responsible. The few times I asked her to do something she reacted exactly like a 17-year-old who was being nagged by their mother. She was full of attitude and snapped at me. Like, she’s lucky I don’t snap back. Sorry to bring up astrology again but my birth chart shows how sharp my tongue can be. I even scare myself so I bite my tongue. I cannot hurt others without hurting myself so I have to be strategic about it. Manipulative as it is. It’s tough love. We have to treat narcissists or people committed to their own narcissism like children sometimes because that’s exactly what they are.

I was so fully committed to doing things Toni’s way yesterday that I even went and got myself some takeout instead of cooking a meal for both of us. I didn’t like the idea of spending money but I wanted a day of not doing anything that I don’t feel like doing for a change. I even spent most of the day in my room. I see that she had a bowl of cereal for dinner because she left that for me. She did load some stuff into the dishwasher. I can see that she likely had bowls of cereal for all three meals. Also a bag of chips at one point. Maybe I am the one creating a toxic environment? Maybe I’m the villain and drama right now? Maybe the tension is all my fault? lol I don’t care right now. I am being self-centred because I owe that to myself.

Speaking of owing myself… I probably didn’t owe it to myself to go on a $100+ shopping spree but I caved and bought some nice tops online. Also an Alexa. The black Friday sales were irresistible. I haven’t bought myself any nice clothes in a few years. I used to treat myself to an ASOS shopping spree for my birthday every year. I brought that tradition back. I suppose. I like ASOS because I am sample size over there and I know that their clothes will fit me the way I like them too. Their clothes are also cost-effective and I don’t need to spend a lot of money to look like I wear expensive things. I’m a Taurus rising, every inch of me is calculated. I can’t help it! It’s just in my nature.

Anyway, I did save a lot for myself to do today which is fine. I shall get on with it. I should get around to reading comments on here again. Polarizing with people’s triggered narcissism is just not a good use of energy. I know that I am not palatable. I’m just asking for it but I don’t have to polarize with anyone if I don’t want to. They only ever have ad hominem attacks because they don’t have the cerebral constitution to produce an original thought so they commit to the easy thing and attack the character instead of the argument. It makes them feel all good and righteous even though it just proves my point that they’re… well, stupid and not intelligent.

A random song I fell in love with: