Mindset is everything. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve been in a pretty bad place mentally for a few days again, thanks to BD. I can’t keep letting this person get to me because it makes me think really scary thoughts. I deserve to be happy and so does my daughter. I keep thinking that if I reach out enough, he’s going to become a Dad. I’m not sure why I feel the need to keep putting myself through all of this but I can’t do it again. It’s been how many years of this same torture and abuse. I can’t blame him for the hurt he causes because I sign up to endure it.

As hard as it is to accept that I don’t receive child support, he won’t get enrolled with his tribe and I’m on my own, I have to for the sake of my sanity. I’m choosing my own suffering so I can’t blame him for it. I know better every single time and still go for it. The guy is just absolutely crazy and no matter what I can’t reason with him but I have to stop now. I have honestly let him completely ruin me but my healing needs to be my priority as well.

I’ve talked to different friends from Facebook and they all say it’s time to tell my daughter the truth. I thought about everything they said and I finally was more honest than I normally am. I said that we need to leave Daddy alone and let him have the chance to work on himself. She asked why he isn’t around much or why he don’t live with us and I told her because he doesn’t make good decisions. I can tell she’s more interested in me finding her a new Dad then trying to make things work with the Dad she has.

I have been in the deepest, darkest corners of my mind for a few days and I have to get out of this funk. I have my good days and my bad days. Some days I’m completely fine with being a full time parent and giving my daughter everything I never had and some days I’m very angry that I’m on my own but I realize now more than ever I have to move on from this. It’s time to put some real effort in eating better, watching my weight, trying to create a social life and find a job. I have to get on with my life. I’ve let the negative rule me long enough.

I may talk about what our last conversation consisted of but I don’t care to feel anything right now so it will have to be at a later date. I’m happy that my daughter only has school 2 days this week and then she’ll be home for 5 days. She gets a break from school and I think it’s much needed. Her behavioral issues seem to have improved the last few days and I’m hoping she’s going to work through her sadness with her Dad and know how loved she is by me.

It’s time that I find myself and start living again. I’ve let my circumstances drag me down to the point where I can’t see my way out. I sit here and bitch about my diabetes being out of control but I need to start trying to eat better and work out. I bitch that I can’t find a job because of my limited availability but I don’t try because of my fear. Sometimes I think I really am my own prison and I gotta get out of that mindset.

Life really is about perspective and I think I feel stuff way too deeply and then I can’t see out of it. I refuse to stay stuck, especially in my own head. I owe it to myself to climb out of my depression and let things keep me down anymore.