Painful Honesty in The Secret Writings of Eros: Book 3- Fallout, Pain, Acceptance, and Perseverance

I realize how petty and stupid and shitty this is....
but considering… everything?
Considering my ex-wife tracked me down and said she wanted to be with me… only for our entire marriage to be an EXTREME version of a sexless marriage… only for her to abandon that whole personality when we got divorced?

I’m not mad she decided every other guy under the sky was more worthy of her sexual attentions.

I am upset that a woman that spent over a decade telling me I was scum, fat, and worthless… was able to find over a half dozen sexual partners in the 3 years since our divorce… and I haven’t even been able to secure a half dozen sexual experiences since the divorce.

Honestly makes me think.... for over a decade, I thought she might be asexual since she absolutely 100% refused any and all physical intimacy and sexual contact. But fuck… considering Nancy, Victoria, and Essen? Maybe the reality is............ something else.

The woman who tracked me down, confessed her love for me, and wanted to marry me… refused me any intimate touch for the better part of a decade.
The woman who pursued me, saying that if my Wife didn’t want me- she certainly did… decided after 5 times that sex just.... wasn’t worth knowing me.
The woman who responded to my “I find myself catching feelings for you” by saying “Let’s fuck those out of each other”… decided I wasn’t worth knowing after 3 times.

I haven’t had so much as a kiss on the fucking cheek since February 2021. I haven’t had an orgasm due to interaction with another person since January 2020. I can read all the psych books, attend all the talk therapy, and hear all the various criticisms or support from the internet but at the end of the day?

I am a man of 38 years.. who dedicated himself to a marriage that said “Sex with you is… not something this marriage should involve.” To the point where… half of the marriage was ZERO sex and the other half was less than 3 times per year. And yet… after the divorce? She decided that 1 or 2 dates was sufficient for a sexual relationship. Very literally “Strangers on Dating Apps are more worthy of my romantic and sexual involvement than my self-sacrificing husband ever was.” Meanwhile… my own romantic and sexual life are… non-existent. Zero dating app luck. Zero “out in the world” luck. Frankly, at this point.... the Purity Culture and the Actual Life mix in a dark disturbing statement:
If I was not worthy of romantic love or sexual experience… why the fuck was I forced to live this long? Frankly, I’d rather not have. When the last gentle touch of any intimacy was from someone outright rejecting me more than a year ago… why am I still here?! I would honestly rather not exist at all than live year after year in a world that says, “Fuck you! Meth Addicts, Physically Abusive Narcissists, and Rapists all receive love and sex… but not you! Because fuck you!”

Mock this as you will but..... a man that was as dedicated to his wife… for her to make 15 years of their relationship “You’re not attractive enough to love”.... for that person to then experience the world of “You’re not attractive enough to date”.... yeah. I’ve never felt more like Quasimodo. I’m about 9 minutes from scrambling up a church spire and shouting “Sanctuary! Sanctuary!”