Aftermath... in Hello

So...I met up with her at Baskin Robbins because the had been mentioning mint chocolate chip ice cream that she had not had in years and it was somewhere she had been mentioning she wanted to go. We sat in my car, listening to music and me sing, eating the ice cream, and generally being silly. After a few minutes she got into her car and followed me home. We went straight to the bedroom and began to talk.

Her side is that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore. My side is that it feels as if she pushed me out of the way to make room for the new guy, even if it is just hanging out and watching TV and/or talking. We ended up having some intense sex and possibly agreed on doing it again at a later date but for right now we both need our space. She laid on the couch in the living room with me watching TV as dinner cooked because I invited her to stay. I kept taking off a bracelet she gave me and just staring at it. It was a little piece of her that I carried with me every day. She eventually held out her hand and I gave it back to her. After about twenty or so minutes she said it would be best if she left. Gathered up her books, the containers of die (we were going to try to get some D and D games going with another friend of mine but it never panned out) her lingerie she left, the markers I bought her of Amazon and I walked her outside. We both kissed, said I loved you, and held on to each other for what like an eternity but was more like a minute or two. Then she left...

I was OK last night after. I did have some trouble getting to sleep but I ended up reading some out of my new book I just started until my eyes grew really heavy.
Then this morning rolled around.

I felt completely dead on the inside. Get to work to find that the thirty parts I ran yesterday were off in two dimensions. I lose it and just start bawling. To be honest I've been crying on and off all day long. Especially on my first break at 8:30 AM when she's usually waking up and we start texting. I'm on set up on my second machine from 6:30 AM till way past 10 AM. For the experienced guys there, set up is usually twenty minutes. For me? Hour or two. I know I'm still learning. I know I shouldn't be hard on myself. But I fucked up seven forges trying to get it right. Finally one turned out right, I got off set up and onto direct labor and ran another part...wrong again.

All that stress...I couldn't stop crying my eyes out. Lunch break finally rolled around and usually in the break room I'll sit close to the TV and talk with some of the guys however today I stayed in the back and just stared at my food. Finally found the courage to ask the supervisor if I could leave early seeing how I wasn't feeling good. It was blatantly obvious that I had been crying and he asked me what was wrong. I wanted to tell him that I'm completely inept at the job and that he should just fire me now, that I'm starting to feel as if I've wasted the last two years of my life in school studying machining, and that the girl I told him about when she broke up with me came and got all her stuff last night which is why I feel like shit...but no. I just said, "its personal. I'm really sorry for bringing my problems to work but I'm having hard time focusing and I've already crashed seven parts on set up just for one job." He said OK and I came straight home.

Mom wasn't pissed. She understood. Eventually I fell asleep here on the couch for a few hours and just woke up.

I had to get all of this out of me.

Like the title of my last entry said...this really does hurt and I feel the tears coming on again.

It'll get better...just really sucks right now.

I'm just wondering why do all of my relationships fail...is it really me? Am I still paying for the sins of my past where I was a total and utter asshole to everyone with my egocentric ways? Please deliver me from this pain because I don't want to feel anymore. Not this. Not anymore.

Last updated June 05, 2014