Bad Manifesting in Current Events

My weekend was long and full of terrors. My body went into detox over the weekend, the flu. On days 1 & 2 I had a headache, sore throat, a fever, and a neverending runny nose. Days 2 & 4 were just the sore throat and sinuses. Woke up today with just a weak voice but felt great. I went through it pretty fast. At least, I thought. I went to work today with not much of a voice but once my team started servicing the paint department I felt the symptoms coming back. I had since napped most of it off. At least, I thought I had. Now I have a cough.

I feel like I always manifest bad things. I was saying that all I wanted to do was just lay in bed and do something mindless and start a Harry Potter marathon this weekend. I had also said, however, that the only way I would do that is if I’m sick which is why I’ve always been a fan of being sick. I get to be lazy guilt-free. Pain is easy. I had mentioned to Leanne, my bestie, that I hadn’t had a cough since 2015 and that I was worried that I had broken that mechanism. That’s a long story. Now I seem to have a bit of a cough.

I like the idea of my lungs detoxing. I was just looking into what foods to eat to support that so I don’t mind a cough. It is said that after seven years of quitting smoking your body would have completely forgiven you. This coming February is my seventh year of quitting smoking. May will be my seventh year as a vegan but who’s counting?

I was trying not to feel bitter, jaded, scorned, vindictive, or spiteful this weekend but I only managed that for so long because I was still more productive around the apartment than Toni. To her credit, she did come through with tarping the patio furniture on the balcony. I’m going to have to be honest and admit that I was jealous. She had the ability to do everything that needed to be done but just had her feet up the whole weekend. There is a list on the fridge of all that needs to be done. On one hand, I wish that I had someone to do all the things I don’t feel like doing but on the other hand… I got me. I could communicate with Toni, my roommate, about her childish lazy ways but then I’m going to feel like a nagging mother and the one or two times that I had asked her to do something she reacted like I was a nagging mother and she blew up on me.

Toni can you take your laundry out of the dryer so that I can put mine in?
It’s still in there?! WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST TELL ME!!!!???

She is 36 turning 17 in May. That was her oh so clever response to me telling her that she forgot her laundry in the dryer. She got mad at me for not telling her while I was in the process of telling her. She is lucky that I never ever snap back. It’s always a K.O move and I only use it in emergencies. I prefer to be patient and rational. I am a Taurus rising with a Capricorn sun, a Scorpio Moon and a Scorpio Mars. That says plenty if you speak astrology. Anyway, she doesn’t even have the life experience to know when she tripped a breaker. She spent a whole week in despair because all of her appliances stopped working. Her hair straightener, her hair dryer, her curling iron, and her vacuum, all stopped working. I tried to turn my TV on one day and I knew exactly what the problem was and then told her that it was just a tripped breaker. Like, did we seriously not try a different outlet before diagnosing every appliance with sudden electronic death syndrome?

There is one moment that tops that. I was falling asleep when she knocked on my bedroom door. At this point, I was fully aware that the power had gone out for a second. She asks me if I had any lightbulbs because all four of the lightbulbs in her bathroom burnt out… Simultaneously??? I knew exactly what happened. She was in her bathroom when that power surged happened and she toggled the light switch but left it off and assumed that meant that the bulbs were burnt out because everything else in the world was powered up when she came out of the bathroom. I flicked the switch on, and the crisis was averted.

She wants to find a new place together. I am open to it. However, I am on the fence about moving in with her. Well, she’s working on her drinking problem and doing a great job so there’s that. I finally seized my moment and added some self-awareness for her. It was painful but it happened. She sees that she has a drinking problem and she can now see that she can be a toxic person. We are whole people y’all. She has a lot of growing up to do and I don’t think she knows who she is living with exactly. I love new me energy. If she wants to create changes to support better things in life it will give me life to help and I will be so happy for her and I will be supportive in any capacity that I can. But alas, she is stuck in her toxic Taurus traits. Something I can relate to which is why witnessing this hurts me so. These are all the things I hate about myself.

So the final piece of the puzzle is that I need her to be an adult. An adult is somebody that can do things when they don’t feel it. They can parent themselves. She lives in Excuseland because she has the mental and emotional intelligence of someone still going through puberty. She’s got toxic codependence. She’s a liberal, lol. I say that in jest. Does her mother have a key to the apartment? Is that who she thinks she is leaving her messes for? She has a mommy and daddy will take care of it approach to everything.

I feel like I have two jobs between this apartment and my actual job. Plus school. There is so much not even on her radar. She wants an apartment with newer appliances.. great! But it will just be newer appliances that I will have to take care of. Does the fridge clean out itself? Does the dishwasher clean out itself? The stove and oven? The washer and dryer? Do those magically clean behind themselves by cleaning fairies so we don’t get insects and rodents? I don’t want to do any of it either but things need to get done. If I needed to feel like it to do anything then I would be… an adult plagued by loneliness because nobody wants to come to fulfill my childish wittle needs. #ClinicallyPathetic. She can’t even soothe herself, she has to self-medicate. Ok! I don’t even want to go there! She is working on that I just don’t have as much confidence that I wish I had that she will succeed. She will change everything except herself, she will try to control everything except herself. I can see her trying to go down that path again but she’s so close to having a breakthrough I can just feel it.

There has to be at least one adult in a household. I swear when I get around to having this conversation I am going to feel like I am grilling my child. She is going to give me attitude while eating food I went and got for us, cooked for us, while sitting on a couch that I provided, watching a TV I provided, streaming a service I pay for, in a room that I cleaned while she had her feet up the whole weekend. I will ask for more help around the apartment and she is going to react like an ignorant, spoiled, entitled brat. I know how to get into people’s heads but I need the right opportunity to bypass her ego so that she can come to the realizations on her own. [Self-Awareness Unlocked]

Here I am on my high horse. I don’t feel like studying so I am procrastinating by writing on PB. I will get around to it. I was not even going to attempt it on the weekend. Honestly, I could have worse problems. I have to be grateful that these are my problems. The protestors that were arrested in Iran were sentenced to death. That’s over 14 thousand of them. They are calling for the virgins to be raped first so that they cannot get into heaven. That makes me sick to my stomach.

Speaking of sick to my stomach. Mike returned to work today. Holy tension batman. I’ll be okay. More on that later.

Last updated November 15, 2022