back to the foundations in Random Thoughts

I am enjoying time to myself. Though, as part of the anxiety, I keep thinking about what i could or should be doing. So many things in the house beyond the cleaning, but cleaning does take most of my time. I want to lay in bed and read, but I feel guilty. So, i end up playing on the computer or phone and suddenly too much time has passed.

What have I been doing? I started a 40 day meditation program that I have been working with in about 5 out of 7 days a week. It assumes you are a beginner, which i appreciate. I need to go back to the foundations. Currently I am appreciating meditation on big feelings. I have a hard time with emotions and naming them. I feel it, but can parse the foundation of it, especially if it is the cloud of anxiety. It really is helpful to sit with the big emotion and work on what different ingredients make up the big one. I will do that again today.

I’d like to join a gym, the local community center is $35 a month, but i;m living on half a salary as a solo parent. I need the exercise for my mental, physical, emotional health. I wish i could just find a sponsor who could take care of it..... silly me.

I met with a former lover on Tuesday, they are in from Hawaii, closing up their 7 years of living on and off in Portland. It was a treat and delight to see them. It was the first intimate sexy times I’ve had since I was pregnant with the babe..... that must have been the end of 2019. Goodness gracious! For the longest time I was not even interested. Then it was just difficult to find the time and ugh! dating! getting to know someone new! This was easy, fun, sexy.... we always had great times in bed and eating together. It felt good to be with someone who knew and appreciated my body. I sure haven’t been feeling good about my body lately. I feel so dumpy. We get one last time together before they go back to Hawaii, then change their life to a Hawaii/Thailand split. Of course, babe and I were invited to both Hawaii and Thailand. I am sure I can easily do that with half a teacher’s salary.

I love teaching half time :)

Here is my idea for making money- vintage and resell clothing. I actually have a bunch of stuff- especially vintage lingerie. I just need to get to a place where I am motivated. Right now, despite the fact that I feel anxious about it- it’s ok to do nothing. It’s ok to read in bed, play words with friends, make food, be lazy.

My words are so boring. Ah well. It’s a beginning. How many beginnings have I had?