I Need to Consider This in The Secret Writings of Eros: Book 3- Fallout, Pain, Acceptance, and Perseverance

There is an entry in my drafts folder I want to finish. It may be more sexy, just as emotional and/or whiny; but probably a better read.
This one is just… something happened today that I wanted to document and this felt like a better space for it.

Before going forward, it should be noted-
SPOILERS FOR TONIGHT’S LITTLE DEMON EPISODE
REPEATING, IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE LITTLE DEMON EPISODE FOR OCTOBER 13, 2022 AND WISH TO SEE IT WITHOUT HAVING ANY OF IT SPOILED FOR YOU, THIS IS YOUR TIME TO TURN BACK NOW.

You good? We able to go forward now? K.

I was watching a program today called “Little Demon”. It has quickly joined my “Shows to watch” list. Which is ironic because my “stream shows to watch list” remains mostly abandoned but my “New Shows” shows to watch list remains strong.

The details of the show, for the purposes of this writing, are wholly unimportant. For the sake of what I will write- it is a cartoon with mythology, demonology, and all sorts of monsters that… may or may not behave as you would expect them to.
In tonight’s episode, I want to focus on the Human character Laura Feinberg voiced by Aubrey Plaza.

In tonight’s episode, she encounters a Sea Hag who is not out to kill humans, but (at least in this limited interaction) out to help them.

In the episode, there is a point where the Sea Hag invites Laura to spend time under the sea with her. It’s… I felt it was flirty and sexy as an invitation. If you saw the episode and disagree, let me know.

As Laura decides to accept the invitation and dive after the Sea Hag, they descend into deep water. At this point, the Sea Hag slakes her tongue across Laura’s throat. She does this in order for Laura to breathe underwater and to speak underwater.

When I saw that? I can’t explain it. The… jealous rage center was triggered. No, not jealousy. Envy. It has been so long since I had access to a neck… since someone even wanted access to mine. It… was immediate. It was… powerful. It was… very negative. I was just suddenly… so mad that I didn’t have this, that I was being reminded of how long it has been since I had this… that I was being reminded that I won’t have this. It just… it happened suddenly, powerfully, and unexpectedly.

BUT here is the comparative that matters. By the end of the episode, Laura and the Sea Hag have had very enthusiastic sex. We even see… well, what I would consider “fairly graphic” as I grew up in the 90s… the build up and intercuts of the sex. BUT THE ACTUAL SEX ITSELF DID NOT STIR THE SAME FEELINGS IN ME. The two characters actually having sex? Cool. Fine with. No issues at all.

It was just… that act of intimacy. That random bit of “I am licking your neck and you are allowing this”. THAT bothered me.

Obviously, it doesn’t take a Doctoral Candidate to understand the difference. While I may want sex, what I crave most is intimacy. While a fuck would be nice, what triggers me most is the absence of the non-sex sexual touch. This is not a surprise to me. One of the most frustrating parts of the failed marriage was that… while I was deeply annoyed that my wife did not want sex at all in any way under any circumstances… what hurt most was the absence of physical closeness, intimacy, touch. And certainly… the fact that we are divorced… means I live with that absence still. SHE doesn’t. She found people she was actually willing to touch and touched in abundance. Touched to a negative degree; but even then, it has opened doors to her for more touching. Whereas I remain untouchable. To the degree that seeing a cartoon fictional mythical character running her tongue along the throat of a cartoon fictional character… apparently, triggers an immediate strong negative emotion.