Anxiety in Random Thoughts

It’s been so long since I have written, I might not even know how to write. Funny to think that I have been doing this online journal thing since opendiary and livejournal.

The last two years have been immeasurably difficult with teaching full time and raising a baby/toddler by myself (amidst a pandemic). I did not realize that the stress of having and raising a baby (with a stressful teaching job on top) would push me to the max and really bring out the trauma responses I’ve avoided my whole life. I have some deep wounds, from pre verbal trauma is my guess, and life has been so fucking hard.

As a result, I took medical leave of absence this year. Half time teaching, half time “medical leave”. It seems weird, but that is what it’s called. I LOVE working half time. I will be getting my first half time paycheck at the end of this month, so my opinion might change. I can afford this, but barely. It’s working poor. I make BARELY too much to get any help with childcare costs through the state, so I still have to pay 1200 for my childcare. 1200 for my mortgage. That’s pretty much my whole paycheck.

And i DONT qualify for any assistance.

My goal is to write more often. I need it as part of my therapy.