Doing alright. in Since OD is shutting down....

My daughter was in school Thursday and I decided to text my Mom and ask her to come run errands with me. I told her when she got to my house we were gonna go to his apartment. She called the neighbor when we got there and he filled her in on some stuff and because he wasn’t there, he sent the other neighbor out so we could see his dog.

I knew my Mom wasn’t about to ask if she could let us in to his apartment but I did. For whatever reason, I wanted to go inside. Once we did, I felt some comfort as his furniture was still there and the red curtain was up where my Mom put it. The neighbor lady told us a bunch of stuff about his kids and I’m pretty angry at them because it sounds like they were just selfish and greedy. They took everything worth money and left the rest. I guess his oldest said something about how ‘I have my own life’ and how after he died, they were just worried about getting his PIN for his fucking debit card!!

Grief, hurt, sadness, and guilt has completely consumed my Mom and myself so to hear how awful his kids were definitely made us more upset. I guess they had mentioned to him about going to hospice and he said no. Well, I guess he went the night before and wasn’t there 24 hours before he passed so it’s like he knew. My Mom took her clothes that she had left there, the perfume he bought her and some books. I took his glucose monitor so I could look at the readings, his chapstick, a picture, some mail. I also decided to grab his hat and Carhart jacket. It has his name embroidered on it and I’m going to cherish it forever. It still has some of his hair on it.

He was really adamant about paying his rent which still shocks me. He knew he was going to hospice but did decide last minute. His neighbor said she will get a hold of us about possibly getting his furniture because otherwise it will probably be donated or throw away. It makes me really sad that he will never walk in his place again or sleep in his bed. I cried so hard hearing about things that I couldn’t even stay focused on everything she said. The worst thing she told us is how he said nobody cared.

We did care, more than he probably ever knew. I get my Mom’s reasons for leaving and that if she wouldn’t have went home my Dad and little brother would have lost the house because they couldn’t afford it. I do wish we would have seen him even one more time. I know that she told us he got mean and gruff but I would give my right arm to have been able to tell him I loved him.

It just makes me sad that he’s gone. He went so fast and I really thought we were going to have more time. You always think you have more time and it’s just not true. I went to Walmart yesterday and on the way home and I heard that John Denver song “country roads” and it made me think of him because he was a retired trucker. I’m sorry that I didn’t make more effort and could have drove down there over the Summer just to say hello and make sure he knew that we did care. It’s just frustrating that the people that should love you and be there for you generally aren’t. I’m grateful that his neighbors were there for him as much as they were able and he wasn’t completely alone.

All of this has really made me think about my own life and changes that I need to make. I really need to quit smoking and start making it a huge focus to lose weight. I also want to really evaluate my life choices and how I deal with other people. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I want to redeem all of them. I want to start living right by not talking bad about anyone, losing weight, and not complaining so much. I definitely envy people who refuse to gossip and make sure they never say anything negative about anyone. I also want to let go of whatever hate and anger I have for anyone as well.

I always thought by talking about people is just venting, but it’s really unhealthy. I don’t remember my Mom’s boyfriend ever saying much about anyone. I want to be more like that where I might make a comment or two, but I don’t want to ever spending more than like 5 minutes talking about people in a negative light. I have wasted a lot of time talking bad about people and I will end up having a lot of regret if I don’t stop. It’s not helping me and I just don’t want to look back and know that I wasted so much time being angry.

I have thought about him a lot today, like I have everyday. I’m sorry that we didn’t visit and didn’t call. I will forever feel regret for that. I know that I can’t change it now but I have to find a way to make peace with it. Things like this happen to keep you humble and as a reminder that you don’t have all the time in the world like you think. I know he would have been over the moon for us to visit, just like he was every time. I still remember when we’d leave and he’d be standing on the sidewalk smoking and waving to us. I remember how he’d give us a box or bag of stuff too. I remember the one time he bought me a broom and body wash. I remember when I first met him and he put gas in my car.

The memories are still so fresh, his voice is not. I barely remember it because he was generally pretty soft spoken unless he was mad. Even when he was mad, he wasn’t scary like my Dad. I still wish he was my Dad. I know that sounds terrible but he made me and my daughter feel like we mattered. He made effort with his grandkids, even long distance. My Dad has never been like that. I remember when he liked to buy those strawberry candies. And Heath bars. I looked in his fridge while we were there and it was shocking that it was pretty much empty and his boxes of insulin were gone.

I really want to make peace with people and the mistakes I’ve made in the past. I want to work on being a better person. I know the Summer was super hard on me and I really hope that I never have another stretch of time where everything just goes to shit. I went out and checked the mail where I still haven’t gotten the mail I’ve been waiting for. I emailed my tax advocate the other day and apparently they still haven’t issued my refund, it’s been completed since the 9th. I’ve been waiting on this money since February and I can’t even explain how maddening this is. I also paid hundreds to do an amended return. I got a letter a month ago stating I would have it in 2-3 weeks and I still haven’t received it.

I’m going to do what I can to reach out to others and try to form a social life. I really do get tired of being alone so much, it’s just hard trying to have or maintain friends for different reasons. I would like to try and make new friends but I live in a place where people just want to use others or create problems.

I have really tried to keep my life as drama free as possible. There’s just no need for it and life is too fucking short. I also get tired of people who say they aren’t about the drama but low key stay right in the middle of it too.