Venom in Thirty-Seven

I haven’t written in over a month. We’ve been busy trying to just get by as usual but I’m not here for an update just yet. I’m livid this morning.

I’ve already been upset because yet again I have to change my insurance plan because the one they put me on in June (my second plan because my first one was completely wrong and not even accepted in my area) is going away in January.

And the fact that I’ve now lost three doctors.

I posted something stating my frustration towards this and said this is why chronically ill people kill themselves. Because we have to deal with all that our illnesses throw at us ALONG WITH not getting the proper healthcare we need.

My brother sent me a text this am saying that I shouldn’t say those things because there are people who have dealt with the thought of suicide and whatnot.

I asked him if he really believes I’ve never considered it, with everything I’ve been through. That this is what I have to deal with. Because I don’t talk about that part of it as openly as I do everything else, that I’ve never considered ending my life.

I told him that I have thought about it many times because it would have made things easier for so many people to not have to deal with me. That I have spoken to someone about it and I have been trying to speak to someone about it recently but how the hell am I supposed to do that when I can’t even get a Dr to stay as my Dr for more than 6 months here.

This place is a death sentence for chronically ill people. There are no specialists. The good PCPs are residents and leave as soon as you establish with them. How am I supposed to have a decent health plan when I don’t have Drs that stick around. And now with the changing insurance?

I told him that it’s pretty shitty when I can’t talk about my own mental health because everyone assumes I don’t have problems there, simply because I don’t talk about it. I told him it’s just as harmful to assume I don’t have those problems.

He really didn’t say much in response. I’m tired if no one giving a shit about my mental health because I’ve dealt with it for so long. Yes I need to get hello. Yes I need to see someone, but HOW can I do that when I can’t even get one doctor to treat me for not than 6 months before I have to start all over again.

No one understands what is like having to constantly be in limbo because no one is there to help you.

I’m just so angry at the fact that no one seems to think I could possibly have a mental breakdown. And guess what, if I ever did, it’ll be looked at as me seeing attention.

I literally hate my life right now. I can’t get better but if I state how sick I really am I’m an attention seeker.

I’m just sick of all of this.

Last updated October 26, 2022