Low in Current Events

My depression has come out to play. Usually, I don’t feel heart-crushing sadness. Just lethargy. I’m just void of all motivation and willpower whenever my depression episodes happen. Today, my heart feels heavy. This evening I should say. Although, I felt it coming during the day. The signs were there for over a week. I’ve learned that this happens when my mind shifts paradigms. I leave one set of belief structures and start a new one. It feels like a death because I have to grieve the belief structures that died. I go through all of the stages of grief. I’m not sure what has changed within myself or outside of myself. I usually focus on the context instead of the content in my life. Perhaps I am just burnt out. I have been anxious, I usually hit a low once that passes. This is no big deal, just an inconvenience.

Ironically, I have Bev’s paper about being mindful through depression that I have to read. That is my approach to just about everything, being mindful that is. I’ll read that paper in the morning before work.

I have a busy weekend, again. Ange invited us over for drinks on Saturday. Then we will walk over to a patio. On Sunday, Kyle is coming over for lunch. I can’t shake the feeling that he is trying to court me. I’m not reading into it too much though. Am I open to it? Not so much.

I randomly keep imagining myself meeting someone at the Education Centre I enrolled in. I will not get my hopes up for a second. There is nothing in this city for me and I am at peace with that. I can carry the weight of the world but once I have a crush on anyone I will feel… crushed. Wanting things hurts.

Anyways, I just wanted a quick ramble before bed. Perhaps the answer I seek will come to me in a dream. Speaking of weird shit, there was a woman at the grocery store today that I was getting weird vibes from. We had some connection. We kept locking eyes, it was just one of those weird interactions. I felt like she had just been around death or something then I overheard her tell her boyfriend that she just ran into the husband of so and so that just passed away. That was weird. I don’t agree to believe in coincidences.