hard truths in Second 1st

After chatting with Jake yesterday, I’ve realized that maybe I’m putting too much of his business in here. He’d told me about a situation he’s in that he had not previously mentioned and it freaks me out because I can’t imagine how he let it get so bad. I verbalized something to that effect and he responded with something like “I guess that will end up in a blog”..... side effects of letting him read it I suppose. The real fact about the situation not mentioned is that Jake is horrible with money so you can bet IF we were ever together there would be an allowance situation :( .... bills would get paid before fun things....

Things are caught up.... nothing is late now.... and as long as car insurance doesn’t come out before Rocky gets paid this week it will start looking up as far as regular bills go. I’ve been working too hard. I’ve been exhausted and not sleeping well. I spend a lot of time scared I’ll fall downstairs in an apartment complex or into someone’s flowerbed.... I’m ready to slow down a bit.... But it’s not time.... so I keep moving....

Mad but relieved Rocky had $800 on his plasma card.... he bought me some shoes I desperately needed and an oil change for his car. A few more weeks of that and I’ll have him reschedule that colonoscopy. Then he can pay for it with “blood money”. He will then have to take a month off of donating plasma. I think through my work and worry I’ve convinced him to do some OT and he did one day last week and one this week. He got off early yesterday and is going back in this morning but thinks they will only have 4 hrs max of work to do.

Taking him to work and picking him up on OT in a different department has hindered the door dashing a tad but I’m sure I can make it up and figure it out. I made $100 Monday and $73 yesterday. This means I”m 7 short for my goals as of now.... I do plan on working through the weekend though.

Yup, no days off this week because I’m sick of worrying about shit.... but mostly because when I’m high I’m edging towards an epiphany I’m not ready for. Sunday I told Jake that the reason I think we aren’t together is that I’m scared to let someone love me the way he would. Partially true all the time 100% true when I’m high.... making being high a bit dangerous. I’m not ready for the type of change required once the end result of that line of thought is reached.

Chat with Dest via messenger right now.... “to him you are “together but apart” and to you he’s just “sexy time”.” True but not true..... just more and more I don’t see forever there. I do not want to have to give someone an allowance.... or clean up after someone more than I do now.... or literally, walk someone through how to be a guest in someone else’s home. I don’t want to be a mom really and more so to anyone over 18 than to anyone under because at least the later doesn’t “know better”.

Destiny has a big appointment today. She is pursuing trying to get pregnant and give Critter a child of his own. However, she had her tubes tied after Alyssa. So, through the process, she’s had tests done that show elevated levels of something that could indicate cancer. They could also be at those levels because of endometriosis which she has. More tests will be done soon but she has an appointment today about it. It feels like a huge thing and she was up at 4am.... but.... it could be nothing and she’s freaking out over it. She has already come to the choice of no kemo.... which is stupid because she doesn’t want to be sick all the time and lose her hair.... as if she won’t be sick all the time if she does have cancer....