Why are you being so quiet today? in Second 1st

Why would I tell you things that are bothering me if I know you are extremely empathetic? My fears and worries become yours.... why would I want that for you? .... I can’t make your fears and worries vanish and adding my own to your already far too heavy load is not good for you right now.

I go quiet and listen to you go on about your own issues. I do love the sound of your voice. What am I to say when you ask why I’m so quiet?

Monthly bills $880 house note due the first… will be paid the 6th this month all goes well
$125 for car insurance that comes out of my account on autopay and doesn’t have a due date, they tell me “The Wednesday closest to the 18th of the month.” because yeah that’s how bills get paid.... 25-30 for water… 200 for electric right now (also past due, just noticed, was due the first)..... $90 for phones.... $45 for alarm system we hardly use.... $85 for internet.... $1065 for MRI done in March.... $300 for neck MRI done in May.... $787 for the CT scan Rocky had.... and $854 for the colonoscopy he has to wait on because they wanted it all upfront.

Jake suggested asking for help and it will all go away.... that’s not what happens in my world.... that is not how the world works.... It’s a mess we made.... that we clean up. I feel like it’s the same struggle every time.... but now.... now with me not working.... well I am but it’s not significant…and I’m paying for that week off… as seen above… electric and house note being late.... and I’m back to panicking over money.

Jake asked to borrow another $10 yesterday and I just about bit his head off. Anytime he mentions spending money on something I get irritated. Like ” I just spent $120 on housing applications” or “Dest’s mom took me to my appointment and I gave her $30 for gas and we had lunch and it cost $50 but it was good.” .... literally, 2 things that I’ve been told in the last 2 days from the same person who’s borrowed $20 in as many days..... BUT he paid it back.... and now it will be $19.40 I’ll never take out of PayPal because I can’t afford to get angry when someone asks to borrow money. It is not an emotion I’m willing to invest in.

Determination and hard work.... keeping in mind that when I start to feel sick to go home for a nap. I’ve been freezing tea and drinking it as it melts as well as eating meals at home to turn a better profit. I still believe I can make it work … shouldn’t have taken a week off without having the funds to back it.

I went to Publix to get some drink mix and found my hands shaking at just the thought of paying for it.... so that was fun.

I’m not out yet.... I’m not so far behind I don’t see light.... Just need to work more.... It’ll get better when it cools off.... it’ll get better when Rocky finishes my car.... It’ll get better There are 5 weeks in this month and again in December.... It’ll get better....

Physically it’s not.... the more I stress the dizzier I am… the harder I work the dizzier I get.... but let me tell that to anyone… “You shouldn’t be driving then.” yeah but it’s an income and we need it. I’m doing okay.... stairs can mess me up pretty good.... and rain.... but so far I’ve managed.... The lack of sleep is getting to me. Four at night.... and if I’m lucky a nap during the day. .... or if I’m unlucky I guess being as that means it got too hot or I got too dizzy.

Whatever..... I am a tool for moving forward. If I do not work properly we will not move forward. Still need to see a consoler about the infidelity and fix the ignition on my car ($500) whenever it’s up....

I can feel the tiny cracks in my brain. If I can complete the $450 for the week goal today (Fri) Then tomorrow I can work on the portion I am behind (564). Then, for sanity’s sake take a day off.... though it won’t be.... I’ll wake early and work a couple of hours before Rocky goes to work .... but the rest of Sunday will be chill and relax.... or at least try… That’s where phone sex and drugs come in.