Library, Growth in Journal

Walked to the library today with W, and it was a fun trip. It is not air conditioned, which was disappointing, but we spent a good 2 hours there anyways. Signed up for a card and checked out a bunch of books.
It continues to surprise me when encountering other children that they are so scattered and sort of … reactive? Manic. Manic is the word. They often seem very uncomfortable in their own bodies. They are all over the place- it looks almost convulsive. Like they are trying to expel or act out something disturbing. Don’t get me wrong, my kid is energetic. He’s loud, boisterous and, probably still the happiest person I know. But he isn’t manic. He’s not out of control, and at 2 and a half, has never had a temper tantrum. That may seem absurd or sanctimonious to to many parents- well some kids are just that way! but I don’t believe that he’s just obedient or happy go lucky. He is very opinionated, and he wants to know that his opinions matter, dammit. If he thought I didn’t care about his opinions, I have no doubt that he would blow up with the best of them. I myself was a very angry child. I was full of rage at the way that I was treated.

Last night, talking to DH, I surprised myself again with a level of insight that borders on creative genius.
I clarified for DH the way T is trying to interact- to invite DH again into the perpetual role of seeking some need from T, and thereby having control over meeting DH’s needs or not. And the choice that is now before DH.
The possibility of choosing not to participate is met with a lot of resistance in DH. His propagandizing is and was harsh and steep. There parental personalities implanted are strong and, to him, still dangerous and powerful. I don’t know if I appealed to the parts of himself that have sufficient self interest or self preservation. Perhaps the very best thing for DH would be for T to simply die. Yet that frees him in no way from the internalized parent.
DH’s objection that using avoidance is a form of aggression- and therefore avoiding T is engaging in an act of aggression- falls flat in the context of self defense. DH had to avoid conflict with T or face ever more belligerent escalation. His condemnation of avoidance of T is just self-attack, while using avoidance in a chosen relationship is indeed aggression. For DH, it is aggression against the most reasonable person in order to get them to capitulate, or avoid conflict. T against DH, and DH against me. What comes before the aggression is everything. T created the environment in which DH must choose to endure belligerent escalation or avoid conflict. Those aren’t the only choices he has now, but since his training has only equipped him to prepare for these options, choosing another option seems quite scary. Unknown. Terrifying in it’s newness.
“But I don’t yet know if that is the case!” DH protests. Desperate to relinquish this burden- this weight of responsibility! You know your own experience. That is the only empiricism that matters. How does T affect you? What happens to you as a result of his involvement? Are you made more, or less? Do you feel empowered, clear, connected, confident, or are you made unsure, criticized, attacked, and obligated? Which result is the consequence of love, and which is the consequence of exploitation?
Likewise, how to my interactions impact you? Do you feel more clear, empowered, and confident? Or worse? Do you accept that the affects of love and exploitation are opposites? Can you have both in your life? No. No one who chooses to engage with an exploiter may be loved-for one can love anything that rejects itself. Choosing exploitation is self rejection and rejection of the possibility of love.
These decisions you make now are of defining importance. It is one thing to suffer from abuse- that is never definitional. It is quite another to choose to engage in self abuse through another person- that defines you. Because you now have the knowledge of these things, you now have the burden of making that choice.
It is never reasonable to judge someone’s individuality by how they were raised; the only rational judgement about a person is by their choices. It is of inestimable tragedy the loss of humanity to forces beyond their control. You have the more rare and treasured gift of having reached a place of clear choice! The billions that came before you were stripped of this opportunity.
Will you be the one to say “The buck stops here!”, or pass that duty along onto your children? Will you look to the future for your moral justifications, or to the past? Do you choose to suffer merely because your father suffers and wishes you to suffer also, or do you choose to live?