ZyXEL in Adaptation

Uncategorized:

Mere moments before I step (hobble) on to the train from Montreal to Toronto, I get an email from my (insane) sister detailing my mother's latest heart attack (that's heart-attack-number-THREE for those of you playing along at home) and the doctor's dire predictions that the next one is going to "take her out" because her heart is very badly damaged and her blood work and EKGs and blood pressure are all wonky and, and, and...

I seriously do NOT logically-medically-scientifically understand whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy she isn't fucking DEAD, already.

Of course (OF COURSE!) she has since stabilized - somehow, she's gotten through the next-48-hours-danger-zone.

AGAIN.

I knew she would.

This is what she does... she teeters on the absolute BRINK of death. Heart attacks! Three different "this will kill you!" types of cancer! Strokes! Out-of-control diabetes!

And next thing you know, she's sitting up, demanding a sandwich and being her usual hosebeast-self like nothing happened.

Christ.

My poor (insane) sister. Seriously. I give her a lot of credit - she's been through a LOT of shit these last few years and being my mother's nurse-maid is zero fun.

SO!

I allowed myself about 20 minutes of wallowing - because the whole "woman who gave birth to me/mother-thing" can still trigger me - but, it no longer overwhelms and/or paralyzes me. I have a little more clarity these days and I finally believe myself when I tell myself shit like:

"Self, you are under NO OBLIGATION to anyone, for anything, at any time. YOU get to decide, Self - how you're going to think/feel/act and who you're going to spend your time with. Doesn't it feel great, Self? To finally be free of other peoples' ceaseless expectations and demands and assumptions? Hellzyeah!"

All this to say, I sat back in my seat, strapped on my headphones and just enjoyed the ride. Everything is so lush and greeeeeeen! I saw a Great Blue Heron! There were deer and wild turkeys gamboling about! Is that a YOOGE rainbow, even though it isn't raining? Golly! This sunset-over-Toronto is blissing me the fuck OUT.

Yesh, yesh. Everything is fiiiiiiiine.

I honestly just want my mother to die so that all THIS will be over - especially the waiting-for-her-to-die part, in particular. Also, I don't wish her any harm and hate to think of her experiencing pain and/or prolonged unnecessary suffering. And, for my (insane) sister who has bore the brunt of my mother's krazykakes-ness all these years - emotionally and now, financially, too.

Got off to a bit of a rough start, here in Hicksville. Being in this town is very much like revisiting the scene of the crime.

I just don't want to be here.

I moved away for a reason.

Ugh.

I mean, yeah... I'm trying to find the balance, here. There were good times and good things happened when I lived here. But there was more bad than good. Just a fact. I have a long, illustrious, sooper-dooper fucked-up history with this place. I'm very much looking forward to going back to Montreal on Saturday!

Buh-bye!

Saw my gayboyz! LOVE THEM! MISS THEM! Hope to see them again before we go!

Saw MaggieTheCat and Patrick Starr! There was pie! Music! A season-opener weenie-roast! Stargazing! Kittenz! Stories! Good timez!

Drew just finished her last exam. DONE! Up next, graduation on Thursday night! She didn't get Valedictorian, by the way... it went to someone else. She was the only girl on the ballot, though.

Got my (goddamned-fucking-bastard) period yesterday.

!!!

Granted, it's only the third one in as many years (give or take... thanks, early menopause!) but still. I'm hobbling around on a busted knee, my back is wrecked, I'm still fairly mentally ill AND we're about to embark on a two-part (this apartment in Hicksville and then, my apartment in Montreal) inter-provincial MOVE, FERCHRISSAKES... yes, yes.

BY ALL MEANS - welcome back, Niagara Falls In My Pants!

Impeccable timing, once again!

I'd forgotten just.how.much.fun. this is(n't)!

Okay!

There's more but I NEED PILLS!!!

Bye!