Sabotage in Current Events

In one hundred years we will all be dead and nobody is going to remember us. So, fuck it.

I heard that line somewhere and it lives rent-free in my head. What it seems to be inspiring is me having a dating life. I ain’t got time for that.

I keep dreaming about people from work and I don’t like it. My goal was not to become attached to the place. I didn’t want that little world to define me. In six years if I get my ass in gear, I am willing to let me having my own clinic define me. That restaurant job I had for thirteen years had to quit me, I was never going to do it. I don’t want that to become my current situation at this hardware store. It already has the start of it. I keep thinking about those people on my day off. Thinking about work situations as well. Now I’m even dreaming about them. Not good.

It’s like a clog, in my mind. All of the things I want to do. I can’t get any of it out. I just cleave to all of my ways of avoidance. One of the things I want to do is start making content for the world wide web. Just modern philosophy. I’m a product of the times and I am just witnessing the world around me. My brand is that I am a modern heretic. Today we just call these blasphemers conspiracy theorists. Everybody is participating in cults. We are all spiritual and we are spiritualizing our own prisons. We’re all astrologers but most of us cannot see it. I want to try and balance the socialist media communist guidelines with some truth while I still can. I don’t want to make it a career, I don’t want clout. I don’t even want to interact with any followers. I just want to say my piece and leave. Plant some seeds. They will laugh and scoff or worse at the moment but maybe they will remember something when it matters most to them.

People today need information spoon-fed to them at an eighth-grade level, in three-minute segments at most, or in 300 characters or less. I feel like I can do that. I’m also good at taking big concepts and making them bite-size. Polarizing with the internet people is just not a good use of my energy so I won’t even look at any comments. I bought a handful of notebooks to start jotting down what I want to say.

I also bought some canvases, I feel it in me to paint again.

I have the start of so much but I can’t seem to get myself to go for it. I am so frustrated with myself. My highest priority is school. I have to get prerequisites. I have to go back to adult-ed. I just need to start with one. I will start with math.

Speaking of schooling, I have Bev’s paper to read today. She asked me to go over it. I have been procrastinating. I see her this evening, I am babysitting her boys. I am dedicating my afternoon to reading it. It’s about mindful depression.

I started this entry off talking about me having a dating life. I don’t have any prospects. To be fair, I don’t have this in my consciousness at all but if I did, I would see opportunity everywhere. I just met up with Kyle, I felt like he was sussing me out for it. I’m not attracted to him. He doesn’t take enough care of himself. Looks aren’t as important as I tell myself they are. Once I develop feelings for somebody they become more and more beautiful in my eyes. On that note, there is a guy at work, Mel. He’s a little older than me. He’s short, bald, and hairy. He laughs at all my jokes, he’s playful, and his smile makes me feel smitten. He listens, he makes me feel understood and he adds to the conversation. He can keep up with me. He’s got a lot of Capricorn in his chart, maybe that is why? lol. This is a nothing burger, just an observation. He’s also a Scorpio, his eyes look like they can see into my soul. It’s sexy and feels dangerous. It’s also the opposite of my ascendant. Kyle is a Cancer which is the opposite of my sun sign. Not that it matters, I don’t care enough.

There is a young guy at my work that I just started to engage with. He’s a cancer but that’s whatever. He’s a big dork. He’s obsessed with everything medieval and buys memorabilia of it. It’s probably part of his heritage, I surround myself with Native American things myself. I resonate with anything pre-Christian, in general. He does LARPS. Power to him. There is also Luke. A young Libra with a Leo rising. His Cancer moon Capricorn Mercury comes through. He can keep up with me in conversations also. He can see all sides to anything as a Libra. He’s a big SJW though, so also into LARPS.

In person, I clean up alright. It’s also hard to tell how old I am because I don’t look my age by a lot. Young guys don’t realize that I am almost twice their age when they check me out or get flirty. The rare times I get attention. I could play around and have fun but that’s not who I am. This is also whatever, I don’t care enough.

The other day, I remembered a YouTuber that I liked. He does covers of songs and makes them dark. He gives me strong Saturn energy. I peeked at his birth chart, he’s an Aquarius Capricorn cusp. This cover is an abomination but I love it.

I like this song, I like his cover of it also. This song, to me, makes me think of Saturn. What it can feel like to have him as a ruler.

I like his look, it’s way out there. If I just went for the aesthetic I wanted I would have long white hair and wear grey contacts. My hair would be styled with braids and feathers. Basically a shaman, a mix between a Native American shaman and one from northern Europe. I suppose that would represent my ancestors from both halves of my lineage. My father is Ojibwe and my mother is German. Whatever though.

So I have another long weekend, with my hours being reduced. This gives me an opportunity to advance something, anything! Will I waste it? Oh yes. No doubt in my mind. I already filled up my weekend with plans. Anyway, I suppose I can multitask. On to my day of self-sabotage I go!

Last updated August 26, 2022