Rough morning. in Since OD is shutting down....

I wake up to my daughter telling me that there’s puke all over the floor. I clean it up and shampoo the carpet. Then, she tells me she wants a breakfast sandwich so I fix her breakfast and go lay back down for a few minutes because I’m still trying to get woke up. I come out of my room and discover that she hasn’t eaten so I get super upset and start crying. Every single meal is an absolute fight and I’m just at my wit’s fucking end.

Then we go and get her haircut. That went fine but I was annoyed that it took so long and my back started hurting because I stood for too damn long in one spot. Then I got some gas and took her to the park. It was getting super hot to the point I could feel myself starting to get sick so we came home.

I had called my Mom and told her that I’m getting overstimulated and really could use a damn break. She tells me that school starts in a week and blah blah blah.... I was getting more pissed and she said for me to call her back when I’m in a better mood. Okay, well I don’t see myself being in a better mood for awhile so don’t hold your fucking breath! Even when he’s at work, she STILL makes no fucking effort.

Parental burn out is no fucking joke. Even when I get a full night’s sleep, I still wake up just exhausted and worn out. I’m completely drained. I know that school starts in 8 days but I’m struggling hard. Just in the past month, I have been able to feel myself becoming more and more tired. I just feel completely depressed. Everything I do is for my child and at the end of the day, I have nothing left for myself.

I’m frustrated that I have to do it all by myself because the SD is a selfish fuck. He’s never cared and never intended to be a Dad. I’m still pissed that he wanted to see her a month ago knowing he was leaving. It’s like he wanted to get in one more goodbye, just one more disapointment before hitting the road. Even today while getting her haircut, she mentioned how she didn’t have a Dad. I always correct her by saying, “you do have a Dad, he’s just not around” but I don’t know if that’s what I should be saying or not. I’m left trying to figure out the right things to say all the time and still question myself.

I’m glad that we are done preparing for school to start. We’ve gotten all her school supplies, shoes, and her haircut done so we should be good to go. I really can’t believe the preparations that go into starting school.

We probably will stay home the rest of the day. It’s really hot again. I feel bad that there isn’t more to do and more people to hang out with. I’m hoping this year we are going to be able to change that. I know that she gets lonely too. It’s just so hard to create relationships with other people.

My anger and hatred has grown quite a bit in the past couple of years. I am so tired of dealing with selfish ass control freaks. My daughter isn’t important to anyone at all. No one makes any effort on their own. I am so sick of begging and pleading for even one person to care about her. People just don’t.

I just know my Mom isn’t going to show up for her first day of Kindergarten and will text to ask how it went and she’s not going to get the nicest response. I’m planning on telling her that I didn’t have the heart to tell my child and no one came because they didn’t want to get up early or burn up their gas for her.

The sick games with everyone is what’s driving me out of this fucking town. No one makes ANY effort on their own. I ALWAYS have to initiate it and then they don’t come around anyway. My efforts get ignored and then I finally get angry which just gives them more reason to not make any effort. There’s just no winning or anyone own the part they’ve played in any of it. It’s always been an absolute struggle for my Mom to be a part of my daughter’s life and I need to just let it be.

No one gives a flying fuck about my daughter or myself. I accept that. I just can’t stop trying because my daughter is the one always wanting people to see her. She asked earlier if my Mom could come watch her so I could leave and I told her no, not today. I’m just tired of my daughter getting the crap end of everything. I’ve been treated this way my whole life and now she’s going through it as well.

I still plan to move. I just hope no one pretends to care once we’re gone. They didn’t care to try when they could so don’t act like you’re sorry when it’s too fucking late.