Bully in Journal

I don’t get this type of behavior. I really don’t.
It’s just that, if you bully someone into doing what you want, you know in your bones always and forever that nothing between you is real. It’s forced. It’s fake. It’s cowardly and violent.
How can a bully have any self esteem? How can they find happiness? How can a bully ever find self respect, reciprocity, love?
I suppose that is why they bully.

I find it absurd that DH’s dad (I’ll call him T) has so much concern for how DH, our son and I don’t interact with him. It is absurd for several reasons…
1, T’s other son is a complete and total train wreck, having done drugs most of his life, gotten baby trapped by another drug addict, is now in an abusive relationship with the BM, has a son who is disabled and abused, and is now a workaholic just like T likely in order to avoid his abysmal home life as much as possible. Suffice to say, DH and I have no such problems. Our only problem is that our values are not aligned with T’s, and that we are by far the most reasonable people around so that makes us the least threat in attempting to bully.
2, I brought up my personal concerns with the brother-in-law, his BM, and then finally T and his late wife about these problems, about 3 to 4 years ago. I was open and honest, willing to receive feedback, and offered to sit down and talk it out with everyone or anyone.
3, T has over the last 3 years -along with his late wife- offered zero interest, concern or positive influence to our family. In fact if I try to think of how they’ve impacted us in any way, it’s generally just avoidance and a stiff sort of politeness. The absurdity here is just in that, T is referencing his very close, very positive and very wholesome relationship status in order to disparage our lack of connection with him.

I so resent that my family is being insulted because of our reasonableness.
T believes that he can get away with calling me paranoid, abusive, a helicopter mom, the consuming mother/wife, and the lot, because he knows that I will not escalate. And, that is infuriating. It is ironic that his insults only confirm my suspicion that he is nothing but an aggressive bully.

I want to say to him, if he were at all capable of some kind of civilized discourse, What are you doing? Just, take a moment to step back and gain perspective. You want something- which is more interaction with our family. Does it seem like insulting your son and daughter-in-law is the way to get that? Do you believe that we really value your opinion of us so much over empirical evidence that we would simply believe your insults at face value, and capitulate to whatever demand you decree that would “solve” our horrible vice?
And, I am curious why you think these things. I have zero doubt as to whether your insults have anything to do with me, or my husband, or my son. But I am curious about how you came to these conclusions. Because as reasonable people, we have an opportunity to learn about each other here.

Of course I have no expectation of any such conversation. I already tried that years ago. And, you might ask, why not try something else? Why not just keep trying until something works?
That is a reasonable question, and I’ll try to be concise. The real answer is that I refuse to be bullied. I will submit to reason and evidence and empiricism, but I will defend against violence, brutality, bullying, and escalation. Aggression can’t be universalized. One person aggressing against another is a top-down, win-lose, tyrannical dynamic where there is a perpetrator and a victim.