Effort. in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s very saddening, humbling, and sometimes devastating that no one makes much effort with my daughter. I feel like people would truly be happy if neither one of us existed. My whole life has been bent around other people’s control and selfishness and it’s too bad that my daughter has been affected by it as well.

I’ve been so caught up with trying to get the car fixed, dealing with the heat, keeping my daughter entertained that I just realized this morning that school starts in 2 weeks. I know that I’ll be the only one there for her. It’s really bullshit that no one cares enough about HER to take the time to see her off for her first day.

We are going to get school supplies on Tuesday, a backpack drive on the 20th and then go to the open house and I know I’ll be the only one to take her. I refuse to keep asking my Mom as my Dad is just terrified of her being there for anyone besides him and my little brother. He will make absolutely sure that she’s not able to come.

I think about how lonely I am sometimes but I’d rather be lonely than deal with someone controlling every aspect of my life. My Mom has allowed this and it’s honestly disgusting. Like all of this makes me sick. I just don’t know how the fuck you could handle this shit because that’s not normal or healthy!

All I know is I’m definitely excited for her to start school. She’s going to do so well and I’m happy about her making friends. She just adores other kids. It’s too bad my niece has been so ugly to her. I just can’t have her around people who should love her but get to mistreat her and make her feel like that’s okay.

I’m still thinking about missing out last night but I would rather be alive right now than worry about being dead. My little brother is absolutely crazy enough to kill someone and it ain’t gonna be me. It makes me very angry that my parents didn’t give him a life and he was taught to be just an absolute monster by my Dad.

It’s also sickening that my Dad is STILL just so selfish. It’s sad that he’s even jealous of my daughter and makes sure my Mom is around less than the bare minimum. I’m just glad my daughter wasn’t upset that Grandma wasn’t coming last night. I think she’s honestly just so used to this shit like I am that it doesn’t really get to her anymore. I have seen so many TIk Tok’s about how grandparents aren’t like they used to be and that’s accurate as all hell.

But I’ve realized that I’ve made enough effort with my Mom about her being there for my daughter that now it’s time to back off and see if she tries from her end. I’m just so burnt out with everyone at this point that I can’t put forth any more of my time and begging is just not the answer. If people want to be there, they will be. If not, fuck em.

All I have ever done is beg everyone to be a part of my daughter’s life. Then, once I stop they say that it’s all on me. No one around me is ever going to take any accountability for themselves and I’m about over it.

I think back on the past 6 years and I’ve never been able to rely on anyone. I don’t think anyone truly cares for me or my child. My Mom is the only one that’s ever made much effort but even that’s pretty on and off. I can only try so hard to keep trying and fixing shit with people until I realize I’m just breaking my own heart. I know that I take this way harder than my daughter does and I’d prefer that. My kid is just so used to all of this and it makes me sad that people can’t ever consider her before being selfish.

But yeah, I decided that it’s going to be my goal this year to find a sitter so that I can plan to do stuff sometimes. I’ve been a full time Mom for 5 years now and I would like to find myself again. I don’t know who I am outside of taking care of my child, being at home, and cleaning. I’m very upset that no one ever considers my mental health and what it’s like to plan on never getting to do anything outside of parenting. I just don’t find it cute that my Dad sits there and acts like he’s understanding and what not but then does whatever he can behind the fucking scenes to sabotage my Mom babysitting. It’s not enough that I’m a single Mom and things are hard as shit but then I have someone doing what they can to make things even more difficult all because they can’t see past their own selfishness.

It’s helpful that my daughter doesn’t get upset anymore. She’s so used to this that she knows we’ll see everyone again but sometimes things just don’t work out. I’m honestly glad that everyone has shown her their absence because she’s learned how to live without them. She appreciates them when they do come around but she isn’t heartbroken when they aren’t.

One of my biggest issues is how people try to tell me how to feel. NO ONE GETS TO DECIDE THAT EXCEPT ME!! I’m allowed to feel my feelings. I’m allowed to talk and vent. I’m allowed to care that my daughter gets mistreated. I’m allowed to get upset that people make little or not fucking effort with her.

I just can’t deal with how if things don’t go according to someone else’s narrative then there’s problems. Dealing with extremely toxic, selfish, controlling people has really worn me down and drained the ever living shit out of me.

Over the next year, I’m going to do what I have planned and one of the things I want to consider heavily is moving. I’m going to be on my own regardless of where we live and I’d like to be able to start over in a new place where I don’t have anyone making me uncomfortable and everywhere I turn, there’s someone to make me upset. I’m tired of driving the same roads and feeling the way I do.